“Single” is a surprisingly complicated word with lots of different meanings. Conventional understandings of what it means to be single do not always correspond with the ways that single people experience their lives. In an important 2023 article in the Journal of Family Theory and Review, “The stability of singlehood,” Yale University sociologist Hannah Tessler explains what single does and does not mean.

4 Things Wrong with Conventional Understandings of What It Means to Be Single

1. Singlehood as a lack of something

Being single is often understood or even defined as the absence of a romantic partner. That’s a deficit narrative of single life, in which being single is about what is supposedly missing from your life. But single people are typically more connected to more different people. Many of them have The Ones rather than The One.

2. Either you are single or you are in a relationship

“Are you single or are you in a relationship?” might seem like a straightforward question, but is it really? Tessler thinks not. Ask two people in a relatively new romantic relationship whether or not they are in a romantic relationship and they may give different answers, especially if they haven’t yet had “the talk” about defining their relationship or making it official.

Some people identify as “solo polyamorists.” They may be in multiple relationships, including romantic/sexual relationships as well as platonic ones, all while seeing themselves as their own primary partner. They don’t fit comfortably into a single vs. coupled binary.

In the conventional use of the word, “relationship” is a shorthand for “romantic relationship.” But in fact, “relationship” is a great, big, open-hearted word. Single people often have close, meaningful relationships with friends, relatives, mentors, and other special people. In that sense, they are often in multiple relationships.

3. If you are single, you are available

“Being single gets conflated with being available and receptive to being asked out on a date or starting a romantic relationship,” Tessler notes. But many single people aren’t interested in romantic relationships or dating, including many who are single at heart or aromantic. (The two are separate but overlapping categories; there are more aromantics among people who are single at heart than among those who are not. There are relatively more asexuals, too.)

4. Being single is just temporary

Single life is often regarded as transitory, a place where people mark time until they find The One. But many people, including the single at heart, have no interest in unsingling themselves. They want to stay single.

It is not just the single at heart who feel that way. Tessler cited a national survey of adults in the US who were asked, “If the right person came along, would you want to be married?” and found that nearly half (48%) said no!

If You Are Single, Will You Stay Single?

Tessler makes the case that whether single people are likely to stay single depends on whether they want a romantic relationship and whether they are open to one. Those two may sound like the same question, but they aren’t necessarily.

Singles who do not want a romantic relationship, but are open to one

Some single people are quite contented being single (they don’t want a romantic relationship), but they feel so much pressure to be coupled that they are open to romantic relationships. If asked out, they might say yes, even though they’d rather stay home and read or hang out with their friends.

Single people who may enjoy a romantic relationship, but are not open to one

Other single people might want a romantic relationship, but they are not open to one. Some religious leaders, such as priests, nuns, and monks, may be required to be celibate, regardless of whether they want to have a romantic/sexual relationship or not. Some people who are widowed choose never to repartner out of a sense of dedication to their spouse, even if they might enjoy a romantic relationship.

Single people who want a romantic relationship and are open to one

Some single people fit the conventional understanding of what it means to be single: they want a romantic relationship and they are open to one. Maybe, to them, singlehood does feel like something is missing. They are available, and they hope their singlehood will be temporary.

Single people who do not want a romantic relationship and are not open to one

For many single people, such as the single at heart, being single is the life they want. It is their best life – their most meaningful, fulfilling, and authentic life. They like their freedom and their solitude, their opportunities to include in their lives as many people as they want and to curate their own life paths. They are not so much rejecting coupling as embracing single life and all the psychological richness it has to offer.

By seeing their lives as fulfilling rather than lacking, by understanding that there are important relationships beyond romantic ones, by not categorizing themselves as “available,” and by seeing their singlehood as permanent rather than temporary, they are defying stereotypes of what it means to be single.