The Perils of Trying to Be the Perfect Partner.
The impact of unrealistic self-criticism on romance.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
Stable relationships are a critical component of personal well-being.
Perfectionism focused on perceived expectations from a partner can adversely impact relationships.
Self-criticism does not necessarily reflect actual partner perception.
High perfectionistic concerns may cause people to maintain distance from potential partners.
Have you ever felt you are trying too hard to please a partner? Worrying about your looks, your behavior, your emotions, your words, and everything else? Not only is such critical self-evaluation exhausting, research reveals it may also be detrimental to your current relationship, or your chances of landing a new one.

The Perils of Perfectionism
You have heard it before—we are our own worst critics. We are disappointed in our looks, our performance on the job, or as a parent. We shake our heads thinking about how we could have handled situations differently. But for all of our self-reproach and criticism, does it really reflect the way our romantic partner views us? In most cases, the answer is no, which should be the end of our concern. Yet when we behave as if the answer is yes, we risk jeopardizing the happiness of our current relationship and diminishing the chances of finding a new one—leaving us alone with our critical thoughts.

Why The Perfect Partner is Single
Mariacarolina Vacca et al. (2022) examined when perfectionism predicts singlehood.[i] The research team began by recognizing the importance of creating and maintaining stable, long-lasting relationships, which are a critical component of personal well-being. Accordingly, they note that single people report a lower quality of mental health compared to their coupled counterparts.

They sought not only to determine whether perfectionism is linked with relationship status, but also which dimension of perfectionism is involved. They adopted the definition of perfectionism as, “the tendency to set excessively high standards for performance combined with overly critical self-evaluations.” They define other-oriented perfectionism as the inclination to impose unrealistically high standards on other people, in combination with a “rigorous” evaluation of the performances of others.

Strict Self-Evaluation Can Sabotage Romance
What about the standards we place on ourselves? Vacca et al. found that perfectionism focused on perceived expectations from a partner was associated with an increased likelihood of being single, which confirmed the close association between “maladaptive perfectionism” and relevant components of romantic relationships. They explain that people with high perfectionistic concerns may be more vulnerable to perceived expectations and choose to maintain distance from potential partners, which inhibits mating goals even for people who desire to be in a relationship. For those already partnered up, Vacca et al. speculate that although more research is needed, people with this proclivity may be more likely to end romantic relationships when they are feeling perfectionistic pressure from partners.

Accepting Imperfection
No one is perfect. Accepting this reality can shift your attention and effort into enhancing the lives of others instead of worrying about your own faults—many of which your partner likely does not notice anyway.

Although professional help is available, you can also use trusted friends and family as sounding boards to ensure your self-critical concerns are grounded in reality. Chances are, many of them are not. Slowly but surely, you can work toward changing your goal from being perfect to being perfectly content—which will benefit both you and your significant other.

BULLYING-
Stop Making Me Feel Guilty for Watching “Friends” Re-runs.
Personal Perspective: Entertainment is a reflection of current awareness.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

Lately, a new favorite pastime of certain organizations, groups, and vocal critics seems to be directing their vitriol at the TV show Friends. And yet repeats of the show have never been more popular—even creating demand for a cast reunion special in 2021 and a current national touring exhibit of popular Friends sets, including Central Perk and Monica’s and Rachel’s apartment.

I acknowledge that during the show’s run from September 22, 1994, to May 6, 2004 (during which it eclipsed any kind of ratings that could be had today via streaming outlets), the series had some very vocal—and somewhat deserved—criticism. Just as most forms of art do. Whether today’s loudest critics want to admit it or not, the TV show Friends is a form of art. Actors. Writers. Directors. Costumers. Set decorators. Crew members. A group of creative people came together to produce (say it aloud with me) entertainment.

As a very overweight, closeted young gay man in the 90s, I sometimes bristled at fat jokes made at the expense of morbidly obese Monica during the show’s flashback sequences. Just as I would cower when seeing scenes depicting characters Joey and Ross losing their minds over being perceived as "gay" after mistakenly falling asleep next to one another.

But you know what? Even through my winces, I was laughing. Because I was seeing aspects of myself on screen. Whether anyone today wants to admit it or not, Ross being married to a lesbian (a storyline played out over the course of the series) was groundbreaking in those days and can even be credited with making the entertainment climate more receptive to shows like Will & Grace and others.

Was Friends’ depiction of certain ideas or situations perfect? No. Could the show have had more regular cast members of different ethnicities and identities? Definitely. But for the time frame, the show ran during, the creatives behind the series were likely doing the best they knew how to.

While it can be helpful, moving forward, to look back and find ways to evolve in all aspects of society, to lay criticism on artists and fans as if we should have been culturally aware of the standards in 2023 during the 1990s is not helpful. Aren’t we all doing the best we know how to—then and now? Instead of lambasting me and other devout fans of Friends or other shows, why not create something yourselves? Something we can love and applaud along with you.

No one has a time machine (trust me, I’d have used it several times by now for all sorts of reasons). We can’t go back and change anything. So to humiliate people for loving something from their past, something that might have given them solace and hope (say, for instance, someone like me—again, a very overweight, closeted young gay man who was told I could not “come out” at work unless I wanted to be fired, and that I would never find romance because of my size) doesn't manifest positive change. It often creates an atmosphere of guilt, shame, and toxicity.

Friends wasn’t perfect. No form of entertainment is (don’t get me started on the last few seasons of Game of Thrones). But we can celebrate effort. We can celebrate laughter. We can celebrate a weekly experience millions of people share on Thursday evenings. And yes, we can even celebrate creative missteps that might have been made now that we know better. But please, don’t shoot the messengers (in this case, the artists). Or the watchers (in this case, the fans). Your ideas about how things should have been (or, even more ideal, how things can be) might be better served by creating your own forms of art.

SLEEP-
Tips for Sleep Support
Simple and practical ideas to help you get the rest you need.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
Adjusting our attitude about insomnia can help with insomnia.
Soothe your worries the same way you might soothe a worried child.
Right before falling asleep or in a state of deep rest are great times to plant positive seeds into our subconscious minds.

If you struggle with insomnia, you know only too well the effects it can have on your quality of life. Consider the following tips from a therapist who used to toss and turn the nights away and, with a few simple adjustments, developed a peaceful relationship with sleep. May these practices bring you the rest you seek and deserve.

Attitude Adjusting
Ironically, one of the biggest contributors to insomnia is worrying about insomnia. Most people who have difficulty falling or staying asleep have thoughts along these lines: Uh oh. What if I can’t fall asleep? I have to get back to sleep. How am I going to function tomorrow? Another hour has passed. I need to get to sleep!

Though completely understandable, thoughts and questions like these do nothing to quiet our minds and calm our nervous systems. They usually generate anxiety, which is the opposite of sleep-inducing. Imagine shifting to thoughts like It’s okay. I can practice mindfulness by tuning into what is actually, factually, here right now. This is an opportunity to rest. Rest is the sibling of sleep.

It's amazing what happens when we turn down the pressure to sleep and turn up the intention to rest.

Soothing the Mind
Sometimes physical factors contribute to insomnia, but oftentimes it‘s worrisome thoughts that keep us awake. Many people spend hours swimming in a swirl of anxiety, which of course, does nothing to help them rest or fall asleep. What if you could tend to your worried mind as you might tend to a scared child? Imagine a child came into your room in the middle of the night and told you they couldn’t sleep. My guess is you would soothe and comfort them. We can do the same thing with our minds. If worried thoughts keep you up at night, try soothing and comforting your mind like you would an anxious child and notice the calming effects.

Screening and Scrolling
The pull of screens can be fierce and lead many people to spend their pre-sleep time scrolling on their devices. Using screens right before sleep can throw off our systems and have the opposite effect of winding down, which is precisely what we need to be doing to prepare for rest and a good night’s sleep. Turning off screens and devices at least an hour before sleep can positively affect our ability to fall asleep faster, sleep deeper, and wake up feeling more rested.

Since it’s much easier to start a new behavior rather than stop doing a habitual one, if going screen-less before sleep is something you’d like to try, consider creating a list of calming practices that could take the place of screening and scrolling. Breathing practices can be very calming, like keeping your laser-focused attention on your breathing or counting your breaths. Many people count backward from 100 to zero and report that they rarely make it all the way to zero.

Repeating a soothing word or phrase can also help keep the mind focused and elicit relaxation. One of my favorites is, Mind-Quiet, where you mentally say Mind as you inhale and Quiet as you exhale. If your mind wanders, as minds will do, you gently shift back to your chosen phrase as soon as you become aware that your mind has wandered. I also like Deep-Peace or Deep-Rest. You can experiment with words or phrases and find ones that feel calming.

You can also download sleep meditations on your device to listen to a calming guided meditation without Wi-Fi. There are countless ones available. If you want to join me, I have several free sleep meditations. It’s actually the only time in my life when someone tells me that they fell asleep while I was talking, and I consider it a good thing!

Belly and Bladder Balance
Another important aspect of sleep support is taking care of our physical needs. This means making sure that you’re not going to bed hungry or overly full. Also, make sure that you haven’t had caffeine late in the day, and trying not to drink too much water right before sleep so you don’t have to get up for too many bathroom breaks, but also be hydrated enough that you don’t wake up in the middle of the night, parched. Of course (and thankfully!), this doesn’t have to be perfect, but if we do our best to balance our hunger and thirst, we can better support our rest.

Shhhhhh
Many people find great benefits from white sound and earplugs. White sound machines are easy to find, as are white sound apps that can be listened to in airplane mode. Doing your best to ensure a quiet space can really assist in creating a cozy and peaceful environment.

Lights Out
Even with lights and devices off, many people still surround themselves with small lights that can adversely affect sleep. I have found black duct tape extremely handy to cover up all the little lights in the bedroom. Some people enjoy wearing a soft eye mask to block out any light. Additionally, the blue light from screens can convince our bodies that it’s daytime instead of nighttime, so you might consider changing the blue light on your devices to a different color and adjusting the brightness on your screens when the sun goes down to help you shift from daytime energy to nighttime relaxation.

Check In for a Check-Up
While many people attribute their sleep disturbances to mental, emotional, or environmental factors, it’s also important to rule out or address any potential medical conditions or medication side effects contributing to sleep problems. Hopefully, you have a health practitioner who can help address any physical factors that might adversely impact your sleep.

Sprinkling Subconscious Seeds
Right before sleep or in a state of deep rest are wonderful times to plant seeds into our subconscious minds. Consider what thoughts to plant and grow in your pre-sleep garden. Thinking about things we love, appreciate, or feel grateful for can make for a wonderful bedtime ritual. We can also imagine ourselves being how we wish to be. For example, if you are someone who wants more confidence, you could come up with a scene or a feeling where you feel confident as you drift into deep rest or sleep. If you want more peace, you could envision yourself on a peaceful vacation. You can picture or think of any image or feeling that conjures a state you wish to have or have more of.

As Thomas Edison said, “Never go to sleep without a request to your subconscious.”

NARCISSISM-
6 Things a Narcissistic Partner Rarely Says in a Relationship.
Understand how and why the absence of these responses may impact you.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
A partner's low emotional intelligence can impact your sense of self.
A robustly and rigidly defensive partner may lack the emotional capacity to relate in healthy ways.
Narcissistic partners rarely say things like "What I did was insensitive and I apologize," or "I would be mad too."
The constant absence of six sentiments may indicate a partner has narcissistic tendencies. Their lack of empathy, insight, and ability to self-reflect, be accountable, and partner with you instead of taking control may be evidence of low emotional intelligence. An explanation of how these deficiencies impact you may help you evaluate the emotional safety of the relationship.

1. "I hurt your feelings, and that is not okay."
Often, a narcissist is annoyed and indignant when their partner communicates a feeling that they do not appreciate. This may be most evident when the partner attempts to address an issue with the narcissist, which involves the narcissist doing or saying something hurtful. Instead of conveying empathy, as in the statement above, they tend to dodge accountability and either shame the partner, dismiss the partner or withdraw their affection to punish the partner passively aggressively. Owning a hurtful action in the moment is rare for narcissists because they are typically robustly defensive and resist “looking in the mirror.”

However, after several days or weeks pass, the narcissist may try to take responsibility for their selfish act but eventually minimize or subtly justify the transgression. In place of authentic and heartfelt introspection during the course of the interaction, it can take days and weeks for the narcissist to grasp an understanding of their emotional mistreatment, and even then, they may not grasp the negative impact their actions had on you.

2. "You have every right to be upset."
In a relationship, a narcissist often has difficulties honoring your feelings when they feel differently than you; thus, they lack empathy. Empathy requires a person to access the deep and uncomfortable emotions that allow them to momentarily resonate with a partner’s emotional discomfort in order to truly understand. This allows the partner to feel less alone in their predicament and connected to a loved one who gets it. Feeling understood and close to someone in emotional distress is usually comforting and can speed up the healing process.

A narcissist may be too fragile to put themselves in another person’s shoes because it is difficult and taxes a waning sense of self. Providing empathy requires a person have “broad emotional shoulders.” A narcissist usually has low emotional intelligence and thus prefers to be sympathetic because they escape the brief hardship empathy requires. Instead, they would rather to be the hero. Sympathizing allows them to emotionally distance themselves from the pain by pitying you. Next, they usually take a position of authority and tell you how to fix the problem or offer to swoop in and “save the day.” Either way, they use your most painful moments as an opportunity to fluff up their ego.

3. "I’m glad you told me that bothered you–I’ll try to be more considerate."
Addressing an issue with a narcissist frequently leads to an epic battle. Their refusal to consider your perspective if it differs can be maddening. Frustrated and agitated, you may waste a lot of time and energy attempting to get the narcissist to understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, their inability to perspective-take in the context of an interpersonal relationship often prevents them from owning even small missteps in the relationship.

In addition, the narcissist may unfairly frame your attempt to address an issue with them as “aggressive” or “antagonistic.” They may immediately position themselves as the victim in the interaction and you as the “abusive party.” They often convince you and many others that you are unfairly persecuting them. In addition, a narcissist may take this as an opportunity to project their tendencies onto you. Using deflection and then projection, they ignore your viewpoint and accuse you of doing what they actually did. For example, when you confront them about a lie they told you, they twist the narrative and call you a “liar.” Due to their extreme defensiveness, they are typically unable to self-reflect, so it is unlikely that they will graciously accept the feedback and use it for permanent growth and change.

4. "What I did was insensitive–I apologize."
Narcissists usually have a distorted self-image. They see themselves as innocent, at all times, and thus are rarely able to take responsibility for an insensitive or inconsiderate action or comment. Instead, they accuse you of being “picky, harsh, overly critical, or impossible to please.” They tend to excuse their selfish or disrespectful behavior as justified in response to your “unfair criticisms.” The unwavering denial that they have done something wrong prevents them from authentically admitting fault in a relationship.

The exception, of course, is when you are fed up and ready to end things. At this point the narcissist may issue a general apology for past behaviors, however, they often minimize and justify their wrongdoings. The evidence of their insincerity is the continual repetition of hurtful behavior in the future. They lack genuine empathy, remorse, and insight, so the apology is simply lip service in order to get out of “hot water.” This type of partner rarely apologizes when it matters the most.

5. "I would be mad too."
One of the telltale signs of narcissism is a lack of empathy. A narcissist shames and dismisses you for identifying a feeling that they do not care to hear. The expectation is that you feel the same way about the relationship as they do. If you are mad, they react angrily in response to your anger. If you dare to express a feeling that is incongruent with how they feel, they may passive-aggressively punish you by withdrawing their love and affection. In order to avoid being emotionally abandoned, you may find yourself censoring your feelings because you are afraid that you will be rejected. A series of these micro-abandonments may cause you to shut down essential aspects of who you are.

Moreover, when a loved one strips you of your basic human right to feel what you feel, it can be dehumanizing. When you are treated as less than human, it may induce anger and pain. These experiences can be traumatizing. Desperate to be heard, respected, and understood, and deeply disappointed when you are not, may result in feelings of loneliness and shame.

6. "How can I help?"
More often than not, a narcissist truly believes they know best. Unable to perspective take, they firmly believe there is one right way, and it is their way. Because of this unilateral and egocentric viewpoint, they tend to tell their partner what to do–a lot. Because the narcissist believes they know everything, they demand that you follow their advice.

Also, narcissists tend to enjoy being the hero, so they like to save and rescue. In place of following your lead about how they can best support you, they may take over and grab control. You may be grateful for the help, but it may also strip you of your own self-efficacy and create dependence on the narcissist. A loss of confidence in your own competence may follow. Alternatively, a partner who asks for guidance on how to support you best may be someone who has faith in your ability to solve problems.

Taking responsibility for hurtful behavior in the moment is rare for a narcissist because they lack the ability to introspect. Offering empathy is also uncommon for them, as they prefer to use your hardship as an opportunity to fuel their ego by either being the “expert” or by playing the “hero.” In addition, considering your feedback is almost impossible for a narcissist due to their immediate and hefty defensiveness. An apology may only be issued when their back is against the wall, and taking over in place of asking you what you need may also be a sign. For these reasons, a narcissistic partner may fail to respond in ways that preserve the closeness in a relationship.

4 Contributors to Heterosexual Women’s Low Sexual Desire.
2. Having to be a partner’s mother dampens women’s sexual desire.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
A recent study found that lower female libido can result from many societal norms, especially related to heterosexual couples.
Sex is often seen and related only to reproduction, placing women in a box of being a “mother” and a “caretaker.”
Objectification and inequitable gendered divisions of labor lead to inequitable gendered divisions of desire.
In a recent study titled “The Heteronormativity Theory of Low Sexual Desire in Women Partnered With Men,” researchers Sari M. van Anders et al. found that lower female libido can result from many societal norms, especially related to heterosexual couples. This article is extremely important since low sexual desire is a common, though not-often-talked-about, sexual struggle for women and a frequent treatment goal of sex therapy clients and couples in therapy practice.

Sex is often seen and related only to reproduction (van Anders et al.), placing women in a box of being a “mother” and a “caretaker.” Studies have found that men do not share parenting and housekeeping responsibilities equally, which creates resentment from their female partners and decreases the desire for partnered sex. Although more recent studies show an increase in men’s domestic contributions in heterosexual marriages, women still do most of the chores and/or family organization leading to lower satisfaction with their marriage, as stated in the article “Perceived Housework Equity, Marital Happiness, and Divorce in Dual-Earner Households” by Michelle Frisco and Kristi Williams, which isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac in the desire department for women.

van Anders et al. found four predictions of how heterosexual relationships lead to low sexual desire:

1. Inequitable gendered divisions of labor lead to inequitable gendered divisions of desire.
Women are often responsible for relationship maintenance and family management. Women also often do recurring chores like cooking, washing dishes, cleaning, and laundry. These are all considered “low-schedule control” tasks.

Men often take care of “high-schedule control” chores like house and car maintenance and paying bills, which are performed less frequently and with more flexibility. These differences in chores and responsibilities can cause stress on the women in the relationship, leading to low sexual desire.

Women can often feel more like a mother than a partner, and society regularly desexualizes mothers and parenting. Men may have more time to spend on being a “partner.” Women are expected to achieve more in the house. Women have to ask men to share the responsibility or “nag” them to be equals in the house. Marginalized women often have a harder time asking for and receiving help, and women who rely on men financially often have a harder time standing up for themselves or feeling like they have a right to ask for more help with the house and kids.

These inequities between partners often have negative effects on the sexual aspects of a relationship. Tasks at home can add up to a lot of stress. With chores constantly being added to the to-do list, women feel like sex gets relegated to a lower priority. One woman stated she “would rather make sure the bills are paid, clean the house, do things that need to get done than participate in sexual activity.”

2. Having to be a partner’s mother dampens women’s sexual desire.
Heterosexual couples have traditionally thrust women into the role of nurturer and caregiver. Once children enter the picture, relationships can go from partner-partner to mother-child, with one partner becoming caregiver dependent. Women will do the same tasks for their husbands/partners that they do for their children, including:

Reminding/planning/organizing of chores and social events.
Buying clothes.
Planning/shopping/preparing dinner every night.
Heterosexual male partners/husbands sometimes still expect their partner/wives to care for them like their mom did, as it is what was modeled for them in their parents’ marriages. This is not usually a role women choose to have between them and their partners, which can frequently lessen their sexual desire.

3. Objectification of women downregulates women’s desire.
Heteronormativity focuses on women’s sexual appearance over their pleasure. Women are taught early on to appear sexy rather than feel their sexuality for themselves. Women are for men to get enjoyment from, making women’s wants and need a low priority. Men believe women’s bodies are offered to them as part of a marriage contract. They can have sex whenever they feel like it, and the women are expected to consent. Women’s desire is often based on whether men find them desirable, causing women to feel like they need to spend a lot of time on their appearance for the other.

The study found that women who have lower self-esteem tended to have lower sexual desire and lower sexual pleasure. In many cultures and families, children are taught that women’s genitals are “dirty” or nonsexual. This belief can distract women as adults during sex and lead to low self-esteem. Sex education focuses on the vagina as a reproductive organ rather than focusing on the clitoris, vulva, and labia, which are the pleasure centers of the female genitalia. The study observed that men view sex as a way to show off their technical skills, often viewing access to women’s sexuality as a trophy to be won rather than focusing on women’s enjoyment during sex.

4. Gender norms surrounding sexual initiation contribute to women’s low sexual desire.
Sex often starts when men initiate it, and some women feel uncomfortable making the first move. Women are taught to want to have sex when men are ready. They are shamed for having their own desire, having been called a “slut” if they initiate too directly. Yet when women turn down a sexual initiation, they have traditionally been labeled a “prude,” “stuck up,” or a “tease.”

The study shows that women reported feeling like masturbating might be seen as cheating by their partners, so they avoid solo sex even if they want to. Heterosexual sex is painted as real sex, traditionally shown as offering a low rate of orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. When sex does not lead to sexual pleasure, it reduces one's sex drive. Women continuously say that they view sex as a “job requirement.” The study states that “Women may be unable to refuse sex because of justified fears of violence or resource withdrawal…” That is why “marital rape” needs to be discussed much more widely.

Stress, Future Research, and Treatment
Stress is a major contributing factor to low sexual desire. Women may feel stress from pregnancy, whether wanted or not, babies/children, physical pain from breastfeeding, carrying, rocking, lifting, and sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, most research on women's sexuality is still done with white, middle-class, able-bodied, heterosexual, cisgender, and monogamous women, so any women outside of these categories should and do feel like they cannot get evidence-based answers or care for their low desire or other sexual questions and needs. As sex therapists and general psychotherapists, we witness how individual cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy, and couples counseling can improve concerns related to low female desire, decreased sex in relationships and marriages, as well as lower intimacy and attachment in relationships.

As a systemically oriented couples and certified sex therapist, I am also aware that sexual desire is an intersectional experience and has to be addressed by using thorough biopsychocultural-spiritual assessments and collaborative treatment goals.

ALCOHOLISM-
3 Common Mistakes That Keep Drinkers Trapped.
Uncover the keys to unlock a new relationship with alcohol.
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
The question “Am I an alcoholic” can be alienating and gives the illusion of safety. It often keeps drinkers stuck in shame and blame.
A solely behavior-focused approach fails to address the roots of a behavior and often keeps drinkers trapped in an internal tug-of-war.
The limiting beliefs about life in sobriety keeps drinkers from creating a life that is filled with joy and fulfillment.
Most drinkers who start to question their relationships with alcohol will spend countless hours questioning whether they have a “drinking problem.” They often try to use willpower to white-knuckle their way into a new relationship with alcohol. Many of them will, regrettably, come to the conclusion that they may have to settle for a life where they constantly feel deprived.

Often, drinkers have been stuck in the pain of shame and blame, the internal tug-of-war, and the feeling of missing out due to three mistakes. As an ex-drinker, I was trapped in shame and self-loathing for a long time due to these mistakes, and I do not wish the same for you.

The 3 Mistakes That Keep Drinker Stuck
The first mistake is asking the wrong question. The first thing most drinkers do when they start to question their relationship with alcohol is ask the painful question, “Am I an alcoholic?” Many drinkers have, at some point, typed the question into Google and miserably clicked on link after link trying to find an answer that they are not sure whether they are ready to hear.

The second mistake is focusing on the wrong thing. After spending countless hours searching for the answer of whether they're an alcoholic, most drinkers will play a little game that I like to call “making up new ways to not drink.” Most drinkers, myself included, will spend months, even years, experimenting with different new rules to better control their relationships with alcohol. Regrettably, most of us find that all of our brilliant new strategies would eventually fail.

The third mistake is letting limiting beliefs hold us hostage. Most drinkers who have tried to quit and failed don’t believe, on some level, that it’s possible to have a different relationship with alcohol while still living the life they wish to live. Some don’t see how one can be sober and happy at the same time. Others are convinced that alcohol, in one way or another, plays a crucial role in their life.

Why Do Drinkers Make These Mistakes
Drinkers make these mistakes for good reasons. In fact, even professionals often get caught up in these mistakes. We tend to fixate on whether someone has an “alcohol use disorder” because we are taught to separate drinkers into two categories: the normal drinker vs. the problematic drinker. We tend to focus only on behavior (such as how much and how often someone is consuming alcohol) because behavior is the most obvious and visible factor. We tend to hold limiting beliefs about what life could entail without alcohol because we hear stories about how hard changing an addictive behavior could be. We see the media portray recovery life in a monotone of dreadfulness and struggle. Then we personally experience how difficult letting go of alcohol is at first. So, drinkers make these mistakes for logical reasons. But the mistakes can be costly, nonetheless.

The Cost of Making These Mistakes
The question, “Am I an alcoholic” can not only alienate but also can give the illusion of safety. We choose to believe if one falls into the normal drinker category that they are somehow immune to developing a drinking issue. In reality, all problem drinkers were once normal drinkers. On the other hand, if one falls into the problem drinker category, then, all of a sudden, they become the “others.” A group that cannot act safely around alcohol. Such an alienating question hinders drinkers’ ability to re-evaluate their relationship with alcohol with clear eyes.

A solely behavior-focused approach addresses only the effects without attending to the cause. Drinkers don’t drink just for the sake of consuming alcohol. We drink because, deep down, we believe alcohol can provide us with what we need or want, such as relaxation, happiness, or acceptance by our peers. Changing only behavior, without changing how one sees alcohol, means drinkers would have to continue fighting against their own needs on a regular basis.

The beliefs we hold can be either limiting or enabling. Belief has the power to shape our experience by determining how we interpret each event. It has the capacity to direct outcomes by deciding how resourceful we can be in pursuing our goals. As long as a drinker believes a life without alcohol means only pain and misery, it can be nothing more than that.

Sober Curiosity: Embracing a New Possibility
What would happen if we stop fixating on the question “Am I an alcoholic,” stop focusing solely on changing our behavior, and stop letting limiting beliefs hold us back?

In my practice, I show drinkers how to unlearn everything they learned about alcohol and embrace a new possibility with limited alcohol consumption. Starting today, I invite you to start to ask yourself a new question, the only real question that matters: “Will my life be better with less alcohol?” I encourage you to shift your focus and start to pay attention to your beliefs by asking, “What does alcohol do for me?” I urge you to let go of anything you were told and allow yourself to become curious about, “How can I enjoy my life more with less alcohol?”

Let's go Taiwan. R.O.C.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” — Thomas Edison