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Think about the people you love in your life, perhaps family members, a friend, or your partner. Now ask yourself: Do I also like this person?

My previous post explored how loving and liking do not always mesh. You might love dearly your parents, a partner, a sibling, or a child, but do they also drive you crazy?

Love implies connection, affection, and caring. You care enough about someone to want to increase their happiness. Experiencing a warm glow in your heart and deep appreciation as you think about someone may reflect your love. Bringing someone a gift, buying their favorite food without their asking, sharing appreciation, or gazing warmly into their eyes may be expressions of your love.

Love is more than just a feeling; there’s a complexity to love. It’s a way of seeing a person—glimpsing their beauty, their worthiness, their goodness—and how they touch something deep inside you. Mutual love involves extending yourselves into each other's inner world. And you may recognize their flaws and limits without disabling your love.

The Simplicity of Liking Someone

Is it possible to love someone yet not feel comfortable or emotionally safe around them? For example, you may love your parents, but can't stand interacting with them for very long. After a brief visit, you may get antsy as a parent reverts to old habits of criticizing, judging, and trying to change you. You love them, but if you’re honest with yourself, you might recognize that you don’t always enjoy their company.

Liking is not as complicated as loving. Think about someone you like, perhaps not all the time, but someone who you basically enjoy being with and talking to. What is it about them that makes you fond of them? Perhaps they are kind and gentle and they show interest in you. Or maybe it’s something about how they smile, look into your eyes, joke around with you, or tease you lightly that softens and relaxes you. You feel emotionally safe being around them rather than on guard—anticipating the next jolt of criticism.

One thing that distinguishes liking from loving is your comfort level with a person. You feel free being yourself rather than being guarded and walking on eggshells. There’s a trust that you can talk about anything—or almost anything—without a fear that you’ll be judged, shamed, or rejected. Whether or not you feel comfortable with a person is not a complex evaluation. Either you basically feel at ease or you don’t.

In an ideal world, we would like the people we love. Maybe you’re blessed to have people in your life with whom you experience a comfortable, easy connection, as well as affection and love for them. But loving and liking may not coincide. Our relationship with a rebellious child, a chiding parent, or a partner who is all too often unkind may be riddled with unpleasant ambiguity.

All of this raises a question: What makes us likable and how can we become more likable? Some of the keys to being likable include a willingness to be real and genuine. Being courageously authentic implies that we trust someone with our tender heart, which tends to incline them toward liking us.

Trust builds as we take risks in sharing ourselves to the point where it no longer feels like a big risk to expose what we’re genuinely feeling, thinking, and wanting. We’ve learned through experience that they welcome our authentic selves. They accept us as we are. Two people who are emotionally honest, listen deeply, and who practice kind, non-violent communication are creating a climate where liking, and even loving, can safely grow and deepen.