I had the pleasure of speaking with Kirsten D. Anderson, author of More Than Words: Turn #MeToo Into #ISaidSomething. Kirsten had been the target of bullying, sexual harassment, and retaliation for years in her workplace, until she fought back in court, emerging victorious. More Than Words is her memoir; Kirsten also founded Equitas Solutions, a harassment-free workplace consultancy.

Kirsten D. Anderson, author

Image courtesy of Kirsten D. Anderson

Mackenzie Littledale: Early in the book, you write: "We live in an imperfect world hell-bent on perfection, yet stuck on status quo." What were you doing and where were you when you had that insight?

Kirsten Anderson: It wasn’t so much a revelation at a place and time. It was more of an accumulation of observations over time on social media, and I got fed up with seeing the polarization and divisiveness and negative things that social media gives to us as humans. Why the perfectionism? Social media is perpetuating these unrealistic goals and expectations. I feel like they’re hiding them in sneaky ways.

ML: It’s not just polarization in politics then. Polarization in terms of societal expectations of what?

KA: How women should behave and what they should do. We’ve heard it before. When a woman is decisive and maybe aggressive, she’s deemed a bitch. But when a man does that in the workplace, he gets a promotion. I just want to help people realize this perfectionism is fake. This is not a fair standard, and social media is perpetuating this false ideal.

ML: Images and videos of perfect vacations are snapshots of moments that stood out. We don’t see the ordinary in other people’s lives on social media.

KA: We don’t. We see an airbrushed reality of what people want you to see.

ML: And then the second part, ‘stuck on status quo,’ what is that tension doing?

KA: It’s exhausting people.

ML: Simone Biles is an example of that. The pressure to represent your country at the Olympics and perform. Why was it important to include a hypothetical situation at the end of each chapter?

KA: Because it wasn’t enough for me to provide just my personal story. What happened to me is not unique. We just aren’t talking about it. I provided these action-oriented, thought-provoking items to take people beyond what they read on paper and make more relatable. People aren’t talking about bullying, harassment, and retaliation even though it’s not unique. This is happening everywhere. It’s happening at the water cooler and in hotels. Race, creed, nationality, religion – it doesn’t matter.

ML: What are your thoughts on society's stigmatization of victims of harassment, bullying, and retaliation?

KA: There’s sympathy, and I would rather there be more empathy. People try to put others in a box or categorize them, and if things aren’t a certain way, they have preconceived notions and make snap judgments. This book shows targets of harassment are so much more than a label. I wanted to dispel some of those judgements. The heart of workplace sexual harassment is about power and control, and targets have had that power taken away from them. I want to give that power back, so I use the word target instead of victim. The word victim is so demoralizing.

ML: Anyone's mental and emotional stability would be tested in similar circumstances, and it’s alarming how similar and pervasive the circumstances are. There’s something long-lasting about being labeled a victim. You made a point in the book to explain why there’s a massive empowerment just in shifting the vocabulary. How does changing the vocabulary from victim to target empower people who face workplace toxicity?

KA: Because it’s helpful to realize there’s not just one singular path or a word for a person. Part of the journey for each person is discovering what works for them. Is it fighting back? Is it changing the vernacular?

ML: Tell me about the impact on your mental health in writing the fantasy alternative scenarios in your journal and how that intentional use of your imagination was so empowering.

KA: Writing More Than Words was very cathartic and the key in my personal recovery process. Each one of those fictitious scenarios (from journaling) are based on real-life situations that I have heard from other targets of harassment. They came to me and shared their horrible experiences, and in hearing all those, I realized this happens to so many people in different ways; it’s not nuanced. We have these moral and ethical dilemmas. What do we do with them? It’s easy for people to say to fight back or leave the job. People don’t understand the hard things and the grey areas. I really wanted to paint that picture with those fictitious scenarios. I want people to think about fears, not necessarily conquering, but even just recognizing them to more effectively handle them.

ML: Rewriting a real situation that didn’t go well into a fictional scenario with a better outcome is a great exercise. People can’t see past their fear, so if they can see past it in a safe space and get that golden nugget of learning to move forward, that’s powerful.

How do you hope More Than Words will change people's minds? What do people believe now that’s a myth?

KA: One myth: Bullying, harassment, and retaliation are not happening in their workplace or in their community. The issue is everywhere. It hasn’t gone away. It’s simply changed in what it looks like in our modern day and age. It’s microaggressions. It’s female-on-female aggression. It’s sneaky and manipulative. It’s probably at your workplace. Everyone in this country has the power to make a difference to help stop bully and harassment. It’s through allyship and awareness.

ML: I think one of the key takeaways is that if the toxicity can happen in state government, then it can happen anywhere. People can empower themselves by learning what microaggressions look like, sound like, and feel like. They can check in with their body when they hear something directed at them that doesn’t feel right. It probably isn’t right and doesn’t belong in the workplace.

KA: Right. Slowing down and recognizing those things are important.

ML: What actions do you want them to take after reading your memoir?

KA: A good place to start is self-evaluation.

• Is it asking a question of how to be a better ally to a coworker who may be struggling?
• Is it being a bystander or an upstander when they witness something in the workplace that feels off?
• Maybe it’s self-examination for people questioning and reexamining experiences. Were they harassers or bullies? Have they committed retaliation against somebody else?

It’s a humbling but valid examination. I had a male friend approach me and he wanted to do that self-examination. He was questioning his own words and actions in a situation, and asking if he’d bullied and harassed a coworker. He wanted to go back and make things right. I think that’s commendable.

ML: It’s been illuminating talking to you and I thank you so much for spending this time.