With Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg crying for more “masculine energy” in the American workplace, we’ve officially entered the Golden Age of insecure, near-translucent twits who mistakenly think they’re cool.

The eternally awkward Elon Musk is a key player in the tech-bros-know-how-to-be-macho movement, as is Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who now looks like he swallowed Vin Diesel and might as well carry a neon signs that reads, “Hey, look at me, I’m divorced!”

King of them all, of course, is President-elect Donald Trump and a sizable swath of his male MAGA followers, all of whom fancy themselves mega-alphas. Perhaps “mega MAGA alphas” or just “memalphas” is a better term. (It’s worth noting that on Friday, Trump announced that his Monday inauguration will be held indoors due to frigid temperatures. I’d think Zuckerberg might wonder where the hot masculine energy is in that decision.)

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Zuckerberg craves 'masculine energy.' OK, buddy, calm it down.

Speaking to podcaster and bro-in-chief Joe Rogan recently, Zuckerberg said: “I think a lot of the corporate world is like pretty culturally neutered. ... Masculine energy I think is good, and obviously, society has plenty of that, but I think corporate culture was really trying to get away from it. ... I think having a culture that celebrates the aggression a bit more has its own merits that are really positive.”

Yes, if there’s one thing a nation where nearly a third of women will be victims of abuse needs it’s a bit more masculine aggression, particularly in corporate workplaces in which, according to the McKinsey & Co. 2024 Women in the Workplace report, “men outnumber women at every level.”

So Zuckerberg's definition of 'masculine' is allowing hate speech?

So let’s examine a few of the heavily masculine things Zuckerberg & Co. have been up to lately.

The Facebook gazillionaire abandoned fact-checking – cuz facts are for weenies! – on his platform and opened the door for more hate speech by getting rid of apparently non-masculine restrictions.

He did away with Meta’s diversity, equity and inclusion programs. In doing so, according to The New York Times, Zuckerberg threw his former chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, who he previously said raised him “like a parent," under the bus, blaming her for what The Times called "an inclusivity initiative at Facebook that encouraged employees’ self-expression in the workplace."

Total masculine man move.

Zuckerberg on Friday denied The Times' reporting and praised Sandberg.

Manly Zuckerberg asked Trump's folks for approval of Facebook changes

The Times also reported that Zuckerberg ran upcoming Facebook policy changes by fellow translucent-American and senior Trump adviser Stephen Miller. Very alpha of him.

Zuckerberg spouted to Rogan: “It’s one thing to say we want to be kind of like welcoming and make a good environment for everyone, and I think it’s another to basically say that masculinity is bad.”

Yeah, so that sounds tough and badass in the mind of someone whose own male insecurities overwhelm any modicum of common sense, but nobody anywhere is saying masculinity is bad. What has been said is that “toxic masculinity” is bad, which it is, and that’s the version of masculinity Rogan and Musk and Trump seem to embrace.

It’s exclusionary. It relies on aggression. It’s decidedly man-centric.

Elon Musk cosplays masculinity by hurling slurs at critics

On Jan. 6, manly man Musk responded to a critic on X by writing: “F u retard.” That’s a vile and stigmatizing word to use, one that causes real pain to people with intellectual disabilities. It’s the parlance of dirtbags. I hesitated to include it in this column, but I think it’s important people see the lows these pretend purveyors of manliness reach.

According to a study from Montclair State University, within two days of Musk’s post, use of the r-word doubled on X, a fact I’m sure many of Musk’s fanboys will celebrate. That’s pathetic.

Picking on people isn’t masculine behavior. It’s weakness cloaked in a stunted idea of what it means to be a man.

Trump's faux-masculinity can be downright hilarious

The incoming president, who like these other soft-handed billionaires lives a life of luxury and pampering, has constantly elevated his masculinity to cartoonishly dippy levels. When an out-of-shape, 78-year-old man promotes trading cards showing himself as a muscle-bound superhero, you don’t need a psychology degree to figure out what’s going on.

Poor, insecure Donald.

Billionaires defining manliness spells trouble for America

Sadly, this push for faux-masculine aggression by wildly influential softies is going to have real-world consequences. If loutish behavior is encouraged from on high in this country, there will be plenty of men willing to head in that direction.

I’m not going to claim I know precisely what it means to be a man. I don’t hold a degree in masculinity, and I'd never say my version of that social construct is ideal.

But I know a jerk when I see one. And Zuckerberg and all these other dipsticks out there laying claims to manliness and promoting behavior that elevates a certain kind of man over all others? They’re behaving like jerks.

Pennies waiting for change.

Maybe all it takes to be a man is to show a little integrity

Manliness – in my humble, man-ish opinion – should be no different than humanness, and humanness should involve things like supporting others, being kind, being honest and making sure people get treated fairly.

Thinking it’s masculine to demean others while demanding more masculinity? I’m pretty sure that takes a few meetings with a therapist to work through.

I hope Zuckerberg, Trump, Musk and others in the man-parade are man enough to get the help they need.

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