We’ve all been on the receiving end of an angry outburst. Often, we are so dysregulated by the threat that we can’t even understand what we’ve done wrong! Our responses usually take one of two forms: We express anger in return (fight), or we disengage (flight).

In other words, anger and anxiety are two sides of the same coin: They both involve the same fight-or-flight system. More centrally, anger is generally a manifestation of anxiety. When we understand this fundamental concept, we can regain control over anger and connect more deeply with others.

There’s a story I tell in chapter six of my new book, Thriving with Anxiety: 9 Tools to Make Your Anxiety Work for You, which illustrates this point.

A little over three years ago, shortly after the coronavirus mask mandate had been lifted, I went for a (maskless) run around a reservoir in Boston.

Despite maintaining my distance from those around me, an older woman yelled at me. “Put your mask on, put your mask on!”. I politely apologized, and ran off.

A few days later, I went for a run in the same location, this time wearing a mask to not upset anyone. To my surprise, a younger woman yelled at me “Enough with the masks — you don’t need to wear that stupid thing! Why are you making everything so much harder?” Again, I apologized and ran off, but it left me thinking: What is going on?

My conclusion — both outbursts came from a place of anxiety, rather than anger.

The first woman was fearful that she, or perhaps a loved one, might be vulnerable to infection. The second woman was anxious about how continuing to wear masks would affect her freedom and ability to return to normal life.

Both were valid fears, and both were expressed as anger. However, had each woman expressed their anxiety — instead of anger — our interactions would have been much different.

What would have happened if the first woman said: “Hey, I see you’re not wearing a mask. I’m not angry but I just want to let you know I'm at high risk and it makes me really anxious to think about getting sick. Would you mind putting on a mask?”

Similarly, had the second woman said, “The mask mandates were lifted last week, and I want this whole nightmare to be over. Can we please try to move on, without taking unnecessary precautions?”

With this altered approach, I would have gladly complied in both cases, and might have even formed some new friendships!

Transform Anger into Connection

How can we express our anxiety instead of anger? There are two key elements to this approach.

1. Acknowledge your anxiety. This requires building awareness in yourself of what you are anxious about. What might happen if this person doesn’t come through to meet your needs? What consequences are you concerned about? If you’re uncomfortable thinking about this, you’re on the right track! It’s generally easier to slip into anger, since we don’t need to sit with our discomfort and acknowledge that we are vulnerable and nervous about something.

2. Express what you need. Notice what your anxiety is telling you, and use that to communicate what you need from the other person. Do you need them to stop doing something that’s causing you distress? Or to come through for you in some way? The goal here isn’t to control the other person, but rather to convey your emotional state — e.g., “Hey, I’m struggling with what you’re doing, it’s making me feel uncomfortable.” Sharing this information allows others to make informed decisions, considering how their actions might affect you.

When these two strategies are combined, we can create more interpersonal closeness and circumvent anger and irritation.

Ultimately, we can’t control how other people express their fears and anxieties. However, by opening ourselves up and expressing our vulnerability, we create the opportunity for connection and love, rather than anger.