Sometimes therapists will define differentiation as: "separating from those close to us and focusing more on our own needs.”

I’ve been working with the concept of differentiation for more than thirty-five years, and I hold a more nuanced perspective. It’s essential to grasp that differentiation is actually aiming for a balance between attachment and autonomy. In fact, the challenge of differentiation is to live in (and thrive in) the inherent tension between those two processes.

As I came to understand differentiation more precisely, the concept transformed my work.

Most of us lean toward one end of the attachment-autonomy polarity, hoping to avoid the tension. As you might imagine, it requires a strong degree of emotional maturity to live in the tension, and to understand that tension as a normal human process.

Dyanna was eager to accommodate her partner, even when it meant she was violating her own needs. In that polarity of holding onto oneself while connecting with the other, she’s tilting far into the side of ‘connection to other’ rather than learning how to hold the balance of attending to her partner and herself, and keeping her needs in focus.

James leans the other direction. As a successful artist, he’s deeply committed to his painting process and promoting his artwork. But when he enters into a relationship with Tyra, he wants her to understand and support his work, without realizing he isn't attending to aspects of Tyra's life that are important to her, in a like manner.

Dyanna’s leaning toward attachment; James is leaning toward autonomy or self-focus. It’s very complex to teach ourselves to strive toward a balance of those inherent needs or drives in our close relationships.

If we understand differentiation has both of these crucial aspects, we start to understand the emotional development - the emotional maturity - required to be able to tolerate the intrinsic pressure or tension between autonomy and attachment, independence and inter-dependence. Proclaiming “I gotta be me!” (some mistake this for a differentiated stance) would actually be an indicator of a very low level of differentiation – i.e., someone who's not differentiated at all. Same with someone who states, “I’d do anything for you!”

Murray Bowen defined differentiation as becoming more distinct from your family of origin – not more distant.

You separate from their definition of you (their expectations). Bowen pointed toward holding onto one’s distinct sense of self while in close connection with others - a vastly more elegant, more complex process than some simplistic proclamation of one’s selfhood.

Growing up, many of us learned to give ourselves up ourselves in order to gain some measure of connection with our families – denying aspects of ourselves in order to stay connected to parents who simply couldn’t stretch beyond their notions of us. They wanted you to be a doctor, you longed to be a poet; they found the ‘perfect match’ for you to date, you had nothing in common with the person they chose; you were deeply called to political action and challenging injustice, they wanted you to “stop being so upset about everything.”

Tiny moments of undermining differentiation happen throughout our childhoods. For example, I watched my five-year-old niece bounce down the stairs, having dressed herself for kindergarten in plaid pants and a striped shirt. Her mom asks her to put on a different shirt, and she says, “Mom, you like things to match. I don’t.” She’s right in a moment of differentiation!

With differentiation, we teach ourselves that (as adults) we can connect much more deeply and fully if we simultaneously maintain our sense of self while moving toward deep intimacy. Once you learn to hold onto yourself, then you are vastly more prepared to make honest compromises or sincere accommodations . . . because it’s a clear choice, not a default move to avoid tension.

On the other side, someone who’s tightly holding onto themselves gains the ability to avidly support another, even at some cost to themselves. If one is too adamant in their sense of self, they can seem cold and uncaring; for them to also develop the capacity to be more giving and sincerely attentive is a huge step forward.

In a recent article, Jordan Dann, MFA LP wrote about the balance of the two aspects of differentiation like this: “Differentiation means that you understand that your body, perspective, needs, thoughts, feelings, desires are your own; and that you are able to tolerate that your partner is a separate person with different needs and perspectives.” (2)

Differentiation brings us to the elegant, complex task of seeking connection and holding onto our sense of self; it requires emotional maturity. Differentiation is a lifelong endeavor, waking us up to the moments where we tend to avoid the challenging tension of autonomy and attachment required by deep intimacy.