The Mountaintop of the Midlife.
Assessing your life from the midpoint.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
People often share similar issues and feelings about reaching midlife.
Reaching the midpoint of your life can be thought of like hiking up a mountain.
Instead of regretting the choices you made on the way up, take pleasure in making new choices on the way down.
Sometimes the topic of conversation in therapy is a factor of the age of the client. One such topic is the idea of middle age, or as it seems to be more popularly called now, the midlife. Many times, clients have issues and feelings about reaching this point in their lives that seem unique and specific to their situation. This is certainly the case, but I find clients also get a feeling of relief learning that many people their age are dealing with similar issues.

The midlife is something you don’t always see coming. You sort of wake up one day and find yourself there. It happens the way Ernest Hemingway describes going broke: gradually, then suddenly. One day you’re in your late 20s, growing into a career, celebrating weddings and births, still in the know about what music is cool, and watching your hair just begin to thin ever so slightly. The next day, the music you like is considered old-school, your clothes from high school are considered vintage, and the bald spot on the back of your head has grown to meet the receding hairline in the front.

Reaching the midpoint of your life is like hiking up a mountain. From birth you grow up at the foot of the mountain, looking up at it looming in the distance, with the knowledge that one day you will set off to climb it. Eventually that day comes, and as you embark on the journey of life you push forward, hiking uphill. Sometimes the path is easy, sometimes it is hard, but no matter how the trail or the view changes, you continue your slow climb.

When you began this climb, you were joined by other people your age, friends who were born at the same time and grew up with you, but as you continue the journey you start to separate. At different forks in the road, you choose different paths. Every now and then you stop and sit for a spell, taking a rest, admiring the view. Sometimes you hike along a ridge with an amazing view, but you’re so busy getting to where you want to go you don’t even notice. Sometimes there are rock slides that send you sliding downhill a bit, but then you find a shortcut that gets you further up the mountain. Whatever your path, you are always working towards the same goal: to get to the top of the mountain.

As your journey progresses, you might find yourself forgetting about the destination. You get so used to climbing that it becomes second nature to you. The burn in your thighs from walking uphill becomes normal. The view of the mountaintop in the distance becomes a familiar sight, something you take for granted. But then one day you get to the top of the mountain, where you admire the view, catch your breath, and then think: Now what?

For most of us, what happens next is a serious assessment of our lives at this point. After all this focus on the climb, we now have a moment to get introspective and look within, taking stock of where we are, how we got here, and how we feel about it. We’ve reached the mountaintop, but is it the right mountaintop? Is it the mountaintop we pictured this whole time? The fact is the place you’ve reached at the top of this mountain is most likely not where you pictured yourself ending up when you started your journey. This difference between where you thought you were going and where you actually ended up can be the source of much of the anxiety we associate with the idea of a mid-life crisis.

Imagine you’ve reached the top of the mountain of midlife and you’re standing there taking stock of where you stand. You might find yourself on a boulder in a rocky outcropping, or in a grassy meadow atop a plateau, or on a dry, dusty ledge. You might find yourself alone, or with a hiking partner. You might be happy with where you are, or you might not be satisfied with where you find yourself. So you look back at the direction you came from, second-guessing the choices you made to get here, wishing you had taken a different route. You get so preoccupied with analyzing the choices you made along the way that you neglect to consider the path in front of you. You’ve spent so much time working towards the goal of reaching the mountaintop, you can’t imagine dedicating that kind of energy to the path down the other side. In fact, you’re not even thinking about the way down. You’re still fixated on the way up, even though that part of your journey has come to an end.

There’s a clock ticking this whole time, by the way. You can’t just remain on this spot on the mountaintop considering all this. It’s like there’s a giant invisible hand behind you, gently pushing you downhill. It’s ironic because you could have used the support of this invisible hand while you were climbing uphill, and you don’t really need it going down. If you haven’t been able to accept where you’ve found yourself on the mountaintop, then you’re not going to be aware of the invisible hand pushing you down the other side of the mountain. Your heels will be dug in, dragging in the dirt. Your focus will be on the path behind you instead of the one in front of you, and this will make for an unpleasant journey. If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself fully feeling the stress and unhappiness behind this conflict for the rest of your life without even realizing what’s causing it. And that would be a shame, because the journey down the other side of the mountain has the possibility to be wonderful. The views on the way down are just as scenic as the ones on the way up.

When you’ve accepted the contradiction between where you thought you’d be and where you are, it can be much easier to enjoy the second half of the journey of your life. You know where you’re going now, after all. Unlike your hike up to the top of the mountain, there’s only one destination for all of us at this point. We’re all eventually going to get to the flat ground on the other side of the mountain. So why not enjoy the rest of the journey? Accept where you’re starting from and walk downhill with a spring in your step. Instead of kicking yourself for the choices you made on the way up, take pleasure in making new choices on the way down. Keep your gaze steady on the path ahead of you, not the one behind you.

Establishing Trust-
The challenging process of a client's wariness.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
Clients' trust in the process of therapy—and in their therapists—underlies the healing they seek.
Being attuned to a client's past trust issues informs the work you do with them.
It is important to find ways to navigate clients' struggles with trust.
Underlying the concerns our clients bring to therapy, perhaps the most crucial task they face is establishing trust: trust that they can heal their psychological/emotional wounds, trust that counseling has something useful to offer, and trust in themselves as they move toward a fuller sense of self.

Stefano* doesn’t trust me at all when he first arrives at my office. A difficult childhood where he was both ignored and gaslit by his parents means he starts out being polite and deferential during sessions. His eyes remain wary, though—constantly darting to the bookcase to his left, or the window view behind me. Stefano says he wants to feel more "connected" in his life (to his wife, his child, his work, and to himself), and I think about the link between vulnerability (requiring trust) and connection. Therapy represents a huge risk for him; as he begins to trust me a little, he becomes more vocal about his doubts and challenges me with more verbal forcefulness:

“I don’t mean to argue, but how do you know I should have been raised with more kindness?”

“Ok, but if I let people know me, I might get hurt. You must see that!”

One day, he took the risk to ask, “I pay you to listen to me ... how do I know you actually care about me?” His voice was choked with emotion and vulnerability, and I knew he'd reached a pivotal moment of trying to trust.

Stefano’s direct, raw resistance to trusting is so very congruent with all the questions he never got to ask growing up, and all the challenging he never got to do. If I push him to move more quickly toward trusting me (or the therapeutic process), he would most likely back away. It isn’t easy to feel so consistently challenged, but I understand the purpose behind it. I stay engaged and responsive as I watch Stefano sort out layers and layers of uncertainty.

In more than 40 years of working with clients, I’m moved by their struggle to trust. Whether they’re struggling to trust me, the therapeutic process, or themselves, it’s a powerful process of reckoning. Each client’s unique journey toward trust has my utmost respect.

Samantha is wary for different reasons. A 32-year-old single mom, she describes a previous counseling experience where the therapist consistently made strong declarations regarding Samantha and her needs. “If I told her that her perspective wasn’t quite how I saw things, she’d get defensive, and explain her point of view—again. It was like she needed to be right, and I was there to accept her take on things.” In that dynamic, Samantha’s confidence in herself slowly faded.

During sessions, Samantha watches me like a hawk and I’m careful to defer to her as the “expert” on what is true for her—even when she frames a situation slightly differently than I might frame it.

“You’re the expert on you,” I tell her. “I can offer my take on things, but it’s important that you listen to what feels true for you. Don’t believe me. Believe yourself.”

At one point, she chuckles when I say this, and says, “You always say that.”

“And I always mean it,” I reply. With this exchange, I know she is nearly free of the mistrust she’s carried.

While clients establish a sense of trust in themselves (or in me), I rely on an abiding trust in myself. If a client doesn’t agree with my perspective, that’s fine. I know we can get “there” a different way or at a different time. I can hold my ground when I think it’s useful—but it’s essential to hold it in a deeply neutral, clean manner that doesn’t trigger a power struggle or a damaging kind of self-doubt for the client. I want to stay curious, engaged, and willing to be wrong.

Trust might not happen, no matter how hard I try. I can miss a cue as to what the client needs or misunderstand the way they communicate their needs; I can "drop the ball" at an inopportune moment or fail to meet them as fully as they need. In those instances, the door to trust can swing closed. (If I’m skillful enough, I might be able to repair these sorts of "gaps.") Rather than being right, I need to deeply trust my capacity for listening, compassion, and curiosity, asking the client to help me piece together a useful lens for working with their concerns.

These questions might help you explore the process of trust in therapy:
How do you respond to clients’ mistrust as they begin the process of therapy? Do you talk about it with clients? How do you notice/stay aware of their trust issues?
In your clinical training, what kinds of support or input did you receive with regard to dealing with clients’ trust issues?
Are there times when a client’s distrust is hard for you? What response gets triggered in you?
Do you remember times when you personally struggled with learning to trust in new ways? What was most helpful in finding your way through that?

*All names have been changed for privacy considerations.

ATTENTION-
Stories Captivate Our Attention and Imagination.
Unleash the power of humanity’s oldest invention—stories. ‎
Reviewed by Tyler Woods

KEY POINTS-
We just do not do storytelling; we are storytellers.
Great storytellers deploy stories to move from what they know to what they don’t know.
Structure provides the blueprint for creativity because, without structure, the human mind struggles to derive meaning.
Stories clarify matters; they change mind; and they inspire change.
Life as we know it is nothing but a story that has been repeated since time memorial. We as human beings make meaning through stories, which we then categorize into different genres. Even so, many of us struggle to captivate attention and imagination through the power of the story—one of the oldest inventions at our disposal.

“Storytelling is not something we do,” wrote Carmine Gallo in The Bezos Blueprint. “Storytellers are who we are.” In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve. That is the perennial genre of religion which has no shortage of stories. In the beginning, we have an atom that evolved through random selection, genetic mutilations, and survival of the fittest. That is the modern genre of science which is rampant with stories.

Arguably the most influential science book of all times, Darwin’s On the Origin of Species contains no quantitative formula whatever because the book is replete with qualitative descriptions and stories. When we read a story, we go from what we know to what we don’t know—from the familiar to the unfamiliar.

According to Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens, “Telling effective stories is not easy. Yet when it succeeds, it gives Sapiens immense power, because it enables millions of strangers to cooperate and work towards a common goal.” Because storytelling is both an art and a science that few of us master, we erroneously believe that great communicators are born. Nonsense. Great storytellers are made and they sharpen their craft with continuous learning and relentless practice.

Great storytellers deploy the form of the story to gain admission in fierce competitions at Ivy League schools; they use stories to convince busy hiring managers of their merit to perform the job to the highest standards; and they narrate stories that foster both platonic and romantic connections. In other words, great storytellers deploy stories to move from what they know to what they don’t know—from the familiar to unfamiliar.

Since we established that great storytellers are made—not born—then what are the characteristics of a good story? Without getting mired in the technical details, all good stories have one common denominator: They captivate the attention and imagination of the intended audience. Therefore, stories are local, even when they have universal implications. In other words, the more specific the story, the better.

In addition to specificity, good stories have a hidden yet discernable structure—what Aristotle, and other rhetoricians, call the narrative arc. A story has a beginning, where the setting of the story is laid out; it also has a middle, where the progression of events is established; and it has an end, where the story comes to a resolution—a closure.

In the collective mind, some may erroneously believe that structure is antithetical to creativity. Nonsense. Structure provides the blueprint for creativity because, without structure, the human mind struggles to derive meaning. We are hardwired to notice patterns. When we come across an undiscernible pattern, we experience moments of incomprehension, chaos, and misunderstanding.

Following a structure ensures that the story does not drift. Most powerful stories tend to be brief, largely because of the economy of attention. However, these are not hard rules. If the storyteller is able to captivate the human attention and imagination for long, then that is the only measure that matters. Long stories that educate, entertain, and delight are better than mundane, useless, and lame short stories.

Stories clarify matters; they change mind; and they inspire change. One of the oldest inventions of humanity, stories are currently underused. Imagine all the benefits we could gain if we all became adept at telling out stories, if we are able to captivate the attention and imagination of those whom we meet—then the world will become an interesting place to live.

The next time you are trying to communicate, fashion your message in the form of a story. Try it and observe the response of your audience, because they largely determine the value of the stories. Iterate through trial and error until you become the great storyteller you were always meant to be.

The Science of Optimism: Developing a Positive Outlook.
The edge of identity: Changing who you once were positively with optimism.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
Practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and visualization can help individuals build confidence, focus on a positive future, and change mindsets.
A tangible way to start cultivating optimism is by writing down three good things that happen daily.
Optimism is a valuable trait that can support emotional and physical health, promote resilience, and enhance overall well-being.
When on the edge of identity, it's easy for you to become pessimistic about the future and keep you stuck. Being on the edge of identity refers to a transition state, such as changing careers, ending a relationship, or moving to a new place, and it is where you may feel uncertain or conflicted about who you are and who you want to become. Once fear takes over, peace and motivation are hard to find in this temporary change state.

Cultivating optimism is an effective way to change a negative mindset. By developing optimism, you create a tendency to expect positive outcomes or future experiences toward your new identity as you leave your past behind while in your change state. Some people may be naturally optimistic, but research suggests that it is a trait that can be developed through intentional practice if you are not or if you find yourself stuck.

Optimism Versus Toxic Positivity
Science-based optimism and toxic positivity are vastly different approaches to dealing with challenging situations or difficult emotions. The former acknowledges and accepts the reality of a problem, encourages finding growth opportunities, focuses on what can be learned from the situation, and looks for realistic, achievable solutions based on facts. On the other hand, toxic positivity is the practice of only acknowledging and focusing on positive emotions and experiences, regardless of the situation's reality, which can be harmful in the long run.

For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2009 found that individuals who suppressed their negative emotions had worse mental and physical health outcomes over time than those who expressed them more openly. Similarly, a study published in the Journal of Health Psychology in 2018 found that women who experienced more pressure to feel positive emotions had higher levels of depression and anxiety symptoms than those who did not experience such pressure.

Research has shown that optimism is associated with various mental and physical health benefits. For example, optimism can help individuals cope more effectively with stress and adversity, improve overall well-being, and promote better physical health markers such as lower blood pressure and a more robust immune system. In addition, practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and visualization can help individuals build confidence and achieve positive outcomes.

A 2020 study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that a six-week mindfulness-based intervention led to significant increases in optimism and resilience, as well as reductions in anxiety and depression symptoms, compared to a control group. Moreover, a 2018 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that a four-week online gratitude intervention led to significant increases in optimism, positive affect, and well-being compared to a control group. Both studies suggest practicing mindfulness and gratitude can help individuals develop a positive outlook.

Cultivating Optimism
One tangible way to start cultivating optimism is by writing down three good things that happen daily, also known as the "three good things" exercise. This exercise requires individuals to reflect on their day to identify three positive experiences, regardless of how small they may seem. Practicing this regularly can help build a positive mindset and increase optimism over time. So, whether having a great conversation with a friend, trying a new activity, or enjoying a favorite food, taking time each day to appreciate the good things can work wonders in developing a more optimistic outlook.

Other tips
1. Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness means bringing your attention to the present moment without judgment. Here are some ways you can practice mindfulness:

Deep breathing: Take slow, deep breaths through your nose and mouth. Focus on your breath and how it feels moving in and out of your body.
Mindful walking: Take a walk outside and focus on your surroundings. Notice the colors, smells, and sounds around you. Pay attention to how your body feels as you move.

2. Visualization: Visualization involves creating a mental image of a desired outcome. Here are some ways you can practice visualization.
Vision board: Create a collage of images and words representing your goals and aspirations. Place it somewhere you can see it daily.
Letter from the future: Write a letter to yourself from the future, describing where you are and how you feel after achieving your goals. Be as detailed as possible and read it often as a reminder of your vision.

Remember that mindfulness and visualization take practice and may not come naturally. Therefore, start with short sessions and gradually increase the time and frequency of your practice. With time and consistency, you can develop a more positive outlook and cultivate optimism.

In conclusion, optimism is a valuable trait that can support emotional and physical health, promote resilience, and enhance overall well-being. Individuals can develop a positive mindset by practicing gratitude, challenging negative thinking habits, visualizing positive outcomes, and practicing mindfulness. Though cultivating optimism may take some practice, the benefits of achieving it are worth it.

DOPAMINE-
How Your Thinking Affects Your Brain Chemistry.
Your thoughts matter because they change how your brain and body function.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
Your thoughts are transmitted via neurotransmitters and other neurochemicals.
You can proactively release various feel-good neurotransmitters in your brain based on what you think about.
Your brain chemistry changes physical structures in your brain and body.

Most people don’t think about the fact that their thoughts are chemical, and even less so about how to use their thoughts to manage their brain chemistry. Your brain chemistry is your mental health. If it’s optimally balanced, you feel good and function well. If it’s unbalanced in some way, you start to feel not like yourself, and if it stays that way for too long, you can end up with serious mental health disorders.

The relationship between our thoughts and brain chemistry is complex and multifaceted. There are many different factors that can influence this relationship, including our genetics, environment, and life experiences. The key thing to understand, however, is that thoughts are transmitted via neurotransmitters and other neurochemicals in our brain. These neurochemicals are also responsible for your emotions.

One of the most well-known neurotransmitters is dopamine. Dopamine is often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter because it is associated with pleasure and reward. When you think about something pleasurable, such as eating a delicious meal or listening to your favorite music, your brain releases dopamine.

Another well-known neurotransmitter, oxytocin, is sometimes called the “love hormone” because it is released during social bonding activities, such as hugging or cuddling. This can create feelings of closeness and connection with others. Just thinking about a loved one releases oxytocin in the brain.

Your thoughts can also influence the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol. When you experience stress, your body releases cortisol as part of the “fight or flight” response. This can be helpful in the short term if you’re responding to a perceived threat. However, if you experience chronic stress, and you regularly think about stressful situations, your body may release too much cortisol, which can have negative effects on your physical and mental health.

Thinking and brain chemistry is a two-way street. While your thoughts influence your brain chemistry, your brain chemistry also influences your thoughts. For example, if you’re thinking about things that make you feel anxious, your brain releases more cortisol, which can make you feel even more anxious. This creates a negative feedback loop that can be hard to break.

Your brain’s chemistry not only affects how you feel but also changes the actual physical structures of your brain and body. Research has shown that over time, changing what you think can change the size of certain regions of your brain. Research has also shown that the neurochemicals released via your thinking have the power to influence physical symptoms in your body.

For example, the placebo effect often occurs in medical research when someone thinks they are getting a certain treatment for an illness, and they are instead given a sham or fake version of the treatment. These people improve anyway because they think they are getting the real treatment. Placebos have been shown to improve physical symptoms of depression, anxiety, pain, coughs, erectile dysfunction, IBS, Parkinson’s disease, and epilepsy, to name a few. On the other hand, if an individual does not think the drug will work, or expects there to be side effects, the placebo can create negative outcomes. When this is the case, the placebo is instead called a nocebo.

The relationship between the mind and body is complex but the two cannot be separated. Your thinking directly impacts your mental and physical well-being via your brain chemistry. If you’d like to take charge of this process naturally and optimize your brain’s ability to function in a healthy way, there are a number of strategies you can try:

1. Practice mindfulness and mindful redirecting
One of the most effective ways to regulate your brain's chemistry is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves focusing your attention on the present moment, without judgment or distraction. By practicing mindfulness regularly, you can train your brain to become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.

With awareness, you can choose to redirect your thoughts. When you choose to move your thoughts away from things that don’t feel good and instead focus on things that are rewarding and elicit a positive emotion, you are proactively deciding which neurochemicals get released in your brain.

2. Exercise regularly
Regular exercise has been shown to have a positive impact on brain chemistry by increasing the production of neurotransmitters, such as endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. These neurotransmitters play a key role in regulating mood, motivation, and attention.

3. Get enough sleep
Good sleep is essential for maintaining healthy brain chemistry. During sleep, the brain flushes out toxins and repairs itself, which helps to maintain the balance of neurotransmitters and other chemicals in the brain. Research has shown that sleep deprivation can have a negative impact on brain chemistry, leading to mood disorders, anxiety, and other cognitive impairments.

4. Get the right nutrition
What you eat becomes the building blocks for the neurochemicals used by your brain. At least 90% of the serotonin in your body is produced in your gut microbiome. Recent research is linking food to disorders such as Alzheimer’s disease and depression. While there is a wide range of conflicting information out there on what good nutrition is, the one diet that has been examined and shown to improve brain functioning using the gold standard of a randomized clinical trial is the Mediterranean diet. Lots of fruits and vegetables, healthy fats such as avocados and olive oils, and lean poultry and fish. Get rid of processed carbohydrates, sugar, fried food, and alcohol.

5. Practice gratitude
When you’re thinking about what you’re grateful for, your thoughts are intentionally being directed toward things you know make you feel good. Practicing gratitude has been shown to have a positive impact on brain chemistry by increasing the production of dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that play a key role in regulating mood and motivation.

How your brain functions plays a very big role in your quality of life. Learning to regulate your thoughts and behavior in a way that optimizes your brain’s chemistry is well worth the effort.

MINDFULNESS-
New Data Shows Distracted Driving Leads to More Accidents.
Research helps explains the factors at play in distracted driving crashes.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
Traffic deaths are rising, in part due to distracted driving.
Distracted driving can be caused by anything that takes your mind off the road.
There is some data that practicing mindfulness may help address distracted driving.

More than 42,000 people died in traffic accidents in 2021, the most in 16 years, according to data released this month by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).

One of the contributing factors to this rise in deaths was an increase in impaired or distracted driving, which contributed to at least 3,500 traffic-related deaths. This number is likely underreported because distracted driving is difficult to identify during crash investigations.

While this is a problem that involves everyone, young people are disproportionately at fault. Drivers aged 18 to 34 are more likely to die in distraction-affected crashes than any other age group, according to NHTSA data.

Fortunately, research helps explain what’s happening when drivers become distracted. There are three ways people become distracted while driving, according to data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: taking their eyes off the road, taking their hands off the wheel, or taking their mind off of driving by thinking about something else.

A 2018 systematic review found that any mode of conversation—whether using a handheld phone, a hands-free device, or conversing with a passenger in the car—led to a reduction in driving performance. The review, published in the journal Human Factors, included 93 studies with more than 4,300 participants.

Researchers found that most drivers conversing on a cellphone while driving compensated for their distraction by reducing their speed and leaving more space for vehicles in front of them. The review also found that dialing a phone led to greater reductions in performance compared to simply talking, and therefore was much more dangerous. One takeaway: If you are planning to have a phone conversation while driving, dial before you begin your trip.

A more recent study published by researchers in China last year looked at the effect of voice-activated, hands-free driving apps on youth drivers. Their experiments found that these apps significantly weakened the performance of young drivers. Specifically, young drivers using these apps were more likely to drift from side to side within their lane, had slower response time (especially when a traffic light changed color), and were more likely to experience a collision.

There are a lot of data that suggest phones lead to unsafe interactions while we are traveling. What can we do about it? A systematic review found that mindfulness training may be a helpful solution.

Researchers analyzed 17 studies that looked at whether having a mindful mentality improved driving behavior, and whether specific mindfulness interventions could help. They found that when a driver’s mind wanders, they are more likely to overlook hazards, make mistakes, and increase their risks of having a collision. They found some limited evidence that mindfulness exercises before or while driving, such as taking slow deep breaths, may help drivers stay focused and avoid using mobile or hands-free devices while driving. More research is needed to ensure that these strategies actually work.

The take-home message: Anything that takes your mind off the road while driving increases the chances you’ll make a mistake and get involved in a collision. This is especially true for new drivers and young adults. The best strategy to avoid distracted driving is to make a concerted effort to stay in the moment and pay attention to your surroundings.

STRESS-
Why Is the Way You Approach Your Day So Important?
How you choose to "meet" the world can impact your health, joy, and success.
Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS-
It's important to experience your life as being sourced from your own choices.
The mindset by which you start your day determines how well you manage your stress.
Your attachment to lessons of childhood is counteracted by your ability to access the neuroplasticity of your brain.
How much of your day is engaged in things you’d rather not be doing? Or worse, worry or shrink from doing and procrastinate doing? For many, this doesn’t appear to be a choice. It’s just the way you are and the way you think, and perhaps the way you see the world.

Your approach to life is something learned a long time ago, during your childhood. It was learned as part of your adaptation to that environment and was a way of surviving. Those early survival lessons built out the neural networks of your brain. That was the scaffolding from which all subsequent learning has been hung. And even though that environment that you adapted to doesn’t translate very well to the world of today, you probably believe you are stuck with it.

To the extent that your childhood environment was dangerous or filled with judgments and criticism from primary caregivers (even if it wasn’t intentional or directed toward you), is the extent that you reacted, by trying to shrink from the place where you meet that difficult outside world—what is referred to as the “contact boundary.” If the environment presents any negativity or emotional pain, the natural tendency is to shy away from it. Unfortunately, as this approach to life gets reinforced and conditioned and built out in your brain circuitry, it has a number of consequences deriving from this bias and automatic reaction.

I find that most life approaches boil down to two choices—constricting and shying away from contact, as I just described, or embracing and moving into contact. We can refer to these different approaches as your “mindset.” Let’s follow these two approaches and how they shape your day’s experience.

How do you start your day?
You awaken and your mind goes to what can go wrong, what problem might arise, or how you might be judged in any of your encounters that day. This mindset will activate your stress response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline while causing muscle bracing; and ultimately greater inflammation. All this before breakfast. Your “mind/body” will want to either stay in bed, or look to distractions, or actions that are familiar. It will make it more difficult to engage in new successful behaviors, which are those that help you move into new territory in your life.

The keys to embracing your day that enhance your resilience
The other way of starting your day that can lead to better health and success is to embrace your day and your life. While there is a strong pull to old habits and to follow in existing footsteps, the other powerful force we can access is neuroplasticity, the ability of our brain and our neural circuitry to adapt and learn. While this path might be more uncomfortable in the short term, it will result in greater comfort and joy in the long term.

Here is a step-by-step process for greater health and success through the engagement of your brain’s neuroplasticity:

Make the decision that you want to determine how your day unfolds, how you feel during your day, and the direction you want your life to take. Making a decision—making this decision—begins to pull you out of the stickiness of being a victim in your life.
Recognize that if you are going to take any action, you have a choice of attitude by which you engage in that behavior. And you can choose the attitude that will better support your success. For example, if I have a business meeting, the attitude that will work better is one in which I value myself and what I have to offer. Choosing to focus on the positive outcome can help you manage your stress response and be more focused. If you worry about being judged, it will create tension and the tendency to shrink from the contact boundary. You will thus project different energy that will be picked up by the other person.

Make a decision to embrace the positive approach through the following self-statement: “I know I need to take this action—or meet this person, or write this proposal, etc.—I accept it. (Rather than resist.) I might as well choose the attitude that will yield the best result. So, even though it’s a bit scary, and uncomfortable I will embrace this and experience it as an opportunity for growth.”

No matter the outcome, appreciate yourself for taking this positive approach and already consider it a success, and find a positive way to frame the results of your actions.
If the result is not what you were trying to achieve, find a way to use the result as important information and a learning experience that’s part of the path to getting better at what you do. This puts a positive frame on the experience.
How you remember and take in your experiences is very important. Many people who get a positive result will still focus on how stressful or worrisome an experience was. The next time, they will be just as frightened because they remember the stress, not the success. Identify a positive framework to hold a memory of your experience.

RESILIENCE-
Self-Acceptance: You Cannot Be Anyone Else.
Settling into who we are vs who we might have been.
Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

KEY POINTS-
We tend to see ourselves in terms of other people and their accomplishments.
Happiness depends on living up to your own potential and doing your personal best.
Who we are is actually who we’re supposed to be.
Accepting that fact can allow you to do more and better.

Jack had just returned from his 50th law school reunion. “I felt like the black sheep,” he told me. “I actually left early.” The trouble with academic milestones, like the one that Jack had just passed, is that they’re insidious little hotbeds of invidious comparison. You look at one of your erstwhile classmates, and either you’re smug or full of envy. Jack fell into the latter category. “It was like everybody was a judge or a managing partner,” he said. “What the hell did I ever do?”

As we age, we want to feel like we’ve lived up to our potential, made a contribution, maybe even made a splash. It’s galling to feel mediocre. But so many of us do. So, the question, as I told Jack, was how to accept ourselves. More particularly, what is the right measure of what we’ve achieved—and how, finally, do we stop worrying about it?

Jack had gone to an Ivy League law school at a time, he assured me, when they were “easier” to get into. “So, you had geniuses and guys like me,” he said. His point was that, over time, the wheat and the chaff would separate into judges, managing partners . . . and everyone else. Jack felt like an also-ran. He’d joined a decent firm on the basis of his law school pedigree but, ultimately, drifted towards a small suburban practice that never did much to test his legal chops.

By the measure of the people at his reunion, Jack was not one that the school would likely cultivate. “They get us all there, and remind us how far we’ve come, and the idea is that we’ll be so grateful that we’ll write big checks,” he grinned. “Well, I wasn’t part of their calculation.” In fact, Jack had wondered whether he should even attend. Over the years, he’d followed his classmates as they rose through the profession or — in some case—branched off into “interesting” pursuits like writing legal thrillers. Jack, on the other hand, felt bland. He looked back on his life from every available professional perspective, and felt like he’d wandered in the wilderness.

As we age, we tend to assess our lives—who are we and, more to the point, who have we been? Events like class reunions, where we compare ourselves to people out of the gate at the same time, feel like legitimate occasions to criticize or blame ourselves for falling behind. It’s hard to deny the obvious and easy to succumb to what-ifs. In fact, Jack told me that once he and his classmates identified each other (“Okay, no one looked 25 anymore”), everyone gravitated towards their professional peers. “Nobody bothered with me, since I was kind of invisible.” It’s not like Jack was full of regret or a sense that he’d failed, so much as that he felt second-rate.

So, how do we deal with an honest sense of our own limitations? How do we look back on what we’ve accomplished—when it hasn’t been all that much—and not feel that our lives have been pointless? It’s hard sometimes, especially when we’ve gone to the right schools, when a lot has been expected of us, and we’ve come to believe all the hype about who and what we’re supposed to be.

There are a million reasons why we may not have become world-beaters. For starters, there’s always the competition, i.e., we may in fact be pretty good, but somebody may always be better. Is that a reason to be downcast? We may not have wanted to work as hard, even though we made a respectable effort. We may have wanted other things at a time when we missed opportunities. We may have just had bad luck. Who knows?

If we still turned out okay, then comparisons will only make us miserable. Part of aging with a kind of emotional serenity is to stop comparing ourselves to everyone else. Sure, some people have done better. They always will. But we need to accept ourselves for who we are.

Acceptance is a complicated proposition. Insofar as it applies to our sense of self, it means that we give ourselves a pass based on how we got here. The backstory matters, and no one’s is ever simple. With our own story in mind, it’s okay to settle into who we are without imagining who we might have been. It’s maddening to assume that we might have been different, better, a mightier upholder of the American Way. This is who we are now. The rest is pointless wheel-spinning.

Of course, we may wish we had done more in service to humanity and left a more substantial legacy. But it won’t help to berate ourselves for not having done so. The fact is, there is no going back. Did we take full advantage of our opportunities? Did fate play a role? Doesn’t matter. Here we are. Only in the weirdest of quantum trajectories can time travel in reverse.

I suggested to Jack that instead of comparing himself to his glittering classmates, he be the best that he can going forward. The renowned psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, observed that the main conflict we negotiate in old age is accepting who we are vs. despair over who we’re not. If we assume that despair is immobilizing and leaves us feeling hopeless, then acceptance (what Erikson terms “reconciliation”) is its opposite, the sense that while we cannot change ourselves, we can still make the most of who we are. Starting now.

But suppose we don’t want to start a series of podcasts when we’re 80? Suppose we just feel that we’ve done what we could, and that’s it. Well, that’s okay too. If we’ve come in second, or even in 100th, place, that’s not sufficient reason to feel defensive or demoralized. Life is too short. We can’t assume that we didn’t live up to our potential just because someone else has done more.

Maybe our “potential” was inflected with competing desires that no one could disparage. Maybe we did take wrong turns, but are we really supposed to be perfect? If we all lived theoretical lives, with no real incidents, we’d all be held to a higher, theoretical standard. But, in fact, we lived actual lives, with all the incidents that made us real people. We should accept our own reality because we can’t be anyone else.

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andy Rooney

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson