SELF-CONTROL-
10 Ways Life Is a Marshmallow Test.
The importance of delayed gratification.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
The Marshmallow Test demonstrated the importance of delayed gratification and self-control in predicting future success.
Applying the lessons from the Marshmallow Test to various life domains can help individuals make better choices.
Techniques to improve self-control and delay gratification can enhance individuals' success in multiple aspects of life.

The Marshmallow Test, a landmark study by psychologist Walter Mischel in the late 1960s and early 1970s, provided groundbreaking insights into delayed gratification and self-control. In this test, young children were offered a choice: either eat one marshmallow immediately or wait for a short period and receive two marshmallows instead. The study found that children who could wait for the larger reward exhibited greater success in various aspects of life, such as academic achievement and emotional intelligence, later on.

While the original study focused on children, the results are generalizable across age spans. Many adults continually grapple with immediate gratification, succumbing to their primal urges for pleasure and instant satisfaction. This predisposition can impede their capacity to make rational choices, eventually leading to adverse outcomes that impact multiple facets of their lives. By examining the Marshmallow Test's findings and applying them to various life situations, we can better understand how we consistently face similar challenges.

10 Ways Life Is a Continuous Marshmallow Test
Academic pursuits: Pursuing education is a prime example of delayed gratification in action. Students must invest significant time, effort, and resources to acquire knowledge and develop skills, often sacrificing short-term pleasures for long-term benefits. Success in academic endeavors depends on managing distractions, maintaining focus, and prioritizing learning over immediate gratification.
Financial planning: Managing personal finances and long-term investments requires self-control and delaying gratification. Saving money, paying off debts, and investing for retirement necessitate the postponement of immediate desires in favor of future financial stability and growth.

Career development: Career success often hinges on setting long-term goals and working diligently towards them. This process may involve sacrificing leisure time, pursuing further education, or taking on additional responsibilities to gain experience and skills. The willingness to delay immediate rewards for career advancement is crucial to professional achievement.
Health and fitness: Maintaining a healthy lifestyle requires consistent choices that favor long-term well-being over short-term satisfaction. For example, choosing a nutritious meal over fast food, exercising regularly, and getting sufficient sleep all involve delaying gratification for one's long-term health.

Relationships: Building and maintaining strong relationships demands patience, understanding, and the willingness to prioritize others' needs above one's desires. Listening and empathizing in friendships require setting aside one's immediate interests to support and care for others.
Parenting: Parenthood is a profound example of delayed gratification, as raising children involves numerous sacrifices for their well-being and development. Parents often give up personal time, financial resources, and career opportunities to provide a nurturing environment for their children, hoping that these sacrifices will yield well-adjusted, successful adults.

Personal growth: Personal growth and self-improvement necessitate the willingness to confront one's weaknesses and invest time and effort into developing new skills and habits. This process may involve temporarily setting aside more pleasurable activities in favor of self-reflection, learning, and practice to become a better, more well-rounded individual.
Environmental sustainability: Addressing environmental challenges requires a collective commitment to delaying gratification for the sake of future generations. This may involve conscious choices to consume less, recycle, and adopt sustainable practices, even if these actions involve short-term inconveniences or sacrifices.

Community involvement: Active participation in one's community, such as volunteering or supporting local organizations, requires setting aside personal interests in favor of the collective good. Community work often demands time, effort, and resources, but the long-term benefits, including stronger social connections and a more vibrant, resilient community, make the investment worthwhile.
Creative endeavors: Pursuing creative passions, such as writing, painting, or playing a musical instrument, requires dedication, persistence, and the willingness to prioritize long-term goals over immediate pleasures. Creative individuals often invest countless hours honing their skills, refining their techniques, and overcoming setbacks, aiming to produce something meaningful and fulfilling. This process demands strong self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification in pursuing artistic growth and accomplishment.

How Can We Improve Our Ability to Delay Gratification?
Establishing clear and attainable goals can help individuals maintain focus on long-term objectives, making it easier to resist short-term temptations. Practicing mindfulness and meditation further strengthens this resistance by improving self-awareness and emotional regulation, ultimately contributing to better impulse control and decision-making.

Another practical approach is pre-commitment strategies, which involve committing to a specific action. This helps individuals adhere to their long-term goals, even in the face of temptation. Examples of such strategies include:
Setting up automatic savings plans
Enlisting the support of friends or family
Using apps designed to promote self-control
Cognitive restructuring also plays a vital role in resisting immediate rewards. By reframing the way individuals think about short-term temptations and long-term goals, they can better resist immediate rewards. For example, instead of focusing on the immediate pleasure of eating a sugary snack, they can remind themselves of the long-term health benefits of choosing a healthier alternative.

Several other techniques can be employed to enhance self-control. One such technique is implementing intentions, which involves forming specific plans for how and when to act in certain situations. This helps individuals make better decisions when faced with temptations. Regular self-monitoring, which involves tracking progress toward long-term goals to maintain accountability and motivation. Lastly, reward substitution, replacing immediate rewards with more acceptable, less harmful alternatives, can be beneficial. This satisfies the desire for instant gratification while still working toward long-term goals.

Delaying Life's Marshmallows
The Marshmallow Test has far-reaching implications beyond its initial focus on young children's ability to delay gratification. From academic pursuits to creative endeavors, the ability to prioritize long-term goals and benefits over short-term desires plays a crucial role in our personal and collective success. Understanding that life is an ongoing marshmallow test can help individuals develop greater self-awareness, resilience, and adaptability. By cultivating the skills and mindset necessary to delay gratification, individuals can enhance their chances of success in various aspects of life, from health and relationships to personal growth and community involvement.

How to Ask for What You Want.
Nothing is going to change until you ask for it.
Reviewed by Devon Frye

KEY POINTS-
Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion.
If you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.
In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy.

"We're not exchanging presents this year, right?"

Amy’s husband asked this question a few days before Christmas. At the beginning of their relationship, Amy had agreed not to exchange gifts because money was tight, but over the years, as they had more disposable income, she became resentful. For one thing, as she shopped for other Christmas gifts, she would invariably see something her husband would love and pick it up for him. She would tell herself that she loved giving gifts—receiving them just wasn’t important to her.

Amy’s teenage children seemed to have taken a cue from their father and made no effort to buy gifts to give—they were perfectly comfortable just receiving them. Every Christmas morning, after Amy had spent weeks shopping and preparing for a lovely holiday, she’d watch as everyone else opened their gifts, bought and wrapped by Amy, and she’d feel punched in the gut as she sat empty-handed.

After Christmas, Amy would slide into a funk that lasted several weeks. She told everyone it was just post-holiday blues, but she knew it was more than that.

Now here they were again, December 21, and he was asking the same question. Initially, Amy had responded as usual, saying, "That's fine." But it wasn’t fine.

In therapy, I asked Amy why she didn’t tell her family how hurt she was that they didn’t buy gifts.

“It feels embarrassing to care about gifts as an adult,” Amy replied.

“What does it mean to you that they don’t buy you gifts?” I asked.

“I feel like they don’t give me a thought. Like I’m invisible.”

“Maybe you could share that with them.”

“I’m also just mad. I shouldn’t have to ask. Literally, any gift, just something to open, would make me so happy. It should be embarrassing to them that I sit there empty-handed. I have spoiled kids and this clueless husband.”

Amy took a long pause. Her voice changed from bitter to ashamed. "Then I get mad at myself. I have obviously created this situation. If I’d spoken up years ago, this wouldn’t be happening now. My husband is a really good guy, he’s just a terrible gift-giver. Who cares? And my kids are terrific. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal. What is wrong with me?’

Amy’s inner dialogue probably sounds familiar to many of us. One part of us feels upset and wants to change the status quo. But then another part of us, reluctant to rock the boat, rushes in to talk us out of taking any action, minimize our feelings about a situation, and insist that everything is fine. Finally, a third part insists that this is all our fault anyways, so we should just shut up and take our medicine.

I worked with Amy to help her speak up to her family. She called a family meeting to talk about expectations for the coming holiday. In addition to getting more help with the cooking and general preparations, Amy said that she had been hurt in the past when she hadn’t received any presents when she put so much effort into buying presents for them. To the kids, she said, “You are old enough to reciprocate some of what I do for you. I try to be generous and considerate of you, and I would like the same in return.” To her husband, Amy said, “I love gifts. I know that you don’t care either way, but going forward, I’d like a gift from you at Christmas.”

Why You Need to Ask for What You Want
In healthy relationships, your loved ones want you to be happy. If that isn't the case, you need to reevaluate how you are going to participate in these relationships.

I often hear, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, comments like, “But he should know what I want," or, "I don't want to have to tell her every single thing." This mindset, common as it may be, leads to years of resentment and unhappiness that can easily be avoided by being honest, ahead of time, about what you want.

For Amy, the problem was solved. From that meeting forward, Amy had presents on Christmas morning, just like everybody else. She also felt like this new behavior bled into more consideration of her in general, especially from her kids. “I feel like they are seeing me as a whole person not, not just someone who is there to cater to them.” The outcome was even better than she expected.

Here are three steps for asking for what you want:

1. Set the stage.
Make sure you have the other person’s full attention. Asking for what you want in passing might feel less daunting, but if you’re going to take the emotional risk of vulnerably asking for a change, make sure your request is going to be heard.

2. Be clear, direct, and concise.
Sometimes instead of asking for what we want, we try to communicate what we want with our mood, which always causes confusion. Don’t radiate unhappiness and hope those around you figure out why. Just tell them.

3. Show appreciation.
Nothing reinforces positive change like gratitude.

Should Amy's husband, after 25 years of marriage, have known gifts were meaningful to his wife? Should he have wanted to show his love and appreciation in this way without being asked? And now that they were teenagers, shouldn’t Amy’s kids have taken the initiative and ensured their mom felt appreciated on Christmas day? Probably, but the pattern wasn't changing until Amy stepped up and changed it.

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