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Think about the last time you and your partner disagreed about something. Whose side did you take?

This question probably seems silly—of course, you took your own side. But the answer is less trivial when you consider every argument you’ve had with every partner, present and past.

When your opinion differed from your partner’s, your point of view seemed right to you 100 percent of the time, at least in the moment. Eventually, you may have come around to your partner’s way of thinking in some cases or realized you weren’t being completely fair. But during the argument, it seemed like you were right and they were wrong.

It’s not surprising that you’re predisposed toward believing you’re right. Your brain evolved to protect you, both physically and psychologically. When you think your well-being is threatened in some way, your mind quickly circles the wagons around what it perceives to be your best interest. This reflex is supported by biases that skew your perception in your favor.

My-Side Bias

This bias ensures you’ll see your own position more favorably than your partner’s. My-side bias leads people to “evaluate evidence, generate evidence, and test hypotheses in a manner biased toward their own prior beliefs, opinions, and attitudes” (Stanovich et al., 2013). Just as it's hard to take in information that goes against your favored political party, it's difficult to entertain ideas that don't support your personal point of view. Siding with "team me" is a powerful tendency, and is no less likely regardless of intelligence.

My-side bias explains why you can see yourself as the “good guy,” regardless of which side of an argument you’re on. For example, imagine your partner acting irritably toward you for no apparent reason, which leads you to get upset at them for treating you unfairly.

But when you’re irritated with your partner in a similar way, it’s easy to explain your irritation in ways that lay the blame at your partner’s feet. Maybe you think they shouldn't have asked you a question when you were trying to concentrate or talked to you before you had had your morning coffee.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

My-side bias is bolstered by a mental pattern known as the fundamental attribution error. This cognitive bias leads us to emphasize internal factors when explaining others’ shortcomings, and external factors when accounting for our own.

For example, if your partner has a fender bender, you might blame it on their carelessness. But if you have a similar accident under similar circumstances, you might focus on how poor the visibility was or on others' bad driving. These different explanations lead you to see others’ mistakes as personal and blameworthy, and your own as situational and not your fault.

Having Better Arguments

Recognizing these tendencies won’t put an end to fights with your partner. However, research shows that you can decrease my-side bias during arguments by aiming for consensus, instead of persuasion (Felton et al., 2015).

Consensus is a worthwhile goal since workable solutions will need to make room for the interests and perspectives of both you and your partner—what Felton and colleagues call “arguing to agree.” After all, you can't "win" a relationship by being right more often. Winning happens when you find more harmony.

With greater awareness of how the mind works, you can be less attached to your self-protective default position when you have arguments. You’ll still have a strong tendency to see yourself as in the right and your partner as in the wrong. But you might find that it’s just not that interesting to cling so tenaciously to your own perspective.

See what it’s like to entertain the possibility that you and your partner each hold a piece of the truth. Rather than trying to make your partner see that you’re right, look for ways to listen and understand their point of view.