Friendships are, in many ways, built on reciprocity, and feeling as though a friendship is one-sided can be particularly irksome. The following question comes from a reader who is struggling to navigate a one-sided friendship when it comes to initiating contact:

I have been reading your articles about friendship. I have met someone online and we have been talking for some time (totally platonic).

It has been particularly draining because it seems one sided: I am always the initiator, and when I brought it up to them, they became defensive and unwilling to change. Overall, they are a decent friend and I would like to continue the friendship, but when I ask them to pull their weight they are unwilling.

I say “unwilling” because they mentioned that they have a phobia of interacting with people and I can sympathize with that. I tried to compromise; I told them I just want them to be a better friend by checking up or doing little things that contribute. I am definitely aware that I can be controlling, but their unwillingness really bothers me. I know that forcing someone to change is not a possibility, so I’m stuck with this and I am not sure how to navigate the friendship. Any advice?

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling drained by a friendship you’d ultimately like to keep.

Here's what I understood: You met someone online who is a decent friend to you; however, you feel bothered and drained because they do not initiate contact. I am assuming that when you initiate contact, you have a good relationship, which is why you’d like to keep the friendship:

First, satisfying friendships are based on reciprocity. While this does not necessarily mean that everything must be tit for tat—for instance, we wouldn’t expect a friend who is down on their luck financially to treat us to lunch if we’re in a much better position—we still want to feel as though there is fairness in our relationships.

This is what helps foster the 7 building blocks of healthy and happy relationships, which I've written about here. Understandably, when we’re giving significantly more than we’re receiving in a domain we care about—which, for you, may be initiating contact—we can grow to be resentful toward our friend and certainly, as you note, drained by the friendship. It’s difficult to feel valued if a friend isn’t “pulling their weight,” despite being able to.

Based on your note, you’ve already done what I would first suggest: You’ve had a conversation about your frustrations and your wishes for the future. However, my interpretation of your friend’s response differs from yours.

You note that your friend is “unwilling” to initiate contact. But if they do suffer from a diagnosable phobia—an anxiety disorder that can be medically debilitating—I would argue that your friend is not unwilling but rather unable—at least at the moment and without therapeutic intervention. If your stated wish of having your friend “check in” with you is a form of initiating contact that is part of their phobia, they may be unable to meet your needs.

The question is, then: Can you have a satisfying relationship without your need for reciprocal initiation met? Can you come to accept that your friend isn’t exercising an unwillingness but rather, due to a phobia, an inability, without feeling resentment or a build-up of angst? Do you have other ways of finding the relationship satisfying and reciprocal if you were to be the only one initiating contact first in perpetuity? Answering these questions will hopefully grant you the clarity you seek.

Second, friendships are evaluated by many things, one of them being enjoyment. You note that you can be controlling; being on the receiving end of that doesn’t make for a particularly satisfying or joyful relationship. It’s good to have expectations and wishes in a relationship and to voice what those are. Yet this is different from making demands and trying to control another person’s actions, which forces the relationship to have an imbalance of power.

Without knowing more, it sounds as though you’ve reflected on this and recognize that forcing someone to change is impossible (and not healthy for either person). If this is still bothersome or impacting your relationships, I invite you to reflect further on why you seek control, or speak to a therapist who can help you explore these themes further.

I hope this helps you think through what would create a satisfying friendship for you. Wishing you satisfying relationships ahead.