Ambivalence: that frustrating and all-too-common experience of being “on the fence” about making some sort of change.

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• “I need to cut back on coffee [or sugar, or alcohol, or fill-in-the-blank], but it’s so hard and I’ve always gone back to it.”
• “I should start exercising, but it’s tough to find the time.”
• "I know I’d feel more rested if I went to bed earlier, but those couple hours at night are the only time I have to myself.”

This kind of internal seesawing is common when it comes to behavioral change. It’s a natural and predictable part of the change process. Yet how often do we regard ambivalence as some sort of interloper, an unwanted and unexpected roadblock on the path to a better life?

The Hazards of Misattributing Ambivalence

If we lack understanding about the roots of our uncertainty, our ability to effectively resolve it becomes limited. Furthermore, without a clear understanding of the underlying reasons for ambivalence, we risk resorting to harmful labels that may conveniently but inaccurately account for our inaction and that of others. “I must be lazy.” “I have no self-discipline.” “She’s in denial.”

The Real Roots of Ambivalence

A helpful lens through which to better understand the roots of indecisiveness comes from a research-based therapy approach called motivational interviewing. Motivational interviewing has been successfully applied to reduce uncertainty and increase motivation for a range of behavioral changes, from alcohol and other substance use to lifestyle behavior change and medical adherence, among others.

From a motivational interviewing perspective, the two roots of ambivalence are low importance and low confidence in making a change. If we don’t feel strongly that it’s important to make a change or we lack confidence in being able to take the necessary steps, chances are very high that we will waver on how to move forward. (Conversely, if we feel that a change is essential and we feel confident in being able to do it, we will likely enjoy a high degree of motivation to make the change.)

But don’t take my word for it, check it out yourself. Think about a behavior you’ve been on the fence about changing. Perhaps eating less junk food, increasing exercise, losing weight, drinking less, reducing screen time, meditating more, starting therapy, or going back to school, among many others.

Got something? Good. Now ask yourself the following:

• Do I sometimes find myself doubting how important it is to make this change?
• Are there downsides or unappealing aspects of making this change?
• Are there things I like about staying the same?
• Is it difficult to prioritize this change given competing demands, like limited time, money, or energy?
• Do I have some doubt about whether I’ll be able to make or sustain this change?
• Do I feel hesitant to make the change because I tried in the past and was unsuccessful?

If your answer to any of the first three questions was yes, you may be low on a sense of importance. And if your answer to any of the latter three questions was yes, then you may be low in the confidence department.

The ubiquity of ambivalence in the face of change is a reality of normal human experience. It’s true for us, and it’s true for others; our family members and friends, and those we encounter and serve in our professional lives. Acknowledging this fact is the first step in dissolving counterproductive judgments and labels so that we can more clearly see and skillfully address the root causes of ambivalence.