The dictionary definition of vulnerability is “capable of being wounded,” and “open to attack or damage.” For many of us, this feels like the opposite of having strength and courage. Modern research by Brene Brown proposes an alternate definition. This definition, backed by empirical studies, suggests that the process of being vulnerable is the combination of three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Uncertainty and risk are familiar, even commonplace, for many of us who experience trauma. It’s that third element—emotional exposure—that often feels uncomfortable. Before we decide to walk the path toward healing, most of us perceive that emotional exposure isn’t acceptable. This creates problems as we stockpile emotions and use old behaviors, thoughts, and patterns to avoid real connection.

Flying in the face of old definitions and myths around vulnerability is new evidence that vulnerability is actually an indicator of courage. In fact, you can’t show up authentically, connect deeply with others, or build effective relationships without experiencing uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure as part of the process. And the better you are at being vulnerable, the more possible it becomes to identify when you are struggling and to reach out for support. That takes courage.

Emotional Exposure Is Scary

Why is it so hard for us to expose ourselves emotionally? Fear and shame are often at the root of what prevents us from being vulnerable. When we let fear and shame drive, it can lead us to feel hardened, confused, and overwhelmed. This is especially true when those around us don’t place value on openness and true connection.

“The level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” –Brene Brown

Vulnerability Leads to Strength and Healing

It can be tough to trust the process of vulnerability and to seek out emotional connection, especially when that conflicts with our ideas of strength and courage. But connection is a fundamental human need. And connection, sharing, openness, and honesty, which are all connected to vulnerability, are skills worth mastering.

The only way to get there is through taking the risk of exposing ourselves and our emotions, even when it feels uncertain. Some of the uncertainty has to do with not knowing how to handle our own responses when we loosen the lid on our emotional stockpiles. We might also be uncertain about how others could react to our emotional disclosures. This is where the role of expert companions becomes key.

Post-traumatic growth research teaches us that expert companions are the people in our lives who listen deeply and reflect our journey back to us. They are ready to be vulnerable alongside us, and help us make sense of what has happened. And perhaps most important, they highlight our areas of courage and transformation.

When we walk alongside expert companions who meet us with trust and connection, we can share the shame we feel about our struggles and receive empathy in return. Empathy is a powerful healing elixir, and the more we receive it, the more we can release old patterns.

Expert companions aren’t just empathetic listeners, they hold us accountable for releasing shame and fear. They show up with new ideas and insights, and offer creative interpretations of our stories. This helps us mold our paths and our patterns so we can lead the lives we want to live. Ultimately, it builds long-lasting trust and connection, so we don’t have to struggle with the hard things in silence.