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As a therapist, most of my day is spent helping clients solve a problem: With their emotions—anxiety or depression—with their relationships—their boss, partner, kids. What I’m always most curious about is not the problem itself but where they are getting stuck solving it on their own. Different schools of therapy each have their approaches and solutions: Psychodynamic approaches may focus on unraveling the past and its wounds, while cognitive-behavioral will focus on how what you think and do affects your emotions. But we can also think about the problem-solving process on a more everyday level. Here, in my experience, are the four most common ways clients get stuck solving their problems and their antidotes:

1: You don’t have the skills to do what you want to do

In his seminal book, The Teaching and Learning of Psychotherapy, the psychiatrist Rudolf Ekstein said that all problems could be broken down into two camps: Learning problems and problems about learning. Learning problems are problems caused by a lack of skill. You never diapered a baby, written a resume, or mowed a lawn. Once someone shows you how to do it, you then practice, develop the skill, and the problem is solved.

But many common behavioral and relationship problems that we often associate with personality entail learning new skills—how to destress, control your temper or drinking, eat healthily, or even communicate effectively and compromise, manage conflict or anxiety; the list goes on.

Antidote: You need information, training, practice, and support. Watch a YouTube video, take a class, hire a teacher, join a support group, and or get therapy.

2: You get emotionally triggered

This is Ekstein’s second category: Problems about learning. Here you have a baseline of skills—for example, you know how to be a good parent—but under particular stressful situations, or when certain situations trigger you, these skills go out the window—my teenage daughter gives that pouty defiant look with her hands on her hips, and I go crazy. We all do this based on wounds from our past: Your boss doesn’t say good morning to you, and you think she’s angry with you; your partner doesn’t return your phone call, and you assume something terrible has happened to him; you're angry with your partner but rather than speaking up, you shut down and sweep it under the rug. For some, the triggers are very specific, the teenage daughter’s look, but for many, they're more generalized—it's not just your partner you avoid confronting, but you're anxious about any sign of a potential conflict and go out of your way to avoid it.

Antidote: When emotions hijack the brain, that rational brain shuts down; we literally can’t think straight, go down rabbit holes of irrational fears, or our anger goes zero to 60. The antidote is in two parts: Part one is first aid—realizing we are getting upset and having tools to calm ourselves down—going for a walk, deep breathing, writing down how we feel, and or talking to a friend.

Part two is taking action to solve the problem: Having a non-emotional conversation with the daughter about arguments, anger, or attitude; taking baby steps towards talking to your partner so you can become more comfortable with confrontation rather than continuing to avoid it; stepping away from those little-kid feelings of being in trouble and stepping up and being the adult that you are.

3: You're afraid of making a wrong decision

You don’t solve the problem because you are not decisive, and you’re not decisive because you constantly are fretting about making the right decision. Often, this is more complicated than it needs to be: You have to figure out what you should do versus what you want to do; then you need to figure out how others may react and what will make them happy—a tall order. This fear of making a mistake can be paralyzing for many; often, they are highly self-critical or perfectionistic.

Antidote: This too is rooted in anxiety, the notion that bad choices invariably lead to terrible consequences that can’t be repaired. Like feeling overwhelmed, this is usually tied to wounds from the past, and like most anxiety-based situations, the antidote to moving forward despite how you feel. Because anxiety makes everything feel important, you want to learn to prioritize your decisions—what to eat for lunch does not require the same caution as deciding what house to buy or college to attend; rather than obsessing and overthinking, you want to take acceptable risks—making decisions that seem a bit impulsive—to find out that what your anxious brain is telling you will happen, doesn’t. And even if you decide in hindsight that you made a mistake, realize that few mistakes in life can’t be repaired.

4: You’re holding onto your story

I’m a loser; I don’t deserve to be happy; others can’t be trusted; men are self-centered; I need to constantly look around corners or bad things will sneak up on me.

The story we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world limits our ability to deal with the world and its problems. If you believe you’re a loser or don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t try and take what you get; if others can’t be trusted, you don’t get close to anyone; if you have to be hypervigilant and always look around corners, you’re constantly anxious, living in the future rather than the present. Problems aren’t solved because your range of options and ability to think creatively are limited.

Antidote: The story is exactly that, a story, a fiction that someone helped to plant within you. It is like old software in a computer that no longer works. Time to upgrade, change the story, or act despite it to again find out what you think is true is not.

One way of viewing problems is that they tell us what we need to learn. Where do you get stuck solving your problems? What skills do you need to develop? What risks do you need to learn to take?