We all know that the five "stages" of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—aren’t really “stages.” They aren’t sequential, and there aren’t clear beginnings and endings to the range of emotions they describe. They aren't even really about grieving a loved one; rather, they are likely emotions for people diagnosed with a terminal illness. Yet, ever since Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the concept in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, there’s been so much study and discourse on her theory that grievers might expect to experience some semblance of these feelings as they adjust to life without the person they’ve lost.

But there are other, more surprising aspects of grief that are equally likely to rear their head and knock grievers off their wobbling feet.

1. Isolation

The feelings of isolation in grief can grow over time. After the crowds have dispersed and the lasagnas have stopped arriving, we realize the gaping hole our person left. That’s not necessarily surprising.

What's unexpected, though, is that your grief may well feel different from the grief of the people who share intimately in your loss.

Suppose an elderly parent passes away leaving three grown children. Even though each of the children has lost the same relative, chances are that parent played a different role in each of their lives. To one, she may have been a confidante; another may have leaned on her for emotional support; and the third might have been her primary caregiver. The loss is felt and expressed in unique ways for all three, which can make them feel even more alone in their grief.

2. Identity Loss

We often define ourselves in relation to others: mother, daughter, sister, wife, best friend. When we lose someone who was an integral part of our identity, it’s discombobulating. If both of your parents have died, for example, are you still a daughter?

And what about those of us who have lost a child? While other relationships at least have words to describe your lack of a person, such as “widow” or “orphan,” There’s no word that’s part of the common lexicon to describe a childless mother. If a core piece of how you identify, literally and figuratively, is as a mother, who are you if your child dies? Still a mom, of course, but does the world see you that way?

3. Disorientation

It can feel mind-boggling that the world goes on as normal when your person is no longer alive. Seeing other people at the grocery store, on the train, or in the coffee shop who are oblivious to the fact that your person died is surreal. Why doesn’t everybody else understand that the world has dimmed?

The bonus of disorientation is that it often brings with it additional feelings of isolation (#1 above). Your world is changed to its core while other people carry on as though nothing has happened.

4. Vulnerability

There are expected triggers in grief in terms of both time and space. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, for example, are days you might be prepared for the flood of sadness. The same goes for visiting places you used to frequent with your person.

But grief is sneaky and opportunistic. It shows up when you least expect it. Let down your guard, and there it is, a smell or a song or a picture on your phone that crushes you.

5. Social Shuffling

People surprise you in the aftermath of a death. There are those you expect to show up who are simply too uncomfortable to be present. But the flip side is that some people are there for you in ways you couldn’t have predicted. The people who can sit with you in your sadness might become part of your new inner circle.

Like Kübler-Ross’s stages, isolation, identity loss, disorientation, vulnerability, and social shuffling might take turns, overlap, or recur over time. We can’t stop them, but by identifying them we might be able to take away some of their power, be less surprised when they show up, and begin to integrate them into our new reality.