A gray divorce couples' divorce ritual in the park.

Source: Dall.e/OpenAI

Couples going through gray divorce, their families, and community members can all benefit from divorce rituals.

Gray divorce refers to divorce that occurs among couples 50 years of age and older. It is rapidly becoming more common in the U.S. and abroad. Since 1990, the divorce rate of this group has doubled, and researchers predict it will increase by another third by 2030.

A widespread cultural myth posits that since the children of these divorcing couples are typically adults, they won't be affected much by their parents' divorce. The voices of these adult children poignantly tell a different story.

I (Carol Hughes) spoke with Dr. Monza Naff, the author of Must We Say We Did Not Love? The Need for Divorce Rituals in our Time, about why divorce rituals are crucial for families of gray divorce. Our conversation is below.

Monza Naff: I was a 19-year-old sophomore in college and came home from class to find a note on the kitchen table. "I've gone to think things out. Mama." Her clothes were all gone from her closet. At that moment, I knew I would not be moving into the dorm. I would be staying at home to take care of my dad and sister, who was only 13.

We didn't hear from Mama for almost a month. She wrote my sister and me a short note saying she was divorcing Dad. She didn't ask how we were doing or give a return address or phone number. She asked us to try to understand.

Occasionally, family members and friends asked how we were holding up, although no one asked if we needed help. My sister and I felt abandoned, left to heal individually and together from this sudden-as-a-stroke death of family as we had known it all our lives. It seemed no one understood how deeply it would have helped us to talk about the divorce and ritualize our losses, hopes, regrets, and intentions.

Carol Hughes: What do you mean by "ritualize our losses, hopes, regrets, and intentions"?

MN: Our culture often provides those who are divorcing or ending committed relationships nothing to mark and aid the transition at the end of the commitment except embarrassment, shame, silence, pointed or indirect reproaches, active criticism, anger, despair, spoken or unspoken bitterness, and sadness.

The ritual of affirming vows before witnesses in a wedding ceremony deepens the commitment of those getting married and marks a personal, communal passage. Yet I know of no culture or spiritual community with a comparable, consistently practiced ritual for divorce. Traditions like funerals and wakes are rituals for those experiencing the pain and loss that ensues from death, and graduation and birth ceremonies are celebratory rituals for communal passages.

CH: Who participates in divorce rituals?

MN: Individuals, couples, friends, family, and community members, can participate in divorce rituals. There isn't a one-size-fits-all. One person can perform a divorce ritual without their former partner. Or divorce rituals include the couple, the nuclear family that includes the children, the extended family, and the couple’s entire community in combination that feels right to them.

CH: What does it look like for divorcing couples who want to do it together?

MN: When couples participate in divorce rituals, it allows them to show each other the same respect and kindness they showed each other at the beginning of their relationship. They can share with each other, their family members, and community support system members what was positive and what they are proud of in their marriage.

They can talk about their hopes, losses, and regrets, and how they handled and grew through them. They can share their intentions for moving forward, like being amicable and still focusing on family and wanting their family and community members to remain amicable so no one loses relationships that matter. Family and community support system members can also validate what they witnessed the couple creating in their marriage and family.

CH: What are the essential components of the divorce ritual process you developed that aids couples who are ending their long-held commitments to each other?

MN:

1. Selecting a space for the ritual or ceremony that has special meaning,
2. Intentionally planning what we want to say and do in a time set apart just for that.
3. Making clear commitments that are set in a context of respect for ourselves and others.
4. Using meaningful words and special objects to symbolize our commitments.

The above components of ritual create a process that can engage a person’s body, mind, spirit, and actions in ways that have great power. In my work, I have seen the divorce ritual has heart, so much heart that it heals when nothing else can. My heart was healed when I showed my book to my father, after it was published. He said, 'I wish our family had this guide many years ago.' "

CH: Your work is a treasure trove of ideas and tools for the varieties of families that exist, including divorcing step- and blended families.

Interested readers can find videos of divorce ritual ceremonies on YouTube. I hope you find beneficial divorce rituals that can facilitate closure and healing for everyone involved.

Copyright 2023 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Adapted with permission from Must We Say We Did Not Love: The Need for Divorce Rituals in Our Time and Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce.