When I was 13 years old, I was put in charge of my 3-year-old brother on our family trip to London, England. My little brother and I were falling behind the rest of the family, and I was a little panic-y. We were in a foreign country, a city I didn’t know, and let’s face it, I was 13 years old and pretty clueless. As my mom and dad moved further into the distance, I impatiently tugged on my little brother’s arm and said, “Hurry up!” An older man with a brown plaid golf cap just happened to be passing us when I tugged on my little brother’s arm. He said two words: “Gentle now.” I have thought about those two words ever since. He wasn’t condemning or harsh. Just a matter-of-fact reminder to be gentle now.

As a mindfulness and sex researcher, I have thought a lot about those two words. Sex often creates too much anxiety and judgment. We tell ourselves to “hurry up”—get aroused, perform, and look or act a certain way. Women condemn their bodies, their performance, or their desirability for way too many reasons.[i] Men have similar challenges and feel unneeded stress about performance. Like the plaid golf-capped gentleman, I want to remind us to be gentle now. Be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and to your partner, and do it in this moment.

Sexual Mindfulness

Research on sexual mindfulness (staying aware and curious instead of judgmental in each moment of arousal) has enormous benefits for the individual and their partner. Research indicates that regular connection in sex is important but high frequency isn’t what makes a sexual relationship successful. Couples who have sex about once a week are reporting the most satisfaction[ii], possibly because they are more focused on the quality of the interaction not just the quantity. Additionally, couples who are slow down to enjoy sex are reporting more growth, satisfaction, and more consistent pleasure.[iii] The key is quality over quantity. The anxiety about the frequency of sex only adds to the problem.

Putting Sexual Mindfulness Into Practice

Being gentle now with yourself may look like letting go of the goal to have sex X number of times this week or month. Being gentle now may look like recentering your attention from the goal of orgasm to instead just noticing how your partner’s touch feels, the emotional connection that you’re creating, and how you can savor the meaning of your love and tenderness with one another. Being gentle now could take the form of sharing words of appreciation for your partner or for your time together. It could be observing how sharing your body with your partner can be transformative.

Sexual Mindfulness and Emotional Connection

Research on emotional connection in sex is also clear. Slowing down your mind and your arousal process, and tuning into how you feel, does wonders for the emotional connection you experience.[iv] So much of arousal and pleasure comes from the meanings and emotional quality we experience with our partner.[v] Sexual positions are not the answer, and more orgasms are not the answer. The answer seems to be in the idea of gentle now. Drs. Impett, Kim, and Muise explain this quality of interaction. Communal sexual interactions are those where “two partners’ preferences are interwoven, they are each more likely to adopt goals to maintain the other person’s well-being in addition to their own well-being.” In other words, partners notice, respond, and are motivated to see and feel the other—creating a deep and meaningful connection of interdependence.

Putting Sexual Mindfulness and Emotional Connection Into Practice

Being gentle now in emotional connections may look like watching your own and your partner’s non-verbal cues. Notice when you or your partner withdraw. Try to throw all suppositions out and talk about issues deeply to find the way that works best in this relationship—not how my family ignored problems or how your partner’s family overreacted to conflict. This must be mutual. Be curious about their sexual preferences and attune to your own emotions as well as your partner’s. Find a way that synthesizes both your perspectives and is optimal for both people. It is a gentle approach to finding solutions and connecting emotionally.

Conclusions

Take a minute and evaluate how you can be gentle now with yourself, and with your partner. How can increasing gentleness improve how you experience connection in your relationship, particularly in your sexual interactions? The goal is not to have sex X times. The aim is summed up by a thought from Robert Louis Stevenson: It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit.

Slow down and renew your soul in this moment by being gentle now.