Megan described how suddenly her emotional “self-sabotage” can flip her mood when she said, “I was feeling proud of how far I’ve come in therapy, and then I immediately felt an overwhelm of depression and self-doubt.” Jordan shared, “I was feeling really good about how I’m a different kind of father to my kids, and, then BOOM, I was in the pits and spiraling down.”

This emotional dive from feeling good to feeling down is a two-step dance that can happen in milliseconds. It’s as though in one moment there’s a feeling of healthy pride. In the next moment, that pride is entangled in a death roll with dark thoughts or feelings of self-loathing, self-doubt, or of being fundamentally undeserving of good things.

Emotional “self-sabotage,” or working against our own healthy interest, is one dynamic many of my clients eventually have to tackle. It might be outward self-sabotaging behavior like being repeatedly late for work and getting written up, or maybe constantly “forgetting” to pay a bill, and getting the power shut off. What is more subtle, and more difficult to grab ahold of, is the emotional “self-sabotage” that comes with the seemingly benign experience of just “feeling good.” Generally, what we think of as a normal desire to feel good about ourselves, our efforts, or our circumstances became contaminated somewhere in childhood. And, feeling good or happy came to be understood as bad, maybe even dangerous.

The origin story of this dynamic is often derived from a childhood experience of some sort of relational trauma. This may include complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) or narcissistic, physical, or emotional abuse and/or neglect. In this childhood, any personal agency, any pride in one’s accomplishment, any overcoming or persevering to succeed, and especially any asserting oneself was taken by the parent(s) as a challenge to their dominance and then followed by punishment, derision, and/or co-option for the parents’ aggrandizement. The child had to make an unholy choice. If she claimed herself, her agency, and her healthy pride, she risked punishment and alienation from the parents she depended on for survival. In this scenario, she learned that feeling good about herself put her at risk. Feeling good was bad.

Healing self-compassion

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Rather than looking at a person’s default to “feeling bad” as “self-sabotage,” I encourage people to compassionately see it as one of many inner parts they embody. Often in this particular CPTSD dynamic, there are two inner aspects of ourselves in conflict with each other: The first is a young part whose birthright was the healthy human desire to be seen and understood. The second is a protective part that helped her adapt to her environment to survive. To do this she learned early on that it was dangerous to desire to be seen or understood in an environment that worked in every way to thwart normal human growth. This part of her understood that psychic survival was minimally assured by staying small, unseen, and emotionally self-sufficient. So, what better way to blunt positive feelings that would make you dangerously “seen” than by shutting them down yourself first internally? And, what better than with feelings and thoughts that would ensure you’re quiet, like shame, self-abnegation, and negative self-talk?

If you find yourself in this struggle, what can you do? If the idea of these two child parts resonates with you, you can start by imagining them as children. One part was free and happy and full of pride; the other part was frightened of what came after those good feelings—being punished, humiliated, or objectified. To connect, you may wish to see them in your mind’s eye, draw them on paper, or find photographs of yourself as a child. You can then engage both parts in a dialogue through journaling or through imaginal conversation. You will want to learn the burdens, challenges, and strengths of each part and extend to both the compassion in the present they needed in the past. You might reassure both aspects of yourself that now you are safe to feel goodness and joy. You can engage resources in the present to support stepping into this new territory, such as trusted friends or family.

There is more to complete this process, which is elaborated through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. In addition to work with a therapist, these books may be of help to learn more: Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life, and, We All Have Parts: An Illustrated Guide to Healing Trauma with Internal Family Systems.