In a couple who came in for counseling, she was the victim of a previous abusive relationship and he had just been released from jail for wife-beating. I strongly suggested that when they left my counseling office, she go one way and he another.. Unless each of them began what might be lengthy personal counseling, a relationship between them was an accident ready to happen!

Details of what constitutes a good relationship will vary (one wants a traveling companion and another enjoys a comfy home life), but the basics are there for all: You feel loved, appreciated, and heard when you speak.

Yes, everyone has a different love language. Some people want little presents and others respond to being told every day that they are loved, but however it is communicated, each individual must feel loved.

Feeling appreciated can take many forms: Being verbally acknowledged and praised for your talents would be an obvious one. Your partner letting you know why s/he loves you would be another. How ever it is communicated, the effect must be that you feel appreciated.

Being heard is more difficult to explain and is highly individual, yet it is a frequent complaint I have heard in couples counseling. It has nothing to do with physical hearing. Sometimes a person will complain that his or her partner doesn’t “get” him or her, doesn't understand him or her. That’s not being heard.

It may mean that one person is not communicating clearly. It may mean that one partner is not paying attention or is not attuned to more subtle communications. Being heard is highly individual in its details but, in general, it means feeling acknowledged as an individual. It’s one of those things that you know when you are or aren’t, without further explanation.

An individual may have very specific wants for a good relationship beyond being loved, appreciated, and heard. Many times they are based on what was missing in a previous relationship. If you wanted to travel and a previous partner was a stay-at-home, liking to travel or wanting to travel will be a necessity for a good relationship this time around. What you want this time will be obvious, based on what you felt was missing in your last relationship, but it will still be on the same list of basics along with feeling loved, appreciated, and heard.

If you are currently in a relationship, check it for the criteria of feeling loved, appreciated, and heard. You will know whether you are in a good relationship or whether there are areas that need some work.

A relationship needing work can often be adjusted to become a good relationship. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.