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“Oh, gosh, she’s doing her two-minute industrial flossing session again. Listen to how loud that is!”

“If he talks about his ‘third eye’ one more time, I’m just going to snap!”

Does this sound at all familiar, feeling like one is at a breaking point? Do experiences of annoyance spell doom for your relationship? Partners do things that drive us up the wall, but does it mean that you’re incompatible, or could it mean something else?

As a couples therapist, I am in no way trying to minimize serious couple conflict here. So I begin by mentioning that the way we respond to frustration or annoyance is vitally important. You might have heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness (Gottman & Gottman, 2015). These four behaviors tend to predict divorce down the road, so try not to criticize your partner for being so darn annoying; try not to be too sarcastic or go all-out contemptuous; don’t cut off from them for days (i.e., stonewall); and try not to get super-defensive about your own annoying habits, and you’ll probably be fine when annoying stuff happens. If you do have a habit of being very critical, showing contempt, stonewalling all day long, and becoming defensive at a drop of hat, these do likely spell trouble, and you might want to see a couples therapist to deal with one or all of the Four Horsemen.

But if you or your partner are not going “Four Horsemen” in response to the annoyances that inevitably crop up in any relationship, then consider that the possibility that becoming quite annoyed at times might be an indication of energy and sparks that are still there. If you really bug each other—and sometimes it is actually funny how ridiculous something seems to us—this might actually bode well. That is, the opposite of an energetic relationship that carries potential is apathy and devitalization, not annoyance.

 

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On social media, a friend from high school likes to comment on the ways in which he and his partner of more than two decades are quite different. Snippets of conversations are posted that show how they approach things like they are from different planets; one that dropped this past weekend was especially intriguing. It revealed his approach to food purchases is like a survivalist anticipating the end days, going in only every 6 months or so with a very long list, buying in bulk and many items with a far-off expiration, whereas she goes to the grocery for fresh food (gasp!) every week. These posts are so good-natured that I don't worry that their relationship is in trouble. Rather, their synergy, self-awareness, and playfulness are frankly inspiring.

I weighed in and mentioned that living two blocks from the grocery store means I go there every other day for this and that (fresh fruit, a box of cereal, etc.). Of course, he was horrified, saying the zombies will get us all, but she and I had a little chat about how wonderful it is (and how incredibly privileged we are) to live in a food oasis rather than a food desert. The striking differences in how these two think about shopping for food or taking a spontaneous, completely unplanned trip across country to meet some unusual characters on an even stranger mission, sounds to me like causes for celebration and joy. Why? They view their differences as a wellspring of excitement, fascination, and adventure, not resentment or frustration, and that's half the battle for relationship resilience and longevity,

Partners’ rough edges and differences in personalities and habits can be sources of friction and shine a light on areas where relationship improvements can be made (Asatyran, 2016). Is there a theme or concern that underlies an occasional annoyance, such as your partner being such a night owl that s/he/they hop into bed at 2, 3, 5, or even 8 a.m. some mornings? Are they avoiding intimacy, annoyed by your snoring, or are they jealously protecting the wee hours of the morning as the only time they have left to themselves? Scenarios such as this might be worth exploring because some adjustments can be made that could prove mutually beneficial.

In sum, consider reframing some of those annoying moments. Instead of doomsday, it might mean there are opportunities for growth, and there’ll be plenty of fresh food in the fridge and nonexpiring Spam in the pantry (in bulk), for the remainder of your journey together.