Source: Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash

Do you have trouble getting over a grudge? Do you obsessively ruminate about payback? Does the thought of "getting even" please you?

If so, chances are you’re a grudge collector. And that’s not good news. (See "How "Grudge-Dumping" Destroys Relationships")

Hurts, wounds, and grudges

Beneath the surface of every grudge is hurt. Betrayal, deceit, and broken trust are among the most common sources of grievances.

Of course, we all eventually suffer hurt and humiliation, often at the hands of friends or loved ones. What you choose to do with the hurt determines if it hardens into a grudge or if you let it go and move on with your life.

The driving force behind a grudge

Rather than deal with uncomfortable feelings, such as sadness, shame, or defeat, people frequently rush past the vulnerability of hurt and turn to blame for relief.

Here’s where the trouble begins.

The rush to blame others hinders self-reflection and personal responsibility. Rather than process the hurt, learn from the experience, and gain emotional maturity, grudge-holders embrace victimhood, act childishly and seek payback. They forfeit growth for narrow-mindedness.

Grudges and destructive behavior

Unprocessed hurt, the ultimate grudge builder, is frequently the driving force behind destructive life choices, such as substance abuse or attempts to control others. (See "Do You Have a Controlling Personality")

Grudges have the power to damage and even destroy relationships. But they are likely to do more harm to the bearer of resentments.

Studies have shown that the stress caused by grudges and resentments can lead to physical problems such as heart problems, high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and mental health issues such as increased anxiety and depression.

Signs you’re a grudge and resentment collector

Some of the most common unattractive qualities of a grudge and resentment collector include:

• Spitefulness: You wish suffering on the person you begrudge.
• Resentfulness: You believe you will benefit by exacting revenge.
• Revenge-seeking: Rumination, obsession, and revenge fantasies dominate your thoughts.
• Arrogance: You truly believe others are plotting against you, which prompts you to destructive action, such as destroying property or thoughtlessly causing physical, psychological, or emotional harm to others.
• Pessimism: You harbor resentment against many people, which warps your personality, causing you to become a promoter of cynicism.

I recently read an autobiography of a rock star who lost millions of dollars due to his dishonest manager. Years later, the rock star ran into his old manager at a party and shocked everyone by greeting him warmly and wishing him well.

How did he overcome his resentment and demonstrate such emotional maturity and integrity? Consider the following steps toward resolving grudges and resentments:

1. Process the hurt: Grieve, cry, mourn; let all your feelings out. There are times when getting upset is the proper response: embrace it.
2. Take responsibility: Is there something you regret doing? Perhaps you were too trusting? Your decision-making may be sloppy.
3. Learn from your mistakes: Take your time, and think about what happened. What did you learn? What will you do differently next time?
4. Seek out support: Talk to friends, and get their input. A good friend will always be honest with you. A therapist or support group will also help.
5. Move on: Don’t waste your time ruminating and obsessing. After you’ve gone through all the steps above, it’s time to make a big decision: Let go of what you can’t control. Put the past behind you and focus on living in the moment. You’ll feel better and may live longer too.