"Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat." — Harry Emerson Fosdick

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” — Terry Pratchett

"Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow."

FORGIVENESS-
"What Kind of Apology Is This?!"
How to leverage the four types of "sorry" in your relationship.
Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

KEY POINTS-
There are four different types of apology, each with different characteristics and effects. The first is the passive-aggressive cynical "sorry".
Lower-case "sorry" maintains basic empathy and rapport. Capital "sorry" includes taking responsibility for one's part in the rupture.
The playful "soorry :)" not only includes a repair attempt but also injects play and movement.
Mastering the four apologies will help you increase intimacy and trust in your relationship.

There's more than one way to apologize.
Partners apologize (or not) all the time. Yet often the apologies don’t achieve the desired effect. Sometimes a misused apology can actually hurt the relationship more than build it. Why is that?

Because there are actually four types of apologies that might use the same word but have completely different meanings. By learning and mastering the different apologies, we can improve the intimacy, empathy, and rapport in our relationship.

The Cynical “Sorry!”
“Sorry that I didn’t call you, I was just busy with your kids…”

This "sorry" is not an apology but rather a passive-aggressive jab at your partner. It is used in a dismissive way to either get your partner off your chest or to indirectly express your frustration or anger. Its delivery is usually more sarcastic, martyly, or insincere.

Too much cynical "sorry" will actually increase the aggression and defensiveness in your relationship. It creates a dynamic that is less generous, less open, less empathic.

The Lower-Case “Sorry”
“I’m sorry you waited for me for two hours.”

This is the empathic "sorry", where you recognize and validate the pain your partner felt (whether directly or indirectly by your actions). This "sorry" comes from a sincere place and builds rapport and intimacy. Lower-case "sorry" is helpful for little ruptures, where you want to join your partner’s experience empathically.

Too many lower-case "sorry"s over time become unreliable and fake. Lower-case "sorry" emphasizes your partner’s pain but not your own responsibility. If you keep apologizing but don’t actually change your hurtful behavior, then your partner will feel that you’re placating them and not really taking responsibility. This will result in more suspicion and distance in the dyad.

The Capital “Sorry”
“I’m sorry for breaking your favorite mug. I shouldn’t have taken it outside with the kids. I wasn’t thinking about you at all and only focused on my comfort.”

This apology includes self-confrontation, where you take responsibility over your contribution to the dynamic. In this apology you’re not only empathizing with how your partner felt but also reflecting on and seeing where you did them wrong. Such responsibility is called "owning your shadow," owning up to your shortcomings and faults without deflection, attack, or defensiveness. Such an admission is not only the opposite of gaslighting but it models to your partner what personal accountability and self-development look like. To read more about how to own more of your shadow click here.

Excessive use of capital "sorry" can become heavy and overly self-effacing. It can drain the play and make every rupture heavier, demanding deep reflection and discussion, which is sometimes overkill.

Playful “Soorry :)”

“I forgot to also get you a glass of wine, my dear, Soorry :)”
This last "sorry" is essentially a playful repair attempt to not only apologize but also to inject the situation with some playfulness. It signals to your partner that you didn’t mean any harm and want to stay close and good-natured. This is a tricky apology because it has to be sincere enough that your partner believes you yet also playful enough to lighten the mood.

Overdoing the playful "Soorry :)" can seem mocking or belittling, with your partner feeling you’re not taking their pain seriously.

How to Master the Four Types of Sorry
Once you have awareness of the different types of "sorry", you can start using them consciously in your relationship and enjoy the benefits of mastering apologies.

First, share this article with your partner and clarify the four types of "sorry" so you both can enjoy a more nuanced apology dynamic. Reflect what type of "sorry" each of you uses most. Then start to incorporate more types of "sorry" depending on the situation.

Here some best practices of the four types of apologies:
Minimize the cynical "sorry" as much as possible. It hurts your relationship. Better not to apologize at all than offer a fake or passive-aggressive apology.
Use lower-case "sorry" for the little disputes.
For more serious ruptures, take a couple of moments, reflect on your contribution to the situation, and only then offer a earnest capital "sorry".
As a general rule aim for more capital "sorry"s, which creates an atmosphere of personal responsibility in the dyad. Following the captial "sorry" use the lower-case "sorry", which creates and maintains basic empathy. Only after you mastered those two apologies, start exploring the playful "soorry :)," which requires more play and trust. Read more about how to inject more play into your communication here.
When you are receiving an apology from your partner, stay curious, empathic, and generous.

If they offer a cynical "sorry," instead of taking offense, ask them what they actually mean.
When then offer a lower-case "sorry", thank them for seeing you.
When they offer a capital "sorry", thank them for owning their shadow and resist the temptation to grill, lecture, or use their apology as an opportunity to show how wrong they were.
When they offer a playful "soorry :)," go toward their bid with playfulness.

It’s never too late to apologize.

The question is which "sorry" will it be.

BULLYING-
Be a Force Against Bullying.
Bullying at all scales causes much suffering. What can we do?
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS-
Woven in the tapestry of human relationships are several significant threads, one of which is power. How do we use that power?
Beware of innocence or naivete that can’t believe another person or group would act in dominating, defensive, or deceptive ways.
Bad enough that the bully is out there in the world. Try not to let the bully invade your mind.

Humans are profoundly social. Woven through the tapestry of our relationships are several major threads. One of these is power. The only question is, do we use it for good or ill?

The abuse of power can be called many things, including intimidation, fraud, discrimination, and tyranny. I’ll use a down-to-earth term: bullying.

Bullies are, unfortunately, common. Throughout history and right now today, from homes and schoolyards to the halls of power, they create a vast amount of human suffering. What can we do?

The Practice
In this short space, I’ll offer some summary suggestions. You can help them be concrete by applying them to bullies you’ve experienced or observed.

Recognize Bullies
Bullies are....
Dominating: Have to be the “alpha”; look for targets who seem weaker; no compassion
Defensive: Never wrong; scorn others; avoid responsibility
Deceptive: Manipulate grievances to gain support; cheat; hide the truth since their power is based on lies
Beware of innocence or naivete that just can’t believe another person or group would act that way. As Maya Angelou put it, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Recognize Enablers
People and organizations can sometimes tolerate or even value bullies, such as cheering on a bully who is hurting someone they look down on. This enabling takes different forms, including pretending that all is normal or claiming falsely that “both sides do it.” From playgrounds to parliaments, people with an authoritarian personality style have an affinity for bullying leaders and form the core of their supporters.

Protect Yourself
Sometimes you are stuck with a bully, at least for a while. Be careful. Weigh your options and do what’s best for you.

Have Compassion
Deep down, the mind of a bully is like a hell realm of fended-off feelings of weakness and shame, always threatening to invade. There's lots of suffering there. Compassion for a bully is not approval. It can be calming and strengthening for you.

And, of course, the targets of bullies deserve our care. Even if you can do nothing to help them, your compassion is still authentic; it matters to you, and it may matter to others in ways you’ll never know.

Name It
Tell the truth to yourself. Tell it to others.
And, if appropriate, tell the truth to bullies and their enablers. This could be a version of that truth: “You are a bully. You cheated and lied to get your power. You act tough, but you’re actually weak and frightened. You might be able to harm me and others, but I am not afraid of you. I see what you are.”

Bullies may acquire institutional authority but never moral legitimacy. They know their power is on thin ice. Name the lying, the cheating, the weakness. Name the fakery, and name the illegitimacy.

Stand With Others
Bullies target lone individuals and vulnerable groups to display dominance and create fear. This is sometimes called “performative cruelty.” So, gather allies who will stand with you if you’re being bullied. Also, ask others to stand up to bullies; sitting on the sidelines just perpetuates bullying.

And, together, stand with and for those others who are bullied. It may make no material difference. But it always makes a moral and psychological difference to those who stand up—and to those they stand for.

Punish Bullying
I mean “punish” in the sense of justice, not vengeance. The act of bullying itself is rewarding to a bully, even if there’s no concrete benefit. It’s like pulling a pleasurable lever on a slot machine that sometimes delivers a jackpot: if you’re a bully, why not keep pulling?

So there must be a real cost—and in terms of what the bully cares about. Hand-wringing and expressions of concern are irrelevant to a bully. Enablers also need to pay a price. Otherwise, why would they stop?

Since bullying is common, people have developed a variety of ways to punish it. Depending on the situation, you could do the following:
With moral confidence, name the bullying for what it is
Dispute false claims of legitimacy
Laugh at bullies (who are usually thin-skinned)
Confront lies, including denial of harm they’re doing
Build up sources of power to challenge the bully
Confront enablers; they’re complicit in bullying
Engage the legal system
Remove bullies from positions of power
See the Big Picture
Bullying is enabled and fostered by underlying conditions. For example, bullies draw power from the grievances of others. Address those grievances and reduce the bully’s power.

Bullies try to dominate our attention much like they try to dominate everything else. But there is a larger world beyond their control. It contains so many things that are working, enjoyable, beautiful, and virtuous. Disengage as much as possible from ruminating on helpless outrage, fantasies of payback, and fault-finding others “who aren’t doing enough.” Bad enough that the bully is out there in the world. Try not to let the bully invade your own mind.

What Are the Benefits of Compassion?
Compassion can lead to powerful changes personally and in our relationships.
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS-
Compassion gives you purpose, is contagious, and is good for mental and physical health.
To survive and thrive as humans, we need to show up with compassion for ourselves and each other.
We have a natural capacity to feel and care for others' pain, and when we receive care from another, it regulates our distress.
Compassion is like water. It can flow over hard rocks and into tight places and softens them over time. And just as water can create the Grand Canyon, compassion over time can lead to powerful changes inside ourselves and in our relationships. Dr. Paul Gilbert describes the Three Flows of Compassion:

Giving compassion: Offering support and care to another person or group who is suffering
Receiving compassion: Taking in care and help when you are struggling
Inner compassion: Giving compassion to yourself when you are in pain
When you consider these three flows of compassion, which come more easily to you? Which are more challenging?

To survive and thrive as humans, we need to show up with compassion for ourselves and each other.

Why Is Compassion Important?
We were born to connect. We have a natural capacity to feel and care for others' pain, and when we receive care from another, it regulates our distress (Jinpa 2015). We have a fundamental human need to join with others and a fundamental need to care for ourselves. It is through this flow of compassion that we can find purpose and meet life’s stressors with strength. There are thousands of studies on compassion, and, together, these studies show hands down that compassion is one of the most powerful agents for health and well-being (Neff 2021; Ferrari et al. 2019; Kirby, Tellegen, and Steindl 2017).

Compassion gives you purpose: There’s nothing better than feeling useful. With compassion, you step out of self-focus and find a greater sense of meaning that extends beyond just you. Having a sense of purpose helps you live longer and supports a greater quality of life (Alimujiang et al. 2019). Having compassion for yourself also motivates you to change unhealthy behaviors and step out of environments and relationships that are harmful to you. Instead of trying to strong-arm yourself to change with self-criticism, with self-compassion, you make changes because you inherently care for your own well-being.

Compassion is good for mental health: When we realize that we aren’t carrying our pain alone, we feel our burdens lift a little. Research into compassion shows that it is related to greater happiness and lower depression (Shapira and Mongrain 2010), promotes social connection (Seppala, Rossomando, and Doty 2013), and bolsters stable feelings of self-worth (Neff and Vonk 2009). When we offer kindness for ourselves and forgiveness for our mistakes, we can step out of anxiety, rumination, and shame. For example, something as simple as writing a compassionate letter to ourselves has been found to help us better deal with distressful life events (Leary et al. 2007).

Compassion is good for physical health: Compassion helps us feel more connected and less stressed and may protect against the health consequences of loneliness (Jinpa 2015). A study of more than 2,000 people out of the University of Chicago found that extreme loneliness was twice as likely to cause death as obesity or high blood pressure (Cappiopo 2015). With compassion, you feel part of something bigger, and you feel supported in carrying life’s burdens. For example, compassion reduces physiological markers of stress (Breines et al. 2014), and individuals who score higher on compassion are better able to receive social support, which leads to a more adaptive stress response (Cosley et al. 2010).

This type of connection also promotes positive aging (Phillips and Ferguson 2013) For example, volunteers live longer than nonvolunteers, but only those who volunteer for other-oriented reasons and not self-oriented reasons (Konrath et al. 2012).
Compassion is contagious: Compassion inspires what Johnathan Haidt calls “elevation.” Seeing someone engaging in acts of human goodness and kindness creates a warm, uplifting feeling that motivates others to do the same. Compassion leads to an upward spiral of collective good. When we are compassionate, it releases the bonding hormone oxytocin and activates areas of our brain associated with pleasure (Esch and Stefano 2011). Compassion feels good because we are wired to connect.

SUICIDE-
What We Can Do About the Teenage Mental Health Crisis.
Turning concerning headlines into positive action.
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS-
There are actions as individuals and as a community we can take for children and young adults in the face of life-threatening statistics.
Normalizing talking about mental health, regularly checking in, and unplugging and getting outside can improve your child's mental health.
We can ask our community to prioritize mental health in schools and offer comprehensive support to those with serious mental illness.
If you are concerned after seeing repeated headlines sounding the alarm about a nationwide teenage mental health crisis, you are not alone, and there are things you can do to help the teenagers in your life.

Reading the news, you cannot escape the fact that American teenagers are struggling. I recently wrote about a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that teenage girls are experiencing increased sadness and violence, along with American Psychological Association research that found reducing social media use improved teenage body image and mental health.

And, yet, there is even more frightening news to report about the mortality rates in children and teens. Before I walk through the sobering statistics, I want to remind readers that if you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

Research out last month from the American Medical Association found that suicide and homicide rates were on the rise for individuals aged 10 to 19 before the COVID-19 pandemic, likely thanks to increased access to firearms, opioids, and a worsening mental health crisis. They found that the pandemic “may have poured fuel on the fire.” Researchers found that injury mortality, which includes homicides, suicides, and drug overdoses, rose 23 percent between 2019 and 2020, including a 39 percent increase in homicide rates and a 114 percent rise in drug overdoses. Add in concerning disparities between race and ethnicity—suicides were “more than twice as likely among American Indian/Alaska Native youths and non-Hispanic Black youths than suicides among non-Hispanic White youths”—and the data can leave anyone feeling hopeless.

Yet, there are actions as individuals and as a community and country we can take for children and young adults in the face of these life-threatening statistics.

What you can do:
Normalize taking action when faced with mental health challenges: We all struggle with our mental health at some point in time in our lives. When you are going through a tough time, share with your teenager that you’re taking action to get healthier. That could be seeing a therapist, talking to your primary care doctor, or starting a meditation or breathing exercise program. Even when you don’t feel like you connect with your teenager, they look up to you, and they will see you taking action as a normal part of life.

Make mental health check-ins a regular family activity: Just like you bandaged their knees when they scraped themselves as toddlers, you can continue to assist in your teenager’s health. Try a routine of sharing your rose/bud/thorn at dinner once a week, where you each share a success (rose), a potential (bud), and a challenge (thorn). This allows everyone to share examples of how they are feeling that week and for you to get some insight into your teenager’s mental well-being.

Unplug and get outside: A change of scenery and lack of screens can help anyone’s mental health. As I’ve shared in previous columns, reducing time on social media is proven to improve teenage mental health, and using social media too much can lead to increased feelings of loneliness. Getting outside without phones, tablets, computers, or TVs can help force a break from screens and social media for everyone. Try going for a nightly walk around your neighborhood after dinner or a weekly hike at a nearby park. Making outside, screen-free time a regular part of your family’s routine will have a positive impact on your family’s mental wellness.

What you can ask your community to do:
Prioritize mental health in schools: Many schools are strapped for resources, but mental health needs to be a priority, just as much as the school nurse helping students with physical health needs. Find out what your child’s school or school district is doing to support student mental well-being at school and ask questions about how they can better address this growing need.

Offer comprehensive support for youth with serious mental illness: A report from the Commonwealth Fund details some of the ways states such as Ohio and Oklahoma are providing wraparound, integrated support to youth with serious mental illness, both at home and in school, with counselors and inpatient care as needed. Take the time to write to your state lawmakers or governor to ask them to consider approaching the teenage mental health crisis with this approach to care. The report finds that comprehensive programs like these, linking young people and families with home- and community-based services, have been found to lower youth emergency department visits and improve outcomes.

I share these action items because it is easy to become overwhelmed in the face of alarming news like rising mortality rates in our youth. Yet, I believe that we can all contribute to a healthier world by normalizing seeking mental health support when we need it, talking openly with family and friends about both our health struggles and accomplishments, and pushing for change on a community level. I remain optimistic about the future of our youth, but we must all be mindful of our teenagers’ mental health needs and be sure to address them on a regular basis before they become serious concerns.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

When Self-Pleasure Habits Get in the Way of Partnered Sex.
The neuroscience behind our sexual patterns.
Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS-
The more ways you can experience sexual pleasure, and the more pleasure you can generate, the more likely you are to reach orgasm.
When you bring yourself to orgasm in a specific way, you’re strengthening a neural pathway in your brain.
It takes time to build a new neural pathway.

If I could give one piece of sex advice to everyone, it would be this: “Switch it up on a regular basis!”

The more ways you can develop for experiencing sexual pleasure, and the more pleasure you can generate, the more likely you are to reach orgasm, whether alone or with a partner. The more different routes you have to orgasm on your own, the more likely you will find a way to reach orgasm with a partner. And the more different routes you have to orgasm with a partner, the more likely you are to experience pleasure even when life throws a wrench into things and certain activities aren’t possible for one reason or another.

Most people who reliably reach orgasm have one primary way of doing so. It is perfectly understandable that people go with what works; why argue with success? Our cultural expectation seems to be that sex isn’t “real sex” unless there is an orgasm, and not only that, an orgasm that someone else “gave” us. So once we figure out how to “give our partner an orgasm”, we tend to stick with that strategy rather than continue to explore and risk not “getting it right”, “being a bad lover” or just missing the orgasm entirely some of the time.

Here’s the problem: the more you focus on just one way of reaching orgasm or experiencing pleasure, the more likely you are to get stuck in a rut. When you bring yourself to orgasm in a specific way, you’re strengthening a neural pathway in your brain. Every time you do the same thing, that pathway gets stronger. Unless you switch it up and cultivate other ways of reaching orgasm, it becomes harder and harder to do so in any other way.

There are lots of ways this might look:
I self-pleasure by rubbing myself against something, and I can’t get that same feeling and reach orgasm with a partner
I self-pleasure while watching porn, and find it hard to reach orgasm with a partner
I can’t reach orgasm without a particular fantasy, and that makes me uncomfortable; I’d rather be able to do it without that particular fantasy
I self-pleasure dry (or with a tight hand), and then when I have penis-in-vagina sex with my partner, the sensation just isn’t strong enough to get over the edge

All of these examples point to a particular pathway to orgasm, involving a combination of thoughts, images, novel stimuli, types of touch, amount of slipperiness, amount of pressure, broad versus specific stimulation, etc.

The key to shifting a habitual neural pathway to orgasm is to start to change it up. Let me be clear; this is not always easy, nor is it something most people can accomplish quickly. That’s why an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! If you already have multiple ways you can experience high levels of sexual pleasure, make sure to use all of them to get to orgasm, not just the easiest one.

And if you are in a rut, consider what is different between the way you most easily reach orgasm and the way you and your partner have sex. Think about all the components of the interaction. Then begin experimenting with shifting one or two things more toward a sensation or visual stimulation that partnered sex can match. Here are some specific suggestions:

If you watch porn, watch just one video all the way through rather than clicking between many. Get used to arousal ebbing and flowing, and returning, even when the “action” is a little slower and less novel
If you touch yourself without lube, try using lube. Partner sex is often slicker than solo sex, although not always. If the opposite is true, try using less lube.
If you rub against something, try placing your hand between the object and your body. Gradually shift how much of the sensation is coming from diffuse pressure versus your hand moving, or specific touch.
If you have a favorite fantasy, see if you can develop a second-runner-up fantasy. See if you can come up with one that has some things in common with sexy aspects of your partner, or the way you and your partner have sex.
The strategy is to, very gradually, use the new way more and more during any given sexual interaction. Most people like to start this experiment solo, but there is no reason you can’t do it with a partner too if you’re both comfortable with some experimentation.

Start getting turned on the “old” way. But once arousal is building, switch it up. If arousal begins to fall and it is hard to get it to build again, shift back to the tried-and-true, but when possible, shift back again to the new way. Most people starting this experiment need to use the old way to tip over into orgasm at first, but the goal is to become able to get over the orgasmic threshold with the “new way”, which ideally is in some way significantly more similar to partnered sex.

This is necessarily a gradual process, because it takes time to build a new neural pathway. And it generally feels frustrating; neurons have to literally find one another and connect in new ways.

Having a therapist who can support this process can be very helpful. It is important to strike a balance between building the new neural pathway, and experiencing sexual pleasure without too much frustration. You can’t rush this process. Finding ways to stay steady, find patience, make it fun, and keep clear on why you’re doing this in the first place will be crucial.

Whether you are thinking about this from the viewpoint of a therapist helping others, or a person wanting to increase your experience and ease with orgasm, ask yourself what neural pathway issues may be at play, and how you can start building diverse pathways towards more connected, satisfying, and flexible encounters.

RESILIENCE-
4 Strategies to Help You Halt Overthinking.
Learn how to build resilience against overthinking.
Reviewed by Devon Frye

If you’re like many hard-working professionals, you likely enjoy developing yourself and others. You’re probably someone who also adores diving into new ideas and is energized by consuming information.

This ability to take in and process the world more deeply is particularly strong in the type of professionals who identify as what I call Sensitive Strivers—high achievers who think and feel everything more deeply. This description encompasses approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population who can be described as highly sensitive, meaning they have a genetic trait difference that leads to a finely attuned nervous system.

Sensitive Strivers and Overthinking
As a sensitive striver, you have many strengths. Sensitive strivers tend to be perceptive, observant, empathetic, and conscientious. Your sensitivity, combined with your drive to succeed, is what makes you a powerhouse performer.

On the other hand, because of their depth of processing, sensitive strivers often struggle to halt overthinking, or the tendency to think too much or too long about a subject. While sensitive strivers are often applauded for the way they explore angles and nuance, they can sometimes become paralyzed by doubt and indecision.

Take Ines,* for instance. Ines was the head of learning and development at a Fortune 500 technology company who came to me for coaching because her job duties had grown. Nearly overnight, she was in charge of training initiatives across the company’s offices worldwide—during a pandemic.

While Ines was normally calm and even-keeled, the stress sent her spiraling into overthinking. She struggled to make judgment calls about strategy and overanalyzed her contributions in meetings. Worst of all, work bled into her personal time, and she had trouble “shutting off” her brain at night.

How to Halt Overthinking
Ines is not alone when it comes to her struggles. Many sensitive strivers lack the tools to manage their thoughtfulness effectively. The good news is that it’s possible to halt overthinking and increase your resilience and improve your decision-making at the same time.

Here are several strategies I shared with Ines that can help you, too:
1. Name and reframe.
Naming your patterns of overthinking and then reframing them helps improve your perspective so that you can see new possibilities and find solutions instead of hitting mental dead ends.

Here are some common examples:
All-or-nothing thinking
Sounds like: “If I don’t get this right, I’m a complete failure.”

How to reframe: Look for nuance in situations. When your mind presents only two forks in the road, slow down, and ask if you might be missing some options.

Overgeneralization
Sounds like: “I’m always screwing up.”

How to reframe: Stop using extreme words like “always,” “never,” “all” and “every.” Treat events in isolation; just because something happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again.

Filtering
Sounds like: “I’m devastated by the flaw my boss pointed out, even though the rest of her feedback was good.”

How to reframe: Do a quick cost-benefit analysis and ask yourself, “How will it help me to keep focusing on the bad, and how will it hurt me?” If the cons outweigh the pros, you’ll find it easier to let go and move on.

2. Interrupt the pattern.
Whenever you find yourself lost in unhelpful thoughts, you can use a pattern interruption technique to ease yourself out of an overthinking spiral. Examples include:

Silently say “Stop,” or imagine a red stop sign in your mind’s eye.
Visualize your worries or fears as floating away in a balloon or drifting away down a stream.
Keep a rubber band or hair tie around your wrist, and flick it each time you catch yourself overthinking.

These techniques help bring your mind back to the present moment so you can concentrate on the task at hand.

3. Change the “what if” narrative.
Instead of imagining potential criticisms of your work, ask yourself more constructive questions like:

What if the senior leadership team loves my work?
What if my idea is the breakthrough the project needs to finally move forward?
What if this proposal revolutionizes how we work as a team?
The sensitive striver’s brain is wired to seek answers to questions. Instead of using your brainpower to go down a negative rabbit hole, direct your creativity toward scenarios that empower you rather than drag you down.

4. Use your core values as a filter for action.
Think of core values as your “why.” They are principles that guide and inform your actions, helping you to show up as your full self. Core values also act as filters to reduce overthinking. Your values give you a mental shortcut, helping to dissolve the internal tension that leads to mental loops.

Ines used this tactic. Her top core value was integrity, so whenever she was faced with a difficult choice in her role as head, she asked herself, “What action brings me closer to integrity?” Sometimes, the answer meant giving hard feedback to her team. At other times, it meant admitting she was unsure during a meeting.

Take a moment today to think about your own core values. You can use this list of common core values as a jumping-off point.

At the end of the day, remember that your depth of perception and thoughtfulness are gifts. Halt overthinking and you’ll be able to reap the best of what you have to offer.

MOTIVATION-
13 Rules of Success.
Here's how to pursue and achieve your goals.
Reviewed by Davia Sills

KEY POINTS-
A person can be successful in many different areas of their life, not just at work.
Certain behaviors can optimize a person's chances at success.
A person's odds of success will improve if they can get along with others, be accountable, and more.

The word "success" is often misunderstood. Too often, it is used in relation to one's occupation or financial status, and too rarely elsewhere: success in personal growth, success in enjoying life, or even success as a friend. These other areas are just as valid (if not even more so), and ultimately it is up to each and every one of us to define our own meaning of success.

With that being said, here are 13 rules that are likely to help you pursue (and achieve) whatever kind of success you might seek. I originally developed them for work and educational settings, but with some expansion, they've served me well in many areas of my life. Note that none of them are absolute; I personally break several of these rules almost every day. And yet, I have noticed that when I keep living by them, things work out much better than when I don't.

1. Care About the Process, Not Just the Outcome.
More often than not, success is the result of many small, incremental steps. If we obsess over the outcome, however, we are likely to cut ourselves off from the processes that might produce it. We become impatient, restless, unfocused, and even unwilling. Instead, we need to learn to care about the process—not just the outcome—by turning it into a form of play.

2. Fail By Action, Not Inaction.
The only way to become good at something is to actually do it. If you want to become a good writer, you have to write. If you want to become a good friend, you have to reach out. Too often, however, we fail to take action because we fear we might make mistakes. And yet, more often than not, the greater mistake would be to try to make none at all. If you are going to have to fail, fail by action, not inaction.

3. Say "Yes" Easily and Mean It.
Expose yourself to many different experiences. Broaden your repertoire by saying "yes" more often—even when you're not entirely sure whether you have it in you. You can figure that out as you go along (and thereby grow with every challenge). Say "yes," and mean it.

4. Work With Others and Share Easily.
Humans are social animals. We are at our best when we collaborate with other people toward common goals. So collaborate. Form teams. Network. Others can teach you and enrich your life in unexpected ways, just as you have unique gifts to offer to the people around you. Do not worry too much about who gets credit—instead, be fair with others and ask for the same in return.

5. Keep Your Commitments.
This is the most important rule of all. Be careful with your word and to whom or what you commit yourself. Once you have set a commitment, however, go all in. Figure out a way and do it. Of course, you will still slip up. And when you do, go back, and give it 100 percent.

6. Be Accountable for Yourself and the Groups You Are In.
When things don't work out, we are quick to search for reasons. But instead of looking internally, at our own actions, or at external events that might be changed (factors we might be able to control), we often over-emphasize external events, even if we are unwilling to change or challenge them. We can't learn and grow from our setbacks that way. Instead, practice being accountable, both for the "me" and the "we." Even if we are being treated unfairly, it's best to focus on what can be done about it as a person and a group.

7. Acknowledge Your Own Power and Behave Accordingly.
You can make a huge difference with your endeavors. The unsuccessful person will withdraw in fear or will mistake dreams for action. The successful person, however, will acknowledge their own power and will push on vigorously and persistently to make it manifest. As Nelson Mandela said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

8. Acknowledge Your Own Finitude and Behave Accordingly.
We do not know how long we will have on this planet. Regardless of how many years you have, the time is certainly short, which is why it's best to put your effort into tasks that are personally meaningful. Suppose you have only one more year before you die. Do you want to spend time on this particular project? Successful people aspire to make a difference with their time and to ever be in a position to answer "Yes!" to that question.

9. Network With Your Betters.
Successful people want to know others who are both good at what they do and are caring people—they want to talk with them, correspond with them, and listen to them. They want a dialogue of ideas and a vision for what is possible. Get to know the leaders of the field you have chosen at work or in school, and engage with them. In your social life, get to know people who are loyal, ethical, and kind. Find people who are good to learn from.

10. Guard Your Integrity.
People who want to be successful can be susceptible to cheating or outright dishonesty if they focus on success as an outcome rather than a process. "Success" acquired that way will mock you. If you violate your integrity to achieve a particular outcome, you will find the activity itself to be far, far less intrinsically valuable. The playfulness disappears. Instead of being fun, it has now become a mere means to an end.

Yes, you may fool people. But who is lifted up by the applause of fools? Instead, if you slip, even in small ways, immediately repair the damage, and come back to your high-integrity core even more strongly.

11. Follow Your Bliss.
Successful people are confident. They don't necessarily feel confident, but they make the leap of confidence by acting with (the meaning of "con") faith in themselves, that is, self-fidelity (the original meaning of "fidence"). To thine own self be true by following your bliss, even if it means taking the occasional risk. If it worries you to have faith in your gut instincts, build a little safety net. Do not, however, violate what seems important to you.

12. Say "No" Easily and Mean It.
As you make progress on your goals, you will need to learn how to strengthen your focus. The distractions and requests will increase alongside your level of success, and you will have to keep a balance. Learn to say "no." Set priorities. Stick to them. And value your time.

13. Open Your Mail, Return Your Phone Calls, Answer All Your Emails, and Keep Your Desk Clean.
Oh, well. Sigh. Not every rule can be followed.