Should You Stay Together Despite Differences in Values?

Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels

Value misalignment slowly cracks the backbone of any relationship. Think of friends you've grown apart from over the years or feelings of disconnection from a sibling after they've married someone you find difficult.

It's painful when it seems that the values of someone you love have diverted dramatically from your own. In romantic partnerships, in particular, values misalignments can be incredibly upsetting. What do you do when you love your partner but your values misalign on big issues?

Jamie and her boyfriend, Max, had been together since college. Max had never worked a steady job and contributed little to their household expenses. Jamie had many hopes for the future, all of which she believed hinged on Max working full-time. She wanted to get married, buy a home, and have children. Yet the dreams seemed impossible to her on just her income.

Before moving in with Jamie, Max had lived rent-free with his brother and before that, with his parents. Max took pride in his ability to spend almost nothing and viewed his lifestyle as an act of resistance against an overly consumeristic culture.

Instead of facing hard truths about her relationship, Jamie collected evidence that things "should" be different. Max has a college degree. He should be able to find good work. Max is handy and often does projects around the house. He should be able to use those same skills to create an income. Max loves her. He should shift his vision for the future to match hers. Jamie thinks her hopes and happiness depend on Max getting a job.

But the truth is, Max isn't looking for work, and from his track record, he's not likely to do so anytime soon. The more Jamie insisted that Max "grow up," the more intractable and inflexible Max became. He accused her of being materialistic and work-obsessed. She told him he was bleeding her dry by refusing to share the financial burden of their lives.

Jamie finally broke out of this dynamic once she realized that her well-being was not ruled by whether Max got a job. She saw that she had to see the Max in front of her, not the Max she hoped he might become.

Max might never have had a typical job, but he wasn't a bad guy. He just had very different values than Jamie. He took pride in avoiding 9-to-5 jobs because he valued devoting time to his hobbies and leisure.

It wasn't the case that Max needed to "grow up." Max was fully grown and living according to his values. If Jamie wanted to build a life with someone with a 401K, who paid their taxes on time and dreamed of owning a house filled with children, she needed to find someone who already wanted those things. She needed to accept what "is," stop focusing on what "should" be, and change her life accordingly.

Eventually, Jamie decided the relationship had run its course. She loved Max, but they didn't share a vision for the future, so she decided to find someone who did. A sweet addendum to their story is that Max and Jamie stayed great friends, and he was terrific as the "fun uncle" to Jamie's children.

If you feel like you've lost yourself and are unhappy without entirely understanding why, it might be because your life isn't aligning with your values.

To find more clarity on your values, do the following exercise. Even better, have your partner do the exercise with you.

1. In a notebook, write down your 10 most essential values.  Do this part quickly, and try not to overthink it.

2. Give each value a rating, 1 to 10, based on how well each value is currently expressed in your life, with 1 not defined at all and 10 indicating strongly expressed. A great way to see whether you're truly walking the walk is to check your calendar and bank statement to see whether you are devoting your resources to the values you care about the most.

3. For each value that scores highly, write down why you think you can express this value so well.

4. For the low-scoring items, write down your most significant obstacle(s) to living these values more effectively. What would it take to remove those obstacles? Write them down.

5. Finally, what action could you take immediately that would have the most significant positive impact on your life? The important thing here is to focus on what is possible now, not on what is currently out of reach. Are you ready to take this action?

Compare notes with your partner. It's normal and healthy to defer to your beloved in areas where they care a lot and you feel neutral. But there are also areas where comprise is impossible, and one of you will give up too much. Envision what your life will look like in one year, five years, or 10 years down the line.

Ending a meaningful relationship is painful, but not as painful as giving up an essential part of yourself to hang on to a relationship that puts you in a box, unable to live according to the values you care about most.

As Dr. Maya Angelou once said, "When people show you show you who they are, believe them." I would add, "And make your decision accordingly."