There are aspects to the personalities of other people that we may find annoying or disturbing. It is often best if we can just ignore them. However, too often we are tempted to replay their actions or behavior in our minds and rehearse the perfect cynical remark to make the next time we see them.

Both psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung and literature professor Joseph Campbell wrote and lectured about what is often referred to as the dark side of our personality. Ironically, what we find unnerving in others can often be a reflection of our own dark, or "shadow," side. This can be an aspect of our personality that remains hidden or that we wish to remain hidden.

Jung noted: “The man who is unconscious of himself acts in a blind, instinctive way and is in addition fooled by all the illusions that arise when he sees everything that he is not conscious of in himself coming to meet him from outside as projections upon his neighbour." (The Philosophical Tree, Complete Works 13, Alchemical Studies)

From a clinical and academic perspective, understanding our shadow side can be complicated. And from a personal perspective, it is a challenge. According to Campbell, “The shadow is, so to say, the blind spot in your nature. It’s that which you won’t look at about yourself.” (Pathways to Bliss)

Our own shadow might not have characteristics of the actual Dark Triad—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—but may still have disturbing traits too often seen within work environments. A workplace with leaders who are aggressive, controlling, and demeaning, or willing to sabotage, can be toxic. If such behavior remains unchecked, it can lead to a reduction in productivity (as detailed by Anjum et al 2018).

How do we recognize our own shadow side? When we take an immediate dislike to a person, we should consider asking ourselves if they might offer a reflection of an aspect of our own personality. Even if we have overcome that aspect of our personality, perhaps a negative trait, we may not want to be reminded of it. We may run into our shadow side when we come in contact with the person who most angers, annoys, or irritates us.

In one of my early books, I wrote a section inspired by Morton Kelsey’s The Other Side of Silence. When you are in the company of someone who unnerves and angers you, by taking a good look at yourself and reflecting on certain questions may be an eye-opener:

• What do I most dislike about this person?
• Does this person appear to be holding up a mirror reflecting traits in myself that I would rather not see?
• Does this person remind me of an aspect of my own personality that I am ashamed of or wish to keep hidden?
• What aspects of that other person are or were a part of your own shadow side?
• How have I tamed or am I working to tame those negative traits in my own personality?

Gratitude when your peace is disturbed

While self-reflection is valuable, if the person is disturbing your peace, protect yourself.

• When the red flags fly, step back and ponder the situation before reacting to it.
• Respect your inner voice. It may be that this person is too needy and will sap your energy. Or they may be someone who will turn out to be harmful to you. If so, stay away as best as possible.
• Rise above the negativity. When you are with the person or in a situation that “rubs you the wrong way,” think of ways to detach yourself.

In some ways, finding a bit of gratitude in that situation can be helpful. Be grateful that you can walk away. Be grateful that you can keep silent. Be grateful that you are or were able to overcome negative traits.

When you answer these questions honestly you will see how the struggle between your higher nature and your shadow side can be distressing. On those days you will have the most difficulty with gratitude. Acknowledge this and move on so that you can reclaim your serenity.