Source: photo by John Amodeo

As much as we might like to think we’re authentic, we may find that we’re not always true to ourselves with others. The essence of being ourselves is being who we really are from moment to moment. Instead of being and showing our authentic self, we may have constructed ways of being to try to look good, please others, and avoid the pain of embarrassment or rejection. We fashion a self that’s not really us, which has often been called our false self. As discussed in my book, The Authentic Heart, I call this our “fabricated self.”

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers has nudged us to live in a manner that he called “congruent.” This means that what we show and express to others is harmonious with what we’re experiencing inside. If we’re feeling angry or sad, we acknowledge and honor that. Rather than flash a fake smile or pretend we’re fine, we have the awareness and courage to be emotionally honest and genuine with ourselves, which creates a foundation for being genuine with others.

Authenticity with ourselves, which is easier said than done, forms the basis for genuine intimacy with others. We can’t enjoy deep and satisfying connections if we’re not being emotionally honest with ourselves.

Why is it so challenging to be authentic and congruent in our lives and relationships? What often hijacks us is unacknowledged shame.

In my psychotherapy practice over the past 40+ years, I’ve educated my clients about how shame is an unconscious driver of sabotaging behaviors. Becoming aware of the sneaky ways that shame shows up is often the first step toward living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Shame is that gnawing sense of being flawed, defective, and unworthy of love. It drives us to construct a self that we believe (or hope) will be acceptable to others. Being rejected, banished, and humiliated are among the most painful human experiences. We perpetuate our anxiety and exhaust ourselves as we scramble to figure out who we need to be to win acceptance and love. Rather than relax into our natural, authentic self, we twist ourselves into knots in order to belong and find that elusive safety we crave.

When our experience has convinced us that it’s not safe to be authentic, we labor to design and polish a self that we think will be acceptable. Some people might showcase their cleverness, beauty, or humor. For others, it might be amassing wealth or power—proving to the world how “successful” they’ve become. We might strive to be better than others in order to be loved.

Trying to be someone we’re not is exhausting and counterproductive to finding the love and intimacy we desire. We may have been so driven by shame to create a false self that we’ve lost touch with the goodness and beauty of who we really are.

Shame Stifles Authenticity

Shame erodes authenticity. If we hold the core belief that we’re flawed, then this mental/emotional construct colors what we present to the world. Shame conditions us to lose touch with the spontaneous, joyful child within us. Life becomes all too serious. We lose our sense of humor and lightheartedness. Internalizing the message that there’s no room to be authentic—to be a person with strengths and limitations—we move away from ourselves; we abandon ourselves. Our self-worth can only grow in a climate of affirming who we are, which includes honoring the full range of our feelings and validating our needs, wants, and foibles.

As we come to recognize when shame is operating and how it stifles our life energy, it begins to loosen its destructive grip. Gradually, we can honor and stand behind ourselves, regardless of how others might see us or judge us. We increasingly realize that we have no control over what others think about us, and we’re no longer so concerned about it. Holding ourselves with respect and dignity becomes increasingly ascendant — displacing our real or imagined thoughts about how we’re being perceived by others. We delight in the discovery of how freeing and empowering it is to be our authentic self.

The limitations of language make it difficult to talk about authenticity. The “authentic self” is really a misnomer. It implies that there is some ideal way of being and that we need to find this authentic self, as if it existed apart from our moment-to-moment experiences. If we cling to a construct in our mind about what it means to be our authentic self, we’re missing the point.

Being authentic is a verb, not a noun. It’s a process of noticing the ever-changing flow of experiencing inside us, apart from the contaminating influences of shame and our inner critic. We give ourselves permission to notice what we’re feeling, sensing, and thinking in this moment—and we’re willing to congruently show that when it feels “right” to do so.

Shame recedes by flashing the healing light of mindfulness upon it and working with it gently and skillfully. By recognizing that we have shame, but that we are not the shame, we can more freely enjoy the precious gift of being alive.