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In therapy, I often encounter people who believe that relationships cannot change, particularly those not going how they hoped. They are stuck in a pattern they can’t break out of. I agree that some patterns are complicated to change. But even if you are “stuck” in the same fight on repeat, you can improve the relationship if one or both of you find a way to make a small change in the part you play in the interactional pattern and learn to sustain that change across time.

A negative interactional cycle is a reciprocal process—for example, your mother makes an insensitive comment, you react by yelling at her, she reacts to your reaction by getting defensive, and you go around in circles, emotionally reacting to each other.

When an interaction gets tense, we tend to focus on the other person: “Our relationship is in trouble because they do this or are that way.” However, if you can change your part in the interaction and sustain that change, the other person has no choice but to respond differently. Two people cannot stay in the same dance if one person changes their moves.

If you have a complicated relationship with someone, you have experienced a negative cycle. Negative cycles often get people stuck in a space that can feel difficult to repair. One of the most successful ways to learn from and change the negative cycle is to look at your part. What are you doing that contributes to the negative interactions?

You can use the following steps to understand your part of a negative cycle:

1. Identify What Is Triggering You.

Think about what started your role in this instance of the negative cycle—what was the event that triggered you? Was it when your partner ignored you? When your dad got defensive about something you said? Paying close attention to what drew you into the negative cycle is essential for understanding your part. What did you see or hear that led to your reaction?

2. Name Your Physiological Response.

Like any external stimulus, the trigger that starts the negative cycle in your mind impacts your body. What did you notice in your body after you experienced the trigger? Maybe your heart started to race, or your stomach tightened up.

Your body sends the first signal that your brain perceives a threat. When you can identify your physiological response before you become reactive, it takes away its power, and you will be better able to manage yourself and evaluate whether the threat you currently perceive is an immediate danger or an automatic response to trauma that occurred in the past.

3. Label Your Emotions.

When the trigger occurred, what emotions did you experience? Were you angry, embarrassed, sad, or scared? You may have felt many emotions at once, even feelings that seemed to conflict with each other. Naming your emotions has the power to diffuse their intensity. It will also allow you to describe your feelings to others so they can more accurately understand how they impacted you.

4. Notice Your Meaning-Making.

Only some people respond similarly to a word, facial expression, or behavior. What you do in response to a specific stimulus is determined by how you uniquely feel about it—what it means to you.

Examples of meaning-making:

• When you made that face, I thought you thought I was stupid.
• I felt rejected when you said no to being intimate with me.

Creating meaning from a trigger happens quickly because this is part of the brain’s survival mechanism. Our brain perceives the trigger and instantly reminds us; this feels like that other time when I was hurt.

This is when it’s essential to slow down and become aware of your assumptions about the situation. While it feels instinctual to try to interpret the words or behaviors of others, making meaning is making assumptions—and assumptions can be based on our insecurities. Noticing your meaning-making helps you recognize that your interpretation of another person’s behavior and their intentions may differ.

5. Connect Your Reaction to Your Behavior.

We adopt specific strategies to cope with our feelings to keep ourselves “safe” from perceived threats. Understanding what protective actions you take when you feel uncomfortable is crucial to slowing down the negative cycle. For example, you might realize that you get defensive when you feel rejected, while your loved one might recognize that they jump to problem-solving when they fear not being enough for you. Connecting your actions with your inner world can help you learn to name what is happening for you in a moment of conflict rather than simply reacting out of self-protection.

6. Express Your Thoughts.

As you learn to notice the warning signs of the negative cycle, you can start conquering the negative cycle by talking about what is happening. First, you can tell the other person about your trigger, bodily response, emotions, meaning-making, and behavioral reaction. To avoid getting sucked into a negative cycle, share this information about yourself in a nondefensive way that doesn’t cast blame or shame.

• Sharing defensively: “I shut down when I get upset, but everyone does that.”
• Sharing in a blaming way: “I shut down because you started yelling at me. We wouldn’t have this problem if you learned to speak better.”
• Sharing in a shaming way: “I am the worst because I shut down when upset. I can’t deal with anything. You must think I’m a baby.”
• Sharing positively: “When I heard you yelling, my body froze. I felt scared that I had disappointed you. It reminded me of how growing up, I used to get in trouble when I didn’t live up to my dad’s expectations. It made me want to shut down and hide because that’s what I had to do to not get yelled at anymore.”

Surprisingly, one reason why negative cycles occur is because of our desire to feel a connection. When we try to connect in ways others don’t understand, it is easy to retreat into the behavior that sparks the negative cycle. Understanding and communicating why you do what you do is necessary to stop the negative cycle and build the connection you desire.