Two monologues do not make a dialogue. —Jeff Daly

One of the things that attracted me to the psychological first aid (PFA) model is that unlike psychotherapy, where listening is primary, PFA allows copious amounts of feedback—I get to talk more. I’ve developed a See It, Say It, Seal It model (see below) to address this issue with clients. While the model is simplicity itself, giving and receiving feedback is an art form that requires a deft approach.

I must confess that while I consider myself the Van Gogh of giving feedback, I realize that there are few words that can strike fear in the bravest of hearts more than the simple phrase, “Can we talk?” Reflexively, lumps form in throats, hands begin to sweat, and chests grow tight as minds reel in attempts to locate the error, faux pas, or screw-up that brought this about.

Why is this? Why do intelligent, rational, and mature adults get tongue-tied when giving feedback and tone deaf when receiving it? Why is something so crucial to healthy relationships so often the source of conflict, tension, and chest pains? Simply answered: because we’re not good at it.

Feedback, according to Webster’s Dictionary is, “helpful information or criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve a performance, product etc.” However, feedback is also defined as, “an annoying and unwanted sound.” Frequently, when someone hears the question, “Can I give you some feedback?” they are preparing for the latter experience—earplugs, please.

Like many human interactions, the primary cause of bad feedback is fear. The person charged with providing the information fears:

• The other person’s reaction.
• Damaging the relationship.
• Losing control of the discussion.
• Whether they, themselves, are overreacting.
• Hurting peoples’ feelings.
• Being seen as complaining, unhappy, negative.

On the receiving end, there is also fear—fear that what is coming is going to be negative and painful. Since fear has a way of shutting down both the signal sending and receiving functions of the brain, even the most causal feedback can be distorted into a critique of one’s very right to exist.

Fortunately, the key to a positive feedback exchange is not having to conquer our fears; that could take years of psychotherapy with a therapist who is going to offer, you guessed it, feedback. Improving the not-so-merry-go-round of giving and receiving feedback requires following a few basic rules. For the sender, these are:

• Remove the volatile emotions.
• Ensure privacy.
• Deliver in a timely fashion.
• Be clear on why you want to give this feedback to this person at this time.
• Explore other options.
• Be prepared though not scripted.
• Don’t beat around the bush.
• Use the feedback model outlined below.

For the receiver:

• Realize that your willingness to receive feedback is, itself, a plus.
• Understand that the sender might be more uncomfortable with the exchange than you.
• Ask for clarification.
• Watch your body language.
• Don’t agree if you don’t agree.
• Don’t answer questions that aren’t asked.
• Say “thank you” only if you really mean it.

The See It, Say It, Seal It model focuses on three steps to improve the chances that both sender and receiver leave the interaction feeling like something was accomplished. Broken down, it looks like this:

See It: Present the facts to the other person as you see them. Focus on the when, where, and how, and leave the why to the other person. Your job is not to get them to agree with you, it is to do your best to describe how you see things.

Say It: Make the point as to why this conversation is happening at this moment. Put energy into this to emphasize why this is important to you. Remember to give positive strokes and pats on the back while doing this.

Seal It: End the discussion with a wrap-up statement that reviews what was discussed and what the next steps will be. Ask for input on solutions and find common ground to agree on (if there is none, agree with the other person’s right to see things his or her way). Schedule a date and time for a check in.

Following these basic rules will not guarantee that you will never suffer from a communication breakdown, but it will decrease the anxiety factor, thereby allowing the logical part of the brain to play its crucial role in assuring that two monologues have given way to a true dialogue.