Healthy apologies are a part of stable, secure relationships.

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Have you ever had someone use words that seemed like an apology, but somehow you didn't feel better? Nothing felt resolved, and understanding seemed lacking, but you couldn't put your finger on what was missing in that apology, or why you didn't feel the relief that typically accompanies repair to a relationship.

In this case, you most likely experienced a "not really an apology" apology.

Edgar’s Failed Apology

Several types of personalities engage in this limited kind of exchange. Narcissists are one among them. Here’s an example of a narcissist’s "not really an apology" apology:

Edgar and Charlotte were friends at work. Both engineers, they’d sat side-by-side for over two decades. During that time, they shared their successes and disappointments in both their work and personal lives.

Most notably, they shared events (both positive and negative) in the lives of their children. At Charlotte’s daughter’s wedding reception, Edgar pulled Charlotte aside and took it upon himself to comment on her daughter’s development over time. Calling out what he judged to be her previous “lack of humility” and “overconfidence in her opinions,” he stated that he hoped those issues were behind her.

The next week at work, Charlotte confronted Edgar. She explained that bringing up her daughter's difficulties with her at the wedding reception had hurt her feelings.

Edgar followed up with a written apology. His words were defensive. He quibbled over the specific phrasing that he had used to describe the daughter’s issues. He doubled down on his criticisms, explaining that he believed the daughter’s “lack of humility and overconfidence in her opinions” to have compromised her adjustment to date.

He attempted to whitewash the exchange by focusing on what he believed was the daughter’s improved behavior at this point in her life. He then summarized their exchange as a “study in the difference between what was said, what was meant, and what was heard.” While Edgar paid lip service to an apology, Charlotte didn’t feel better.

Charlotte’s Lack of Relief

Charlotte’s experience is illustrative and not uncommon. The narcissist’s habits of mind interfere. Here’s what you can expect from a "not really an apology" apology.

• Reliance on explanations: The narcissist is defensive. He tries to explain things and offer rationalizations.
• Emphasis on excuses: He blames external circumstances or other people for what happened.
• Fault-finding in the facts of the exchange: He claims the other person in the relationship misperceived or misinterpreted his/their words or his/their actions.
• Resistance to responsibility: He is either slow to take responsibility for his behavior or refuses to take any responsibility at all.

The underlying message from these varied defensive attitudes is clear: It is not the narcissist’s fault.

Narcissists use blame to avoid a "real" apology.

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An Apology That Fails to Heal: The Narcissist’s Limitations

Here's what is lacking in the narcissist’s apology:

• Inability to admit wrongdoing: The narcissist is reluctant (or unable) to admit to wrongdoing. In the face of criticism, she must protect or defend her injured sense of self. For this reason, her focus turns immediately inward (i.e., to her wounded self). Often thinking in extremes, the narcissist considers herself to be either exceptional or unworthy, and in either case, cannot easily integrate mistakes or flaws into her self-concept.
• Lack of adequate concern for the other: Sufficient concern for the other person or the relationship is lacking. Fundamentally, the narcissist lacks the capacity for a healthy, meaningful relationship. In other words, the fragility of her self-concept means that she cannot fully engage in the relationship. Psychological energy is primarily focused on the self—not the other person.
• Behavior predicated on self-protection: Sensitive to slights or criticisms and situations that require an apology, narcissists are immediately caught up in protecting and inflating the self. When conflict is present, the narcissist will attempt to heal her wounds over attending to the injury of the other. Protecting herself from the threat of a blow to her self-esteem, there is no emotional energy left over to attend to other things—and that includes the other person and the relationship as a whole.

These limitations are predictable. Both clinical observation and research recognize the narcissist’s tendency to avoid responsibility and place blame outside the self.

A Healthy Apology: The Components

A healthy apology is neither an explanation nor an excuse. It requires owning up to the pain that one person caused another. It’s healthy to take responsibility for one’s actions and words, regardless of argumentation around what was said, what was meant, or what was heard.

Why is this the case? A healthy apology springs from empathy and requires equal concern for the other. Equality and reciprocity are the foundation of a friendship. They ensure health and allow forgiveness and repair, both of which can be relied upon throughout a long relationship.

A "not really an apology" apology may be a sign of narcissism and, as such, is a danger sign that should not be ignored. Further investigation is necessary to determine how narcissistic the person might be and whether the relationship should be modified accordingly.

Interaction with narcissists can be emotionally painful, but setting firm limits with such a person, as well as modifying your expectations of what they’re able to give, will help. Sometimes a relationship with a narcissist can become so unhealthy that you must limit or even restrict your contact with them.

In my book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, you'll learn that a secure, meaningful, and healthy relationship requires a capacity for empathy, understanding, and responsibility in both partners. These abilities ensure that the friendship or relationship provides the contentment and satisfaction that are the hallmarks of emotional health. Small and insignificant as it might seem, a person’s capacity to provide a meaningful apology offers powerful insight into those subtle but essential life skills.