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It’s happened to all of us. Our friend is late to meet us at a restaurant. With each passing minute, we become more upset. We wonder: "Did they simply forget?" “Do they not care enough to send a simple text message about the delay?” “Is our friendship over?”

A Tale of Two Paths

What happens next matters more than you might think. This is because there are two possible paths we can take at this point. On one path, negative feelings follow these initial thoughts, and a rising tide of anger engulfs us. We start to feel hot and uncomfortable, ill at ease. Suddenly, we become less sure of ourselves and our place in the world. Later that day, we’re preoccupied and short-tempered with everyone we interact with. What had seemed like a good day has turned noticeably darker, as though the sun has gone behind a massive cloud.

But there’s a second path. On that path, we pause and check our initial thoughts about what happened. We stop to wonder—is there any other reason our friend might be so late? Merely asking this question can slow the rush of negative feelings. This creates the space to step out of our own initial perspective and imagine another point of view. What if our friend was facing an unexpected crisis beyond her control? Or what if her phone had simply run out of battery, making her feel terrible about leaving us hanging? These thoughts lead to very different feelings. Where anger had started to grow, now feelings of compassion and caring take their place. Instead of shrinking into ourselves, we feel the urge to reach out and help others. What had seemed like a good day still seems like a good day, as we reflect on how many things had to go right for us to even be where we are at this moment.

Looking for the Other Handle

The idea that our thoughts matter is nothing new. Nearly two thousand years ago, the Stoic philosopher Epictetus said: “People are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by the opinions about the things.” In other words, it’s not what happens to us that determines our emotions, but how we think about what happens to us. This is why Epictetus counseled: “Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be borne, the other of which may not.” In other words, whether we’re feeling let down by someone or discouraged by an important setback, Epictetus reminds us that there is always more than one way of thinking about it (which he refers to as a “handle”): one that allows us to bear this difficulty better, and another that prolongs our suffering.

The Science of Emotion Regulation

In the past few decades, scientists have taken this age-old wisdom to heart and begun to systematically study the effects of rethinking. Now the evidence is in, and we know that compared to people who don’t use their power of rethinking, people who do use their power of rethinking generally feel more positive emotion and less negative emotion. When negative emotions do come up, they feel less bothered by them and are better able to bounce back from a negative mood. They even seem to enjoy better physical health.

A Snapshot of Your Current Level of Rethinking

How often do you use rethinking? This short measure can help answer this question and tell you how your use of rethinking compares to other people’s.

1. When I want to feel more positive emotion (such as joy or amusement), I change what I’m thinking about.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

2. When I want to feel less negative emotion (such as sadness or anger), I change what I’m thinking about.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

3. When I’m faced with a stressful situation, I make myself think about it in a way that helps me stay calm.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

4. When I want to feel more positive emotion, I change the way I’m thinking about the situation.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

5. I control my emotions by changing the way I think about the situation I’m in.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

6. When I want to feel less negative emotion, I change the way I’m thinking about the situation.

1……2……3...…4……5……6……7

Strongly Disagree > Strongly Agree

Once you’ve answered these 6 questions, add up your answers. This is your current rethinking score. If you scored 32 or more, your score is in the top third of rethinking scores. If you scored between 26 and 31, your score is in the middle third of rethinking scores. If you scored 25 or less, your score is in the bottom third of rethinking scores.

Practicing Rethinking

Rethinking is powerful, and it brings about lots of good outcomes. It is also something we can all get better at! We can do this by pausing when our emotions start to arise, noticing our thoughts, and asking whether there are any other ways of thinking about a situation. Studies have shown that people can strengthen their rethinking skills through practice and that, when they do, they enjoy the benefits observed in people who spontaneously rethink on their own. The benefits are so dramatic that rethinking is now a key part of many scientifically supported treatments for people who are suffering from anxiety and depression.

So, remember that you can get better at rethinking by practicing this skill. And know that as you get better, you’re likely to experience more positive emotion, less negative emotion, and greater resilience when you hit a speed bump—large or small. This is the power of rethinking.