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Struggling to make a decision can feel frustrating and even debilitating, especially when there is a time limit. First, it is important to understand that the causes of decision stress are multifaceted and can be exacerbated by external stressors, perfectionism, feedback from others, and having too many choices. As my old professor would have the class repeat like a sacred chant throughout the semester, “No human behavior is motivated by one single factor.” So, let’s break down some of the influences of decision stress so you can break free from it and move forward with a more decisive mind.

Stress is ubiquitous and sometimes presents higher peaks than valleys. It is worth noting, for example, that the American Psychological Association reported all adults had difficulty making basic decisions during the pandemic. Moreover, the APA found that a higher percentage of Millennials reported decision stress. This is interesting in light of findings by Lim et al. (2022) that social anxiety increased among people age 25 and younger after pandemic restrictions eased. Thus, age and developmental factors also appear to play a role in stress adaptation and stress may be experienced and reported in different ways.

Regardless of the cause, the brain under excess stress is like a boiling teapot. Once the water moves from cold to hot and activates that loud whistle, the internal nervous system shifts to the sympathetic nervous system (the fight-flight-or-freeze response) and reduces activity to the digestive system and moves the energy to the extremities to enable one to flee a predator or fight or hide. The frontal lobe is not running the show at this point which is why delaying gratification or making a simple decision can be taxing. This is why taking long deep breaths and getting oneself back in the moment by focusing on something in the immediate environment and reassuring oneself with positive self-talk can be powerful.

As long as you are not under a real threat by a predator in the moment, the simple act of soothing reassurance can move you back into your parasympathetic nervous system and your frontal lobe. A powerful action that I learned and love is to cross your hands over your heart and say, “I am safe in this moment. In this moment I am safe.” I love this act so much because it does more than move you back into your parasympathetic nervous system; it actually provides your heart with the same benefits as a real hug—which is essential to our well-being. Virginia Satir, the mother of family therapy, said that we need at least four hugs a day for mere survival—and a dozen or more per day to thrive. Add in John Gottman’s prescription that hugs need to last for at least 6 seconds and the safe affirmation (“I am safe in this moment. In this moment I am safe.”) has you more than covered.

What about all those other influences that can cause indecision? Perfectionism can cause just as much debilitating stress as external crises. So can having too many choices or following advice from other people that is counter to one’s identity. Then there is the learned experience from the feeling of regret that can occur after making a choice. For instance, think about a time you went to a restaurant and ordered a meal and then spotted a different entrée and wished you had ordered that instead. There is a German word that captures that specific feeling: futterneid. While researchers have found that different areas of the brain get activated when experiencing regret versus disappointment (Giorgetta et al., 2013), other researchers have found decreased activity in the inferior parietal lobe during meditation (Zhang & Li, 2014). My research on sacred healing has echoed similar findings: People found peace, healing, and even their purpose through meditation and tended to have a much easier time making everyday decisions.

I’m not saying you will never feel decision stress or futterneid again, yet you can help curb the tide of decision stress with these loving self-care actions.