For the perfectionist, envy is often pathological.

Sometimes, we view the world through a distorted lens, providing us with a semblance of truth, which helps sustain a delusion. We aren't great fact-checkers, and what seems to be true is often accepted as is. Therefore, many of our perfectionistic patients struggle with envy. It isn't so much that they want what others have but, more so, their imagined lives. Here, envy becomes pathological for three reasons: 1) It takes up a significant amount of mental space. 2) It contributes to depressive symptoms. 3) It's based on delusional thinking, which is, by definition, resistant to conflicting evidence.

 

The payoff seems to be (i.e., why these beliefs and feelings are stubborn) a sense of eternal optimism, which is of course juxtaposed with an almost unlimited sense of dread and despondency. Thus, effort, entitlement, envy, and inspiration are mixed and made into a brew of emotional instability. And, like clockwork, each failure is internalized, inevitably forming the wellspring of frenzied activity. The perfectionist, in what some may consider the height of existence, feels all of the feelings. At once, she's hopeful that she may soon be accepted into an exclusive network, sad that she can't seem to compare favorably to those already in it, scared that she'll never be like them, and angry because she believes she already is.

These individuals struggle to live in a world where everything is more or less equal, angrily challenging the proposal that it may make them feel happier. Yet, their need to feel special (and, thus, escape the existential harshness of reality) and the illusions of fame constitute a type of prison, fueled, in part, by our favorite social media giants. They frequently ask, "Then, what else is there?"

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Examining Cognitive Distortions

Leaving aside the contributions of social media platforms and influencers, which can be read about elsewhere, it may be helpful to consider our own cognitive distortions before attempting to answer that question. In this respect, black-and-white thinking, considering the world in a binary manner, divided between winners and losers, is the mental foundation upon which our beliefs about it (and our lives) are based. Those whom we envy, based on limited information, appear to have great lives, and those whom we devalue, again based on limited information, have terrible ones. And we continue to build on that foundation, searching for reasons to sustain our idealizations and doing the same for the inverse process, while exaggerating the good and bad in each, respectively.

Patients are quick to list reasons why their lives are terrible, contrasting them with those of celebrities. They compare their negatives to another's positives. So, we ask them to think deeply and consider not just the drawbacks but also the mundaneness of fame. How many of their idols are still deeply unhappy? How many of them are divorced, sick, or became unemployed? Were they so special that they overcame the existential givens of life? Was their sense of purpose, ultimately, lifesaving? And, more personally, do you have any talents that someone more famous may lack, or did you disqualify them? In the song "Sequel," the great Harry Chapin sings,

She said, "I've heard you flying high on my radio"
I answered "It's not all it seems"
That's when she laughed and she said, "It's better sometimes
When we don't get to touch our dreams"

Yet, for perfectionists, it may be worse. While optimism may be good in spurts, it easily spoils when fantasies and comparisons are mistaken for reality, when we sharply divide our lives into the categories of good and bad.

Considering the Reality

When patients ask, "What else is there?" I respond, think about what some of your idols may have found joy in after disillusionment. Did the ordinary now seem more appealing? Did they regret chasing a life that wasn't existentially possible? Is the gap between your lives so wide that you can't be happy? Man often seems to painstakingly make art to gain entry into the tribe that neglected him. And, while his suffering may indirectly make the rest of us happy, the ultimate end—entry into that tribe—may, unexpectedly, further his decline. Although therapists don't offer advice on which paths to take, we help our patients seriously, and more realistically, consider their options. Some falsely believe they need to cling to their fantasies to pursue better lives, but it's possible to balance reality with hope, which can be enjoyed for its own sake. (In reality, our reward system transmits more dopamine when we merely expect a reward.) And acknowledging reality by discontinuing to place oneself at its center opens the window to let in the warm air of gratitude when spontaneously placed in it by others.

With that said, it's important to note that this is all just a part of the work, which entails addressing the shame underlying envy, which, just like the latter, is often exaggerated. Much of the past may be revisited.