When we think an issue only has an either-or solution, we are not recognizing its complexity. I propose that taking the time to include all possible options, a “both-and” process, would allow us to make our decisions based on a deeper recognition of who we are, what we believe, and what we truly need. When we jump to the answer too quickly, it is often a way to avoid the anxiety of indecision and the vulnerability of possibly choosing the wrong option. We may be operating from the strong societal message that any hesitation in decision-making is a sign of weakness.

Within the existential-humanistic perspective, there is a process that James Bugental, PhD., termed “inward searching.” Inward searching enables us to reach clarity about an issue that better resonates with who we are at our core. Rather than immediately jumping to the endpoint, we sit in the “space of unknowing” until clarity emerges.

We do this by being with all our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that bubble up as we sit with our concerns about an issue. We sit with “both-and” not “either-or.” If we do, we will eventually experience a bodily felt resonance with what we are discovering. There is a release, a sense of rightness around what has emerged.

This process is not about thinking up a solution. It is about allowing all the thoughts and feelings that bubble up to be identified until there is more clarity. If this is done successfully, the next step will emerge naturally.

Inward Searching Within a Therapy Session

A client of mine was torn between two opposite ways of going forward in her career. One was her need to stay in her full-time job as the sole provider for her family. The second was her need to embrace her desire to make a powerful contribution to address the climate crisis. She was grappling with the two options and felt she was faced with only two choices. Quit her job and put her family at risk. Or keep her job and ignore her desire to invest completely in making a contribution concerning the climate crisis.

As she engaged in the inward searching process, several disparate feelings emerged. She recognized that if she quit her current job, she would have more time to forge a path that would feel more meaningful. However, if she did so, she would struggle with her anxiety about providing for her family’s needs. If she stayed in her full-time job, she would struggle with feelings of guilt and depression for not being able to invest enough time in her passion to make a difference.

As she explored these disparate feelings, the phrase “hearth and fire” came to mind. She realized her relationship with “hearth” revolved around how vital it was to provide for her family through the stability of her income. Simultaneously, she realized her relationship to the word “fire” revolved around how vital it was to her to be a conscious global citizen and to do her part to counteract the climate crisis.

If she over-emphasized hearth, her fear of not being safe enough would reduce her fire to embers. She didn’t want that. If she over-emphasized her fire, she would reduce the stability of her income, which could lead to severe anxiety. She didn’t want that.

By staying with her inner process and acknowledging the thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations that bubbled up, she came to realize the inherent value in both “hearth and fire.” It wasn’t an either-or solution. It was a both-and. Thus, in holding the phrase as “hearth and fire” instead of “hearth or fire,” she discovered the value of both for herself. They weren’t enemies. They were ways of showing how to integrate both of these important values into her life. In being with the both-and, she discovered the optimal way for her to go forward.

Her intention became not to choose one over the other but to continue to discover, through the inward searching process, how to integrate the two values. The solution that emerged for her was to find out if she could shift to a part-time position at her present firm that would meet enough of her financial needs. This would allow her more time to be with her fire. If that wasn’t a possibility, she recognized that she would be OK with seeking out a position at another firm that would meet both her financial needs and her passion to contribute to addressing the climate crisis. This would allow her time to be with her fire while still providing for her family.

The gift inherent in the inward searching process is that it is unique to everyone. Another person with the same concern could have recognized that their need for the safety of the hearth was of a higher value than they first thought. Then, they reduced their expectations of what their contribution to addressing the climate crisis would be. Or they recognized that their commitment to contribute to climate change solutions was worth having to deal with their anxiety about providing for their family.

Working With Your Own Issue

Choose a concern you have. Take a few deep breaths. Focus on your concern, allowing all your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations to emerge and have a seat at the table. Let them intermingle. Patience is key. Stay with the process of letting them intermingle. At some point, clarity will emerge. You will recognize your optimal path forward because there will be a bodily felt rightness about that next step.

It takes courage to stay with this process rather than jumping to a quick solution. I feel using the inward searching process on an ongoing basis leads to a deeper and richer way of living.

I wish you the best in your decision-making.