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When we encounter real or perceived danger, our body responds with neurochemical changes to maximise our chances of survival. These physiological changes are intentionally unpleasant in order compel us to take action. Although these sensations arise from our powerful unconscious brain, we often consciously pursue better self-esteem in an effort to counteract them. Since our conscious brain is a fraction of the strength of our survival reactions, the attempt can't work and we get worn down. instead, allowing yourself to be with uncomfortable feelings and connect with them enables you to learn from them and create a more enjoyable life.

Going deep

Consider a tree as a metaphor for your life. The soil represents your entire past and is the source for learning and future growth. Roots grow relentlessly and will even grow through rock. The more developed and complex the root system, the better the chances for survival and growth.

Life is challenging, our needs are not always immediately met even in the best of circumstance, and adversity never stops coming at us. Many have suffered severe, even extreme childhood trauma, and there is plenty more to be had in adulthood. We may not feel good about much of it and might feel ashamed of the effects of our past on who we are today. As a result, a lot of time and energy is spent analyzing, fixing, covering up, whitewashing, or suppressing the past. Why wouldn’t we? Pursuing self-esteem is one of the ways of denying or suppressing the past and keeps the nervous system fired up. It also requires a lot of energy that could be used in dealing with the present and thriving.

Awareness–What are you connecting to?

By default, you are connected to your past programming. Anytime you are anxious or frustrated, you are reacting to something in the past that you perceived as threatening or dangerous. Certain phrases, behaviours, situations, and people will elicit a fairly predictable and rapid reaction. But when you are reacting without understanding why, you are at the mercy of the past. Consequently, you may make flawed decisions.

The connection that is necessary for growth is allowing yourself to feel regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. “You have to feel to heal,” has been said in almost every domain of mental health and well before modern neuroscience. Being OK with uncomfortable emotions is at the core of healing.

As you resist unpleasant thoughts and emotions, you are inadvertently placing more attention on them, and they will flourish. That is not what you want. Or you may be trying to deal with your past by pursuing pleasure. But since you cannot outrun your subconscious mind, it can’t and doesn’t work. A common approach is to achieve, acquire, and accomplish and create a life that appears wonderful to others but is not based on solid ground. The same adrenaline-fueled energy that takes you up the mountain of “success” may cause you to fall down the other side. Consider, for example, the problem of imposter syndrome.

Or, are you pursuing better self-esteem, which consists of the stories in our minds that we create in order to understand our place in the world. Unfortunately, most such stories arise from imagining who everyone else thinks we should be, and this life lens becomes embedded in our nervous system. Many of the stories are cognitive distortions and have little to do with the reality right in front of us. As they become more repetitive thought patterns, they occupy a lot of our consciousness and push out our capacity for enjoyment.

“Neuroshment”

Digging in and being with your past is the opposite energy of increasing self-esteem. You are allowing yourself to be with negativity. But the “soil” of your past is the source of “neuroshment”¹ for future growth. The paradox is that your self-esteem will flourish as you become firmly grounded in every aspect of you.