Source: Alex Green / Pexels

A friend going through a rough patch recently admitted she had been experiencing nightly crying jags, including a particularly intense bout of tears the day before we grabbed coffee. “It was not good. An ugly cry.” She shot me a look. “You know what I mean.”

Yes, I do know what she means. The gulping down breaths, snot-bringing, eye-inflaming kind of cry. The kind of cry that lasts less than a half-hour but feels like a three-hour marathon, that contorts and pinches the face, wracks the body, and leaves puffy, swollen, and flame-red eyes in its wake. I know the ugly cry.

But the "ugly cry" is a far from useful term. It may seem aptly named, but “ugly cry” is outdated—an old-fashioned linguistic relic from a less enlightened time, a term that retains misogynistic undertones.

Celebrity “ugly criers” have had their tears splashed across the internet out of context, shared as compilation videos, and memed for mass entertainment. The underlying message of the term: Women are supposed to be pretty when they cry. Or rather, they’re supposed to be pretty at all times, and crying is no exception. (There is no male counterpoint; men aren’t supposed to cry at all.) If we’re interested in promoting emotional expression and awareness across gender identifications (or if we’re interested in women and their experiences beyond their physical appearance) “ugly cry” isn’t a helpful term.

Source: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels

Second, “ugly cry” is a shaming description for a common human experience. Most people I know have had big cries in their lives, which makes sense: Human beings have big feelings. One of evolution’s ways of keeping us alive was to give every one of us mental shortcuts to bring uncomfortable emotions to our attention. Our negativity bias is central to survival and entirely normal.

But when we focus on the shame of being an “ugly crier,” a few unhelpful things happen, such as missing out on what our emotions are trying to tell us. Our emotions give us useful information about our environment and our relationships with others. Uncomfortable emotions let us know about dangers — real, potential, or imagined — in our environment. Essentially, your tears are trying to talk to you. Corny as it sounds, it's better to listen to the wisdom of your tears than judge yourself for shedding them.

It's also harder to regulate emotions when we label and judge them and ourselves harshly. To be clear, emotional regulation is different from emotional policing: True emotional regulation happens when we fully accept our emotions (regardless of whether they are difficult or uncomfortable) and let ourselves feel what we feel without self-judgment for the experience. Self-judgment amplifies a difficult emotional experience, tending to make it bigger, stickier, and last longer. Labeling tears ugly makes them, well, uglier. Emotions become less forceful and loud when we listen to them.

“Power cry” is a much better description than “ugly cry.” When a friend reveals that they have had a good, hard cry, we don’t ask them how they looked. We ask, “Did you feel better afterward?” Usually, the answer is yes. What could be more powerful than that?