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Let’s consider a couple, Jesse and Sarah, who have been together for 2 years. While they generally communicate well, Sarah gets frustrated when Jesse jumps in to find solutions to her problems. She notes that it’s upsetting when he jumps right to the solution without fully listening to the problem. Additionally, she shares that Jesse often creates a solution based on his perception of the issue and uses one of his problem-solving approaches, which doesn’t always resonate with her. When he does this, she will usually say, “Forget this,” and walk away annoyed. Jesse doesn’t understand what the problem is because he feels that he is helping his partner by tackling (or attempting to tackle) the problems for her. When she walks away, he gets upset, as he feels as if she is shutting him out. What started out as an attempt to find a solution often leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

In this exchange, it is important to realize that two wonderful things occurred. First, Sarah and Jesse have open communication and share their problems with one another. This shows that they trust and feel comfortable talking to one another. Second, Jesse demonstrated that he wants to help Sarah. While his solution attempts don’t work for Sarah, we know that he is interested in assisting her because he cares. Jesse may have appreciated a solution attempt from Sarah if the situation were reversed. Sarah, on the other hand, just wants to be heard. Either way, we know that there is love between them. Below are two important considerations for how to improve the situation.

Meta-Communication

When speaking with someone, it is important to consider what our words actually communicate. For example, if we say, “Thank you so much” and roll our eyes, we may not be expressing gratitude but may be displaying a sarcastic response. In the example with Jesse and Sarah above, it is a little bit more subtle. Jesse’s attempt to find a solution may be communicating to Sarah that the problem can easily be handled. First, this may minimize the problem. Second, it doesn’t allow Sarah to express her frustration with the situation. Third, it assumes that Jesse has the full context of the situation (whatever it is) in order to come up with an appropriate solution. Now, of course, Jesse doesn’t intend to offend Sarah. Quite the opposite; he is attempting to help her. However, he should actively listen to her and empathize with her.

Validation

The terms affirmation and validation are often used interchangeably, but they don't mean the same thing. Validation involves accepting a person’s feelings, thoughts, or beliefs even if you don’t agree with them. Researchers Chad Shenk and Alan Fruzzetti (2011) note that validation does not attempt to alter a person’s experience but just accepts it as is. Therefore, by validating a person, you are expressing that their experience, thought, or feeling is legitimate. While Jesse may come up with a quick and easy way for Sarah to ask her boss for a deadline extension (if that’s the issue), she may want to know that Jesse hears and understands her frustration with the situation. He doesn’t need to agree that the situation is frustrating, and, in fact, if it were him, he may not be affected in the same way. However, she wants Jesse to acknowledge her feelings. By creating a solution, Jesse has skipped that step entirely.

Even with the best intentions, what you communicate may not be interpreted by others in the way you intended. Therefore, if your partner is expressing frustration with your solutions, it is important to understand the reason for their frustration and find a better way to engage in conversation about these issues with them.