One of the biggest questions swirling around Donald Trump’s reelection campaign – aside from “Will he or won’t he be a convicted felon?” and “Are we really doing this again, people?” – is a tricky one: Who will be the former president and current criminal defendant’s vice presidential candidate?

That anyone would consider applying for the job is remarkable. It’s like asking for volunteers to report for sticking-your-finger-in-a-light-socket duty. The position of Trump’s vice president brings with it the kind of job safety only found among nervous snake handlers and crash-test dummies.

And yet, people are actually vying for the gig. A pack of them descended on South Florida this weekend to debase themselves before a twice-impeached former one-term president who demands absolute loyalty while dispensing none.

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A parade of hapless souls are actually hoping to be Trump's VP pick

Among the reported contenders are billionaire North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, New York Rep. Elise Stefanik, former GOP presidential candidate Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina and Sen. J.D. Vance of Ohio.

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio – who once called Trump a “con artist” and said that “he has spent his entire career sticking it to the little guy” – was there as well, presumably traveling in his hermetically sealed Bubble of Hypocrisy.

Also in contention for the VP slot, I assume, is a full-length mirror that tells Trump how handsome he is every time he gazes into it and a golden box that emits a recorded message – “You’re absolutely right, sir!” – whenever a button on top of it is pressed.

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But wait. Where's Mike Pence in all this VP talk?

Notably absent from the Cynical South Florida Keister Smooch Fest of 2024 was former actual Vice President Mike Pence, who had the audacity to not help Trump do a coup and is now persona non grata in the MAGA wing of the GOP. That a former president’s own vice president won’t even endorse his current presidential run is a staggering fact that’s often overlooked, probably because that former president is already drowning in dozens of indictments and keeps falling asleep during his first criminal trial.

But I digress.

Just trust Trump. When has he ever made a bad decision?

Whatever Trump took away from this weekend’s parade of potential victims, the timing of his decision is anybody’s guess.

Newt Gingrich, who swapped his spine for a MAGA hat some time ago, told USA TODAY: “I’m relaxing and watching to see what (Trump) does; he will only do it out of intuition.”

Ah, yes. That famous Trump intuition. The one that led to repeated bankruptcies and business failures and a failed reelection bid and a small army of former Cabinet members whom he hired and now describes as a collection of ninnies and jerks.

Rather than posit which sucker Trump will wind up picking (although my money’s on the compliment-dispensing mirror), it seems easier to map out the requirements for the position of Trump’s vice presidential candidate.

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7 requirements to be Trump's vice president

1. All candidates’ souls must have fully vacated their bodies, along with all dignity, morals and sense of self-worth.

2. The ability to always agree with Trump is essential. If Trump says “2+2 = 5,” the candidates must be willing to accept that as fact and order the imprisonment of any and all math teachers who disagree.

3. Logical consistency is not considered an asset, and the candidates must be ready and willing to loudly yell things that are transparently false and, often, make no sense whatsoever.

4. An ideal candidate must be comfortable with potentially being hanged by an angry mob.

5. Candidates who have not murdered dogs are preferred. (Sorry, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem.)

6. The candidates must be willing to listen to Donald Trump Jr.’s podcast and engage in at least one conversation per month with Eric Trump without laughing.

7. And finally, all candidates must be not only willing but excited to have every ounce of their decency and credibility vaporized in service to a man who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire.

Any of the morally pliable folks who pandered their way to South Florida this weekend have a chance at getting picked. But like I said, if we’re being honest, the full-length mirror is a clear front-runner.

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