“I don’t even know where to start,” Paul said, his frustration apparent. We had been working together for a few months and had been discussing his difficulty setting boundaries. Like many who came from dysfunctional families, Paul struggled to set boundaries.

In all actuality, he did not even know to identify his boundaries, which was likely a product of growing up in a chaotic household where privacy, whether mentally or physically, was not acknowledged, much less respected. Despite being in his late 50s, Paul was beginning to learn how to identify his personal boundaries and how to begin setting them with others in his life. In doing so, he was helping himself heal and move forward.

Paul is not alone. Many people struggle to set boundaries. If this is you, know that you are not alone. People from families with poor boundaries often struggle to identify their limits because they never had an opportunity to. In my practice of working with many clients who experienced family of origin trauma or dysfunction, identifying boundaries often feels like we are starting from the beginning. And sometimes, this is the case, such as in the case vignette above with Paul.

Identifying boundaries starts with thinking about things that make you uncomfortable or even annoyed. Some might not like discussing certain topics, such as politics or religion. Others might feel discomfort spending time or doing activities together, or even with physical touch. Overall, there are eight major categories that I go over with clients who are beginning the process of learning how to establish boundaries with others.

 

Source: Artsy Solomon/Pixabay

1. Physical

These are boundaries regarding your body and how you want to be touched. This could involve whether or not you are comfortable hugging or letting others hold your children or pets.

2. Material

These are your boundaries involving your home, items within your home, and your space. This could be refusing to allow someone to borrow the car, or refusing to allow them over unannounced, or limiting the amount of nights in a row they can sleep over.

3. Spiritual or religion- or faith-based

Examples include refusing to allow others to try to convert you to their faith or refusing to allow antisemitic comments in your household.

4. Emotional

This is a boundary about what you are comfortable discussing and sharing with others. It can be your feelings or your personal history

5. Time

This boundary involves how and where you spend your time. Many people struggle to set boundaries around time with others due to societal pressures and expectations within families and communities. Expectations around where and when to spend holidays and important events are a good example of this.

6. Sexual

These are boundaries around your body, how and where you are comfortable being touched, as well as discussions around your sexuality and sexual identity. Respecting this boundary looks like showing respect for your sexuality by speaking appropriately and not engaging in discussions around sex that make you uncomfortable.

7. Financial

This boundary involves finances and how and where you choose to spend your money. This boundary could be limiting the amount of financial help you provide to others or refusing to spend money on lavish vacations that others expect you to attend and pay for.

8. Intellectual

Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas and how others respect and show awareness for them. This boundary could involve your opinions and beliefs and whether they are appropriately acknowledged or respected in the family setting.

Set these boundaries firmly but gently.

Inform others while being assertive but not aggressive. You could say something like, “I would rather not discuss religion—let’s pick a different topic. What are your plans this weekend?”

Be prepared for some discomfort.

There will inevitably be some pushback from others when you start to put up boundaries, especially if others are not used to you having boundaries. This is why, when working with couples, I urge both people to be on the same page. In-laws will frequently blame the child-in-law unfairly, especially if the boundary is expressed directly from them. If possible, have the boundary delivered from the couple as a unit in order to form a united front. This will reduce the amount of pushback.

Remember, you can only control your own behavior.

Instead of setting a boundary that depends on someone else respecting it, set boundaries that define how you plan to act. Therefore, instead of saying, “You have to end the birthday party by 8:00 p.m. so we can get home and get the kids to bed,” you can say, “Yes, we have to leave by 8 p.m. because the kids have to be up early tomorrow. Thank you for understanding”; or “We are unable to come to Thanksgiving this year at your place, but we look forward to seeing you for the New Year’s Eve party! Thank you for the invitation!”

Always keep improving and growing.

Boundaries are something that is never too late to learn; you can start any time. You can let something slide for years and one day decide you want to put up a new boundary. Even if you always host holiday meals at your house where everyone attending expects you to do all of the food shopping and preparation and cleanup, it would be perfectly fine to decide this year that you no longer want to do that. This is all OK. Just be gentle and respectful in your delivery, and those who truly respect you will try to honor your boundaries.