STRESS-
2 Types of Arguments: Perfect Storms vs. Tip of the Iceberg.
While your problems seem different, there are two different types.
Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

KEY POINTS-
While the content constantly changes, two common argument types are "perfect storm" and "tip of the iceberg."
"Perfect storms" are isolated events fueled by stress, alcohol, etc. Arguments resulting from ignoring problems are called "tip of the iceberg."
The challenge after an argument is to make up, solve the problem and learn the lesson about communicating in the future.

Luis and Natalia had a big argument over money and the recent credit card bill on Saturday night. They’ve had arguments before, but this was different—much more emotional with name-calling, bringing up the past from long ago, and ultimatums. They’ve made up, but it’s leaving them both shaken, unsure of what to make of what happened.

Arguments tend to fall into two camps—the "perfect storm" (isolated event) and the "tip of the iceberg" (bigger problem). Here’s how to tell the difference:

Isolated Events: The Perfect Storm
Luis and Natalia could have had a more rational, productive conversation on a weekday or typical Saturday. Could it have become heated as each tried to make their point? Sure. But they would have been aware that they were getting over emotional and off track and either called a halt to cool off—I’m getting upset and need to take a break. Or they worked hard to lower the emotional temperature by listening more or shifting the conversation to the emotions and why the other was getting upset—I’m not criticizing you; I’m not sure why you’re getting so upset. They may have come up with a plan—setting up a tighter budget—or not, but would have agreed to circle back later. There wouldn’t be any of that out-of-control feeling, a power struggle, an inability to step down, or tunnel vision.

But Saturday was the perfect storm: Dealing with a potentially hot topic, plus they were both tired from the long week, stressed about other problems, or had too much alcohol or drugs. Their inhibitions were down, and their rational brains were offline, opening the floodgates to junk from the past and making it hard to put on the emotional brakes.

Tip of the Iceberg
"Tip of the iceberg" differs from the "perfect storm." Here problems about finances and credit cards have been ongoing problems that have never been put to rest. Natalia has been upset with Luis’ spending habits for a long time but has never really addressed it. Or she has addressed it, but Luis became defensive or blew it off as a problem, and it got swept under the rug. Like a pressure cooker, the problem builds, and under the right circumstances, the lid blows off, hence the big fight.

While the problem can too easily be passed off as a perfect storm of stress and timing—sorry about last night; me too—the reality is that they need to address a long-ignored, unresolved problem. Come up with a plan for managing money. But there’s more: Underneath are deeper emotional problems.

But underneath the current problem is often a deeper and more widespread problem. While this argument was about money, the content can change. Another time, the same argument might be about parenting or sex. If that’s the case, the underlying driver isn’t the topic per se, but recurring wounds, the pushing of each’s emotional buttons. What fuels the blow-up is only partly credit cards and more about Luis. Once again, he feels criticized or micromanaged, while Natalia feels dismissed and unheard. These are dysfunctional loops that couples easily fall into and create cracks in the foundation of the relationship. Over time, if not addressed, it’s easy for arguments to get worse.

Find the Moral of the Story of the Argument
This is constantly your go-to next step after making up. Some couples only make up. They mumble “I’m sorry about last night,” in the kitchen the next morning while pouring coffee. But you need to take it a few steps further. Go back and solve the presenting problem, the credit card expenses, and how to resolve them so that Natalia isn’t so worried and Luis doesn’t feel like he is caving in. Both need to get out of their emotional brains into their rational brains and devise a win-win plan to try out rather than sweep the entire issue under the rug to avoid another argument.

But it’s also an opportunity to step back and deconstruct what happened: Was this an isolated event, a perfect storm? If yes, there is still a moral to that story: We need to not talk about finances (or parenting or my mother) when we’re both stressed, tired or had too much to drink. But, more importantly, if you realize it was the tip of the iceberg about how you both feel treated by the other–the criticism, the micromanaging, feeling dismissed and not heard, feeling not appreciated or neglected—it’s time to be honest, and talk about these foundational problems.

Your tendency may be not to do this, to feel that it’s better not to make waves, not spoil making-up, sweep it under the rug, and hope it gets better if you walk on eggshells better. The challenge is not to do this. If you need time to figure it out, recover from the argument, discern the moral of it, and sort out how you feel and what you want.

What you don’t want to do is push it all away, not listen to your emotions, and fail to use them as information that tells you and your partner what you need.