Here’s a letter I recently received in my podcast mailbox:

Dr. Austin, I have been dating my boyfriend, Justin, for about a year, and I think for the first time in my life I am really in love. He is wonderful to me in so many ways ... he’s the first boyfriend I’ve ever had who is really romantic. But here’s the problem: He is a really big flirt with other women, especially when he’s been drinking. We were at a party and I swear he was coming on to this other girl who was wearing a low-cut shirt ... he was practically crawling down her cleavage with his eyes. The next day I tried to talk to him about how embarrassed I felt, and he told me I was crazy, that I had a big problem with jealousy, and that it probably had to do with what a nutcase my mother was. This is typical of our arguments ... somehow it ends up being my fault, and I start thinking, well, maybe I am too sensitive. How can I sort out what is him and what is me? Signed, Ellie

My first thought was that sometimes repetitive displays of romance are a way of pulling someone back into a relationship after the romancer has been a real jerk. But my second thought was, this sounds like a classic case of gaslighting, so I interviewed Robin Stern, a fellow podcaster and a Psychology Today blogger. She is a Ph.D. psychologist and is the co-founder and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She has written two acclaimed books, The Gaslight Effect and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide.

As Stern explained, gaslighting is a dynamic in which a legitimate complaint by a person in a relationship is explained away by drawing attention to an unrelated, often fraudulent issue. The gaslighter repeats their claim so convincingly and persistently that the original issue is forgotten, and the gaslightee begins to doubt themself and feel vulnerable. The term came from a 1944 movie, Gaslight, based on a play, in which a husband sets out to steal his wife’s family jewels by surreptitiously turning a gaslight up or down, and then telling her that she was crazy when she commented that the light was changing.

There are some telltale signs that you may be the victim of gaslighting:

• You lose your sense of confidence.
• You feel isolated.
• You may start lying to protect yourself from the criticisms of the gaslighter.
• You question your own judgment.
• You feel powerless to work through legitimate concerns about the relationship with your gaslighter, and instead find yourself constantly on the defensive.

If you are wondering if you are being gaslighted, the simplest thing to do is to check out your reactions with trusted friends. Describe the issue you are having and ask them for honest feedback. Often when gaslighting happens, the gaslighter’s accusations are so absurd that everyone else can see the deception, while your attachment to the gaslighter or anxieties about maintaining the relationship are blinding you. Once you recognize the dynamic, don’t be afraid to firmly and consistently redirect the conversation back to your initial concern.