There is much conversation about boundaries these days, but what, exactly, are boundaries? And why are they so important?

 

Samantha Stein

Simply put, boundaries are limits we personally set in order to protect our physical, emotional, and mental health, and they can be set with ourselves, with others, or with both. There are many different types of boundaries—some common ones include physical boundaries (such as not allowing someone to touch you without your consent), emotional boundaries (such as not allowing someone to verbally abuse you), and time or effort boundaries (such as creating a “hard stop” for a meeting or outlining clearly what efforts you will or will not make).

With the above examples, it may seem obvious why boundaries are important. They help us to protect ourselves from harm—keep us safe. They also help us to maintain our sense of self and feeling of control over our lives. When it comes to parenting, it is also crucial for the safety and health of children, as well as good modeling for them.

However, people often have a difficult time setting them; the most common reason being that your boundary may mean someone else's disappointment. In other words, setting a boundary often means being able to withstand the fact that others may not like it.

There are a few things to keep in mind when setting boundaries:

1. Be clear and direct. The more clear and direct you are, the more others will be able to respect the boundaries you set. If you create ambivalence or gray areas, people are likely to do what they want within those gray areas. If you draw a clear line, people know where not to overstep. “I’m heading home today at 5 pm” will be understood more clearly than “I need to head home sometime around 5 or 5:30 pm.”
2. Be respectful of others’ boundaries. We can’t expect people to respect our boundaries if we don’t respect theirs. Mutual respect works, and it feels good.
3. Be willing to enforce your boundaries. If you state that you won’t tolerate being yelled at but then stay and try to talk the other person down when they are yelling, your boundary won’t seem like an actual boundary. It will seem like a request that doesn’t really need to be honored if someone gets upset enough. If you leave the room when voices are raised, your boundary will be clear. Also, be sure to set boundaries—and consequences—you can and will stick to.
4. Be willing for others not to like the boundaries you set. At first, this can feel difficult. Many people have a hard time tolerating the disappointment of those they love, care about, respect, or fear. That said, ultimately other people will respect you more for having clear boundaries and know what to expect from the relationship, which will become healthier and stronger. Or it will need to end.

Once you set boundaries, it’s important to maintain them. Boundaries are maintained by assertiveness, self-care, setting consequences, and a willingness to say “no.” Ultimately, boundaries are an important part of healthy relationships and a healthy life. They help keep us safe and maintain an experience of choice and control in our lives.

Initially, it may feel challenging to set and maintain them, but eventually, they can become second nature and we find ourselves in relationships built on mutual respect and care—the kind of relationships we all want to be in.