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We all have a unique inner compass guiding our interactions with the world. For some, this compass points towards morals, compassion, and empathy (affective and cognitive).

Compassionate individuals can feel genuine concern for the world beyond themselves, with the ability to demonstrate fearlessness in their actions. They embody a combination of sensitivity for others, courage, and morality.

What’s so Special About the Brain of the Compassionate Person?

Compassionate people feel distress and pain when others suffer. They have social and moral processing abilities associated with specific well-developed neural networks and neurochemistry (e.g., oxytocin and dopamine). And here is what makes them unique: Their brain can transform that empathy (e.g., pain) into action or motivation to help another.

They can access distance from their pain, allowing them to make a difference, rather than suffer with the distressed other—from empathy to compassion.

If those descriptions sound like your character, this two-part series was written with you in mind. We will briefly examine the dynamics of when someone with a compassionate personality style bonds with a partner with a narcissistic personality disorder.

Coupling with a Partner with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The romantic partner of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder usually does not feel cared for.

What lies behind the selfishness, inauthenticity (mask), antagonism, entitlement, and lack of compassion that mark this disorder? This personality reflects a constellation of social, thinking, and moral deficiencies that blend to create the condition.

For example, they demonstrate a vulnerable sense of self and self-esteem, compromised prosocial moral emotions, and heightened attention to others for ranking, competition, rejection, and insult-detection purposes.

When we look at neuroscience research, we find that many brain systems (responsible for various functions) do not operate as they should for those with this condition.

A Touch of Neuroscience

Like all personality, cognitive, and emotional functions, narcissistic personality disorder has a neurobiological foundation. Research in this area continues to develop. To tap into a small portion of the literature, here is what we know now. Specific brain regions (systems) are correlated with narcissistic personality disorder.

When we look at the neuroscience research of compassion, we find several areas and systems of the brain (social neural networks) related to compassion are the same; however, they are dysfunctional for those with a narcissistic personality disorder. For example, a few of those areas include the following:

• Prefrontal cortex: learning from experiences, moral judgment, emotion regulation, empathy, and impulse control
• Amygdala: threat responding, emotion processing, threat detection, and conditioned responses
• Anterior Cingulate Cortex: conflict monitoring and resolution, mentalizing, and social emotions
• Anterior Insula: empathy, pain processing, and social emotions
• Mesolimbic Dopaminergic Pathways (i.e., reward system): attention, positive emotions, anticipated pleasure, prosocial approach, and motivation

(Note: Besides the above functions, these brain areas contribute to many other functions operating within interconnected brain systems and neural networks. A solo brain area does not represent an ability in isolation; there is more complexity. Additionally, these brain regions are associated with various other neuropsychiatric conditions.)

When the brain areas listed above are over, under, or atypically activated in specific patterns, it could reflect narcissistic personality traits such as:

• hypersensitivity to perceived ego threats
• heightened self-focus, proneness to addictive behaviors (e.g., pornography, infidelity)
• rejection sensitivity and entitlement

Although faulty neurobiology in the abovementioned areas will impact their social and moral emotions, they can understand right from wrong. This allows them to conceal cheating, manipulate to con, groom targets, charm, and gaslight, for example.

What This Means for the Compassionate Partner

Why would knowledge of basic neurological and psychological patterns matter to their partner? It matters because a person with a narcissistic personality disorder will perceive the world vastly differently from non-narcissistic individuals. The condition’s symptoms set the stage for a tumultuous and often abusive relationship.

For compassion to be present, the brain will need to shift to the emotional pain of another. We tend to resonate with someone else’s distress and feel motivated to ease their suffering, especially if this is a significant figure in our life (e.g., partner, child, pet). This resonance or affective empathy is missing for someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.

It is not that they are choosing not to care; their brain is not geared toward sharing the emotional experience of others. In instances where one would expect compassion from a partner with a narcissistic personality disorder, it will be striking to see callousness, dismissiveness, cruelty, or anger in its place.

Prosocial Moral Emotions: Why Are They Important?

Through prosocial (other-focused) moral emotions, individuals in close relationships with us know they can feel safe, valued, and emotionally protected. A review of studies investigating narcissistic personality disorder shows that those with this condition lack proper or consistent prosocial moral emotions (e.g., remorse, empathy, appreciation, and gratitude).

Hypersensitivity and Emotional Neglect Within the Relationship

Partners of individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often face three common intimacy obstacles.

1. Hypersensitivity: The ‘reality’ for many individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder is partially dictated by their hypersensitivity to ego threats (e.g., feelings of rejection or vulnerability) and entitlement. Challenges, criticism, or autonomous thoughts or actions from their partner (e.g., mate decides to leave the relationship), may be met with anger or unreasonable behaviors, such as stalking, smear campaigns, or demonstrations of control.
2. Conflict Resolution Style: Some individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder can overreact to minor social incidents (caused by others). However, if they are at fault, they may have shallow responses to significant matters. This communication style is the opposite of how most adults approach conflicts. When their loved ones try to discuss a painful situation caused by the person with a narcissistic personality disorder, they may face arguments centered around semantics (i.e., words you chose), distraction (i.e., arguing an unrelated or lesser matter), and superficiality, such as tone of voice, rather than addressing the core issue. Their partners may hear statements such as, “You’re trying to make me look like the bad guy,” “What about what you did” or “I’m not going to talk to you until you change that tone.” Even if the discussion is as profound as the exposure of cheating.
3. Emotional Neglect or Disregard: No genuine concern exists when their partner is distressed or in pain, even if caused by their behavior. The brain of most individuals can involuntarily shift focus from themselves to the distress of others (e.g., compassion). This neurological shift often fails to happen in those with a narcissistic personality disorder. They remain self-focused, even if they are the cause of the pain.

The typical overall social pattern reflects hypersensitivity toward self (fragility) and insensitivity toward others.

Note: It is essential to understand that because narcissistic personality disorder is a complex condition, not everyone will demonstrate the same behaviors. For example, considerations such as grandiose and vulnerable dimensions and the magnitude of antagonism play significant roles.

The Compassionate and Narcissistic Pairing: The Psychological Impact

Because our brain reacts to the behaviors of others, compassionate individuals in these relationships may experience a shift in their sense of self. Many feel inadequate, lonely, reactive, traumatized (e.g., PTSD), depressed, anxious, or trauma bonded (not experienced by all). Aside from possible psychological changes, some partners will develop physical health problems (e.g., cancer, pain disorders, heart conditions) and alcohol or substance abuse issues.

Wrap Up

In summary, compassionate people have the neurological capacity to care about others. They also have the emotional strength to be accountable for their behavior, despite the consequences to their image. The social, moral, and emotional limitations of narcissistic personality disorder are incompatible with the compassionate person’s core values in a relationship.

The next post will discuss neuroplasticity and healing (Grow Stronger After a Difficult Partner: 10 Insights).

Note: “Narcissism” in the title was used as a shorthand for narcissistic personality disorder.