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What I have learned from my years of doing therapy, and from my years on this earth, is that connection is essential in experiencing a sense of well-being. This is true whether you seek pleasure, or meaning and fulfillment. On an individual level, it is at the very core of healthy self-acceptance and self-love. It heals our broken hearts…and our ailing bodies. On a community level, it unites family and friends. More broadly, it joins people with their communities and the world around them. On a spiritual level, it is central to religion, as people search for a sense of God in their lives. Connection is at the heart—or maybe is the heart—of all that is worthwhile.

Connection Defined

So, what do I mean by connection? It is the linking together of people with other people, things, or ideas. Deciding to connect isn’t a choice that we make in a particular moment, like deciding one afternoon to head out to our favorite place for an ice cream cone. Rather, the need to connect is wired into our functioning, our very being. (And though I really like ice cream, even I have to admit that it is not essential to life.) While we are certainly compelled to connect with other people, we also connect with nature and art and ideas. To learn more about the experience of connection, watch this brief video, Happiness and Well-Being: It’s All About Connecting:

Although we generally think that we have a single self, even our inner world is all about relating and connecting. You constantly have multiple experiences and engage in self-talk. Sadly, it is all-too-often centered around self-criticism, as in, What the hell were you thinking? You are such an idiot! We also have emotional reactions to our emotions—a kind of emotion-to-emotion self-talk. For example, we might be excited by a novel idea and then fear it will make us look foolish in the eyes of others. This often gives way to being angry with ourselves for not having the courage to take a chance on it. If only I had actually manufactured hands-free shoes when I thought of it, I would have made a fortune from being the first one to do it!!

Hardwired for Connection

A well-researched concept called attachment theory is based on the idea that people are wired to connect to other people as a part of our drive to survive. Physical survival as a species requires that we band together in groups—that we be able to connect with others in a mutually beneficial way. And this connection begins in infancy. Caregivers—when all goes right—help to keep us safe physically, as well as to help us feel emotionally safe. This becomes—over the course of a healthy childhood—the basis for us feeling emotionally strong, developing healthy relationships, and being able to live up to our potential.

Having a caring relationship with ourselves, family, friends, and the world around us sets us up to succeed and thrive. This does not mean having a Pollyanna take on everything. When people act in unethical, immoral, or just not-OK ways, it is important to step up to the challenge. Say no, set boundaries, and protect yourself and your loved ones. Also, the ability to maintain your equanimity in the face of feeling threatened or to return to it relatively quickly is essential for a sense of well-being.

Create Connection for a Happier You

When you are struggling emotionally, connection is needed to return to a sense of peace. The connection, however, must be one that is calming. This creates the opportunity to rebound—to be resilient. Like ice cream (clearly, I need to get myself a bowl), different “flavors” of connection appeal to different people and can be more or less appealing at different times. People often find connection and a sense of well-being by talking with a friend, working out, taking a hot bath, praying, singing, cooking a favorite meal, or reflecting on positive experiences.

How do you connect, calm, and attain a sense of well-being? (This is a real question. Pause and consider what works for you. The possibilities are infinite.) The more you practice connecting, the more fully you can achieve it and the more absorbing it can become. This is especially important when you feel upset. By connecting strongly with someone or something, you can regain a sense of well-being, effectively becoming resilient through life’s many challenges.