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When meeting a new client struggling with depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem, I often hear them say some variation of “I have to feel better to do better”: I need to get over my breakup so I can move forward and start dating again; I need to feel less depressed to look for a new job; I need to get rid of my social anxiety so I can get out more and not be so lonely; or I need to build my self-confidence so I can expand my narrow life. They understandably believe that change comes from the inside out, and sometimes they are right. If you’re severely depressed, you may need medication to help jump-start your system; realizing how you’re sabotaging yourself with your critical self-talk enables you to change that inner dialog. But more often than not, I believe we change not from the inside out but from the outside in.

If you think about it, this is the way children naturally develop. While they certainly have a core personality and temperament, their parents and their environment shape them on an everyday level—say this, don’t do this, try this, stop—pushing and prodding them like a lump of clay. I often see parents struggling with their child’s behavior, and learned over the years that it’s better to see the parents alone first: No need to bring your child to meet a stranger and spend time and money helping your child feel comfortable; instead, let’s see how you can shape your child’s behavior at home yourselves. The parents become the child’s first-line therapists.

And you can do the same for yourself as an adult. If you want to change how you feel, change what you do, which will change how you feel over time. Here’s how to put this into operation.

Take baby steps

Rather than putting pressure on yourself by going on a makeover campaign, start by taking behavioral baby steps. If you’re struggling with depression, for example, the source may be about feeling trapped—you’re stuck at the bottom of a well, can see the sky but can’t get out, and so you give up. Why bother to apply for a job when you know you won’t get it? Why try to talk to your partner about a problem in your relationship when you know the conversation isn’t going to go anywhere? By listening to your depression, you fuel it. Instead, push against this "why bother" attitude and apply for a job; or talk to your partner. The antidote to feeling trapped is action—moving forward despite how you feel.

Similarly, listening to your anxiety has the same results. Anxiety is like an overprotective parent, constantly worrying and cautious: If you’re anxious about going to that party, says your anxious brain, just don’t go; if you’re worried about being criticized, just be more careful and don't make mistakes. Again, take the baby step: go to the party even though you don’t want to and stay for 15 minutes; risk pushing your perfectionism to the side to find out that there is no criticism.

Find support

In his book, The White Darkness, David Grann describes Henry Worsley’s 2015 solo attempt to cross Antarctica. Worsley’s inspiration was Ernest Shackleton, who attempted the same with a crew in 1902. Worsley read all he could find about Shackleton’s expeditions, decision-making, and leadership style, and along the way, when discouraged or unsure what to do next, he mentally stepped back and asked himself, "What would Shack do?"

Worsley found support by internalizing Shackleton, using him as a role model and mentor. You can do the same. When you look back, is there someone from your past who embodied who you want to be—your grandmother or mother, a real-life or fictional hero—who gives you a sense of how to live and deal with life’s challenges and struggles? Is there someone now you can lean on for support: a partner to help you with those job applications or simply encourage you; a wingman at the party who pushes you to talk to that stranger; the friend you give you the reality check that you’re being too hard on yourself? Or maybe you need to bring in a professional—a life coach or therapist—to help you learn the skills you need and support you to keep moving forward.

Challenge yourself

You build up your self-confidence by challenging yourself. When my kids were teens, I sent them off to Outbound Course for three weeks of what probably felt like near-death experiences—high ropes courses, living by yourself in the woods for three days, running a half-marathon. When they returned, they were super-pumped; their self-confidence soared because they had survived all the challenges.

You can do the same. By setting challenging goals—running a 5K race, doing a presentation at work, taking a trip by yourself—you find that you’re stronger than you thought and can step outside your comfort zone and survive. You’re building an ever-firmer foundation of yourself that you can continue to build upon.

As has been said before, If you keep doing the same things, you’re likely to keep feeling the same way. Do it differently.